Class. 



/ 



r 



THE 



FAMILY MONITOR, 



OR A 



HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



By JOHN ANGELL JAMES. 

AUTHOR OF "THE CHRISTIAN FATHER'S PRESENT," &^ - 



" Behold ! how good and how pleasant it is, for brethren to dwell to- 
gether in unity. 

M It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon 
the beard, even Aaron's beard ; that went down to the skirts of his gar- 
ments : As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the 
mountains of Zion : for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even 
life for evermore." 

Psalm cxxxiii. 



SECOND AMERICAN EDITION. 



iSostott : 

PUBLISHED BY CROCKER AND BREWSTER, 
47, Washington Street. 
NEW YORK : — J. LEAVITT, 
182, Broadway. 



1829. 




WhHs &sA 



OF PUTNAM & HUNT. 



PREFACE, 



The substance of the following chapters, was delivered by 
the Author, in a course of sermons which followed a series 
of expository lectures on the Epistle to the Ephesians 
The consecutive method of preaching, which he principal- 
ly uses, is attended, he thinks, with this, among many- 
other advantages, that it brings under the review of a 
minister, many subjects which would otherwise be over- 
looked; affords an opportunity for the introduction of 
some topics, which, from their peculiarity, seem to re- 
quire such a way of access to the pulpit ; and also furnish- 
es an apology, for the discussion of others, which the fas- 
tidiousness of modern delicacy has almost excluded from 
the range of pastoral admonition. On entering upon the 
first branch of relative duties, the author was so much un- 
der the influence, perhaps improperly, of this excess of re- 
finement, and felt so much the difficulty of making a pub- 
lic statement of the duties of husbands and wives, that he 
had determined at one time, to relieve himself from the 
embarrassment, by merely reading large extracts from Mr. 
Jay's beautiful sermon on this subject. After he had 
preached two discourses, and thus discharged, as well as 
he was able, this rather perplexing task, he received a nu- 
merously signed petition from many husbands and their 



IV 



PREFACE. 



wives, belonging to his congregation, requesting that they 
might be permitted to read in print, the statement of their 
mutual obligations, which they had heard delivered with so 
much fidelity and impartiality from the pulpit. Instead 
of being limited by this request, the Author has gone be- 
yond it, and sent forth the whole series of relative duties; 
thus furnishing a manual of advice, in which all the mem- 
bers of the household may find something appropriate to 
the peculiarity of their circumstances. 

It is an unquestionable truth, that if a man be not happy 
at home, he cannot be happy any where ; and the con- 
verse of the proposition is no le ss true, that he who is hap- 
py there, need be miserable no where. "It is the place of 
all the world I love most," said the interesting Author of 
the Task, when speaking of home. And he may be feli- 
citated who can say the same. Any attempt, however fee- 
ble, to render the domestic circle what it ever should be, 
a scene of comfort, is at least benevolent. Nor is this a 
hopeless effort; for he who has the Bible in his hand, and 
speaks as the oracles of God, can disclose at once, and in 
few words, the important secret. The principles of great- 
est consequence to mankind, whether we refer to science 
or to morals, lie not buried deep in gloom and mystery, 
but are to be found, -like the manna of the Israelites, upon 
the surface of things. The secret of happiness lies folded 
up in the leaves of the Bible, and is carried in the bosom 
of religion. The Author knows of no other way to feli- 
city, and therefore does not profess to teach any other. 
Let the two parties in wedded life, be believers in Christ 
Jesus, and partake themselves of the peace that passeth 
understanding ; let them, when they become a father and 
a mother, bring up their children in the fear of God ; and 
as a master and a mistress, be diligent and successful in- 
instructing their servants in the principles of religion, and 



FREFACE. 



V 



if happiness is to be found upon earth, it will be enjoyed 
within the hallowed circle of a family; thus united by love, 
and sanctified by grace. 

The Author does not deny, that much of worldly com- 
fort may be, and often is enjoyed in some families, which 
neither possess nor profess a serious regard to the claims 
of religion ; while it must be acknowledged, on the other 
hand, that there are to be found professors of religion, 
whose households are any thing but happy ones. In re- 
ference to the former, it may be affirmed, that piety, while 
it would raise their enjoyment to a sublimer kind, and a 
higher degree of happiness in this world, would also per- 
petuate it through eternity ; and, in reference to the latter, 
it may be remarked that their disquietude is not produced 
by religion, but occasioned by the want of it. A mere 
profession of the Christian faith, is rather a hindrance to 
felicity than a help : nothing short of real religion can be 
expected to yield its joys. 

*he following pages, there will be found numerous 
• extracts from an incomparably excellent work, 
by tne A ev. Christopher Anderson, of Edinburgh, enti- 
tled " The Domestic Constitution." Of that volume*, the 
Author feels that his own is not worthy, in any instance, 
to be. the harbinger; but should he find that he has intro- 
duced any families to an acquaintance with a treatise, so 
well worthy of their most serious attention, he will be 
thankful for that measure of benefit, and rejoice that he 
has not labored in vain. 

Edgbaston, September 13, 1828. 



COjVTEJVTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

THE DOMESTIC CONSTITUTION, AND THE MU- 
. TUAL DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES, 

CHAPTER II. 

THE SPECIAL DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES. 

CHAPTER III. 

SOME REMARKS ON THE FORMATION OF THE 
MARRIAGE UNION, 

CHAPTER IV. 

THE DUTIES OF PARENTS, 

CHAPTER V. 

THE DUTIES OF CHILDREN TO THEIR PARENTS, 

CHAPTER VI. 

THE DUTIES OF MASTERS, 

CHAPTER VII. 

THE DUTIES OF SERVANTS, 



THE 



FAMILY MONITOR: 

OR A 

HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



CHAPTER I. 

THE DOMESTIC CONSTITUTION, AND THE MUTUAL 

DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES. 

i 

" By thee 

Founded in reason, loyal, just and pure, 
Relations dear, and all the charities 
Of Father, Son, and Brother, first were known. 
Far be it that I should write thee, sin or blame, 
Or think thee unbefitting holiest place, 

Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets !" ' MlLTON. 

A family ! How delightful the associations we form 
with such a word ! How pleasing the images with 
which it crowds the mind, and how tender the 
emotions which it awakens in the heart ! Who can 
wonder that domestic happiness should be a theme 
dear to poetry, and that it should have called forth 
some of the sweetest strains of fancy and. of feeling ? 
Or who can be surprised, that of all the sweets 
which present themselves in the vista of futurity, to 
the eye of those who are setting out on the journey 
of life, this should excite the most ardent desires, 
and engage the most active pursuits ? But alas ! of 
those who in the ardor of youth, start for the pos- 
session of this dear prize, how many fail! And why? 
Because their imagination alone is engagedin the sub- 
ject : they have no definite ideas of what it means, 
nor of the way in which it is to be obtained. It is 



14 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ; OR 



a mere lovely creation of a romantic mind, and 
oftentimes with such persons, fades away, 

" And like the baseless fabric of a vision, 
<c Leaves not a wreck behind." 

It may be of service, therefore, to lay open the 
sources of domestic happiness, and to show that 
these are to be found, not in the flowery regions of 
imagination, but amidst the sober realities of piety, 
chaste love, prudence, and well formed connexions. 
These precious springs are within the reach of all 
who w r ill take the right path that leads to them : and 
this is the way of knowledge. We must make our- 
selves acquainted with the nature, designs, and im- 
portance of the family compact : we must analyse 
this union to ascertain its elements, its laws, and its 
purposes. Who can be a good member of any state, 
without knowing the nature of its constitution, and 
the laws by which it is directed ? And it is equally 
vain to look for domestic happiness, without a clear 
insight into the ends and laws which Providence 
has laid down in the formation of the household. 

In the discussions which have been agitated, to 
settle the question, as to the form of civil govern- 
ment best adapted to secure the welfare of the hu- 
man race, the family constitution has been too 
much overlooked. Speculation has been indulged, 
and theories proposed by their respective authors, 
in reference to the greater aggregations of society, 
with all the confidence of oracular authority ; while 
at the same time, it is evident they have forgotten, 
how much the well being of states is dependent on 
the well being of the families of which all states 
are composed. If there be any truth in the figure, 
by which a nation is compared to a pillar, we should 
recollect, that while individuals are the materials 
of which it is formed, it is the good condition of 
families that constitutes the cement which holds it 
together, and gives to its fine form, solidity and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



15 



durability. Let this be wanting, and however in- 
herently excellent the materials, however elegant 
the shape, however ornamented the base, the shaft, 
or the capital may be, it contains in itself a princi- 
ple of decay, an active cause of dilapidation and 
ruin. 

The domestic constitution is a divine institute. 
God formed it himself. He taketh the solitary, and 
setteth him in families ; and like all the rest of his 
works, it is well and wisely done. It is, as a sys- 
tem of government, quite unique ; neither below 
the heavens, nor above them, is there any thing pre- 
cisely like it. In some respects it resembles the 
civil government of a state ; in others y the ecclesi- 
astical rule of a church ; and it is there that the 
church and the state may be said to meet. u This 
meeting, however, is only on a very small scale, and 
under very peculiar circumstances." When di- 
rected as it should be, every family has a sacred 
character, inasmuch as the head of it acts the part 
of both the prophet and priest of the household, by 
instructing them in the knowledge, and leading 
them in the worship of God ; while at the same 
time, he discharges the duties of a king, by sup- 
porting a system of order, subordination and disci- v 
pline. Conformably with its nature, is its design : 
beyond the benefit of the individuals which com- 
pose it, and which is its first and immediate object, 
it is intended to promote the welfare of the national 
community to which it belongs, and of which it is 
a part : hence every nation has stamped a great 
value on the family compact, and guarded it with 
the most powerful sanctions. Well instructed, well 
ordered, and well governed families, are the springs, 
which, from their retirements, send forth the trib- 
utary streams that make up by their confluence, the 
majestic flow of national greatness and prosperity : 
nor can any state be prosperous, where family order 
and subordination are generally neglected ; nor 



16 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



otherwise than prosperous, whatever be its political 
form, where these are generally maintained. It is 
certainly under the wise instruction, and the impar- 
tial sceptre of a father, and within the little family 
circle, that the son becomes a good citizen ; it is 
by the fire side and upon the family hearth, that 
loyalty and patriotism and every public virtue 
grows ; as it is in disordered families, that factious 
demagogues, and turbulent rebels, and tyrannical 
oppressors, are trained up to be their neighbor's 
torment, or their country's scourge. It is there that 
the thorn and the briar, to use the elegant simile of 
the prophet, or the myrtle and the fir tree, are rear- 
ed, which are in future time, to be the ornament 
and defence, or the deformity and misery of the 
land. 

But has the domestic constitution a reference 
only to the present world and its perishable inter- 
ests ? By no means. All God's arrangements for 
man, view him, and are chiefly intended for him, in 
his relation to eternity. The eye of Deity is upon 
that immortality to which he has destined the hu- 
man race. " Every family has, in fact, a sacred 
character belonging to it, which may indeed, be 
forgotten or disdained ; but the family is constitu- 
ted, and ought, therefore, to be conducted with the 
prospect of the rising generation following that 
which precedes it, not only to the grave, but to eter- 
nity. " # Every member of every household is an 
immortal creature ; every one that leaves the circle 
by death, goes into an eternity of torment or of 
bliss. Now since all the institutes of God look to 
another world as their chief and ultimate reference, 
surely, surely, that institute which is the most pow- 
erful of all, in the formation of character, must be 
considered as set up with a special intention to pre- 
pare the subjects of it for " glory, honor, immor- 
tality, and eternal life." 

*Anderson. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



17 



No one judges aright of this household compact, 
nor can any be in a capacity rightly to perform its 
duties, who does not consider this double relation 
which it bears to the state and to the church, and 
who does not view it as a preparatory system, for 
training up the good citizen and the real christian. 
And for these objects, how great is the power which 
it really possesses : how considerable is the mutual 
influence of husbands and wives, in moulding each 
others tastes, or modifying each others dispositions ; 
of parents, in forming the character of their children 
and servants ; and of brothers and sisters, in stimu- 
lating and guiding each others pursuits. The power 
of other constitutions is remote, occasional, and 
feeble ; but this is close, constant, and mighty. 
With other systems, the character is only casually 
brought into contact ; but this always touches us. 
We live, and move, and have our being, in the very 
centre of it. So powerful is the influence of this 
association on its members, that it has preserved 
them, by the blessing of God, in the possession of 
piety and morality, in times and places of the great- 
est corruption of manners. u On what vantage 
ground does the conscientious, christian parent here 
stand ! The springs of public and social life may 
be greatly corrupted ; the nation in which he dwells 
may degenerate into licentiousness, into idolatry, 
or into the most daring infidelity. Retiring then to 
this sacred inclosure, he may entrench himself, and 
there, lifting up a standard for God, either wait the 
approach of better days, or leave a few behind him, 
on whom the best blessings of those days will cer- 
tainly descend. Though the heavens be shut up 
and there be no dew, the little enclosure which he 
cultivates, like the fleece of Gideon, will discover 
evident marks of the Divine favor. It actually 
seems as though in the wide scene, where the vices 
of the age, may, and can reign triumphant, this 
2* 



IS 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



were some secure and sacred retreat, into which 
they cannot, dare not enter."* 

It must be evident, however, that the great ends 
of the domestic economy cannot be kept in view, 
nor the moral power of it displayed, unless the 
heads of it rightly understand their duty, and have 
a disposition properly to perform it. They must be 
christians in reality, or no christian government can 
be maintained. Where religion is wanting as the 
basis of their union, these happy fruits of it cannot 
be expected. The inferior and secondary object 
may be accomplished in the absence of parental 
piety, though neither so certainly, nor so effectu- 
ally ; but as to the more sublime and permanent end 
of the family constitution, which connects its mem- 
bers with the church of God on earth, and the 
company of the redeemed in heaven, this cannot 
be looked for, where the father and the mother are 
destitute of true religion. Oh, how many interest- 
ing households are to be found, where all the mere 
social virtues are cultivated with assiduity, where 
the domestic charities all flourish, and public ex- 
cellence is cherished, but which, on account of the 
want of vital godliness, are still losing the highest 
end of their union, and carrying on no preparatory 
course of education for the skies, and are destined 
to be swept away with the wreck of the nations that 
know not God, and the wicked who shall be turned 
into hell. Alas, alas ! that from such sweet scenes, 
such lovely retreats of connubial love and domestic 
peace, to which learning, science, wealth, elegance, 
have been admitted, religion should be excluded ; 
and that while many wise and interesting guests are 
continually welcomed to the house, He only should 

*Mr. Anderson, in support and illustration of this beautiful sentiment, 
brings forward the families of the Kenites, and the Rechabites, whose 
history he traces, and shews it to be like a pure and vigorous stream, urg- 
ing its course through a turbid lake, with the waters of which it refuses 
to blend, and maintaining its own characteristic, amidst surrounding im- 
purity. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



19 



be refused, who blessed the little family of Bethany; 
who, wherever he goes, carries salvation in his train, 
and gives immortality to the joys which would oth- 
erwise perish for ever. 

Precious, indeed, are the joys of a happy family; 
but, oh, how fleet ! How soon must the circle be 
broken up, how suddenly may it be ! What scenes 
of delight, resembling gay visions of fairy bliss, 
have all been unexpectedly wrapt in shadow and 
gloom, by misfortune, by sickness, by death. The 
last enemy has entered the paradise, and by expel- 
ling one of its tenants, has embittered the scene to 
the rest ; the ravages of death have been in some 
cases followed by the desolations of poverty, and 
they who once dwelt together in the happy enclos- 
ure, have been separated and scattered to meet no 
more. But religion, true religion, if it be possess- 
ed, will gather them together again, after this de- 
struction of their earthly ties, and conduct them to 
another paradise, into which no calamity shall enter, 
and from which, no joy shall ever depart. 

Happy then would it be, for all who stand related 
by these household ties, if the bonds of nature were 
hallowed and rendered permanent by those of divine 
grace. To found our union on any basis wdiich does 
not contain religion in its formation, is to erect it 
on a quicksand, and to expose it to the fury of a 
thousand billows, each of which may overturn the 
fabric of our comfort in a moment : but to rest it 
upon religion, is to found it upon a rock, where Ave 
shall individually still find a refuge, when the near- 
est and the dearest relations are swept away by the 
tide of dissolution. 

It is a pleasing reflection, that the domestic con- 
stitution depends not for its existence, its laws, its 
right administration, or its rich advantages, either 
upon family possessions, or the forms of national 
policy. It may live and flourish in all its tender 
charities, and all its sweet felicities, and all its 



20 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



moral power, in the cottage as well as in the man- 
sion ; under the shadow of liberty, and even under 
the scorching heat of tyranny. Like the church of 
which it is in some respects the emblem, it accom- 
modates itself to every changing form of surround- 
ing society, to every nation and to every age. 
Forming with the church the only two institutions 
ever set up by God, as to their framework ; like its 
kindred institute, it remains amidst the ruins of the 
fall, the lapse of ages, and the changes of human 
affairs, the monument of what has been, the stand- 
ing prediction of what shall be. Tyrants that crush 
the liberties of a state, cannot destroy the consti- 
tution of a family : and even persecutors that si- 
lence the preacher, and scatter the congregation, 
cannot hush the voice of parental instruction, or 
extinguish parental influence. Religion, hunted 
and driven by human power from the place of pub- 
lic concourse, would still find a retreat, as it often 
has done under such circumstances, in the household 
of faith ; and there would keep alive upon the fami- 
ly altar, that holy fire, with which the sacrifices of 
the temple, under happier auspices, shall be offered. 
Neither families nor the church of the redeemed, 
shall ever be entirely lost, whatever changes the 
world may yet have to pass through : " but blessing 
and being blest, will of themselves alone one day 
introduce the millennium."* 

To all, therefore, who are united in the bonds of 
this relationship, I offer the consideration of these 
pages ; which prescribe duties, and present advan- 
tages, belonging alike to all. Domestic happiness, 
in many respects, resembles the manna which was 
granted to the Israelites in the wilderness ; like that 
precious food, it is the gift of God which cometh 
down from heaven ; it is not to be purchased with 
money ; it is dispensed alike to the rich and to the 
poor, and accommodates itself to every taste ; it is 

* See Anderson and B wight. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 21 



given with an abundance that meets the wants of all 
who desire it ; to be obtained, it must be religiously- 
sought in God's own way of bestowing it ; and is 
granted to man as a refreshment during his pil- 
grimage through this wilderness, to the celestial 
Canaan. 

Marriage is the foundation op the domestic 
constitution : this, says the apostle, " is honorable 
in all and he has condemned, as u a doctrine of 
devils," the opinions of those by whom it is for- 
bidden. It is an institute of God, was established 
in Eden, was honored by the personal attendance 
of Christ, and furnished an occasion for the first of 
that splendid series of miracles, by which he proved 
himself to be the Son of God, and the Saviour of 
the world. But there is another mark of distinc- 
tion put upon it by the Holy Ghost, where it is said, 
" This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning 
Christ and the church." Eph. v. 32. Many com- 
mentators, I am aware, consider the term mystery as 
having no allusion to the nuptial tie, but as applying 
exclusively to the union of Christ and the church. 
If this be the case, it seems difficult to account for 
the introduction of this union at all, or to explain 
what bearing it has upon the subject in hand. Be- 
sides, the two-fold reference to the mediatorial un- 
dertaking of Christ, which is made by the apostle, 
when he enforces the duties of husband and wife, 
seems to confirm the opinion, that he represents the 
conjugal union, as a type or symbol of the close and 
endearing relation in which the church stands to its 
divine Redeemer. Nothing can throw a higher 
sanctity over this connexion, nor invest it with 
greater honor, than such a view of it. Distinguish- 
ing, as it does, man from brutes ; providing not only 
for the continuance, but for the comfort of our spe- 
cies ; containing at once, the source of human happi- 
ness, and of all those virtuous emotions and generous 
sensibilities, which refine and adorn the character 



22 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



of man, it can never as a general subject be guarded 
with too much solicitous vigilance, nor be contract- 
ed, in particular instances, with too much prudence 
and care. 

In proportion to the importance of the connexion 
itself, must be a right view and a due performance 
of the obligations arising out of it. 

First. There are duties common to both 

PARTIES. 

Secondly. There are duties more particu- 
larly ENJOINED UPON EACH. 

My first object will be to state those duties 

WHICH ARE COMMON TO BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

I. The first which I mention, and which is the 
ground of all the rest, is love. 

Let this be wanting, and marriage is degraded at 
once into a brutal or a sordid compact. This duty, 
which, though for reasons which we shall consider 
in due place, is especially enjoined on the husband, 
belongs equally to the wife. It must be mutual, 
or there can be no happiness ; none for the party 
which does not love, for how dreadful the idea of 
being chained for life to an individual for whom we 
have no affection ; to be almost ever in the company 
of a person from whom we are driven back by re- 
vulsion, yet driven back upon a bond which pre- 
vents all separation and escape ; nor can there be 
any happiness for the party that does love ; such an 
unrequited affection must soon expire, or live only 
to consume that wretched heart in which it burns. 
A married couple without mutual regard, is one of 
the most pitiable spectacles on earth. They cannot, 
and, indeed, in ordinary circumstances, ought not 
to separate, and yet they remain united only to be 
a torment to each other. They serve one impor- 
tant purpose, however, in the history of mankind, 
and that is, to be a beacon to all who are yet disen- 
gaged, to warn them against the sin and folly of 
forming this union, upon any other basis than that 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 23 



of a pure and mutual attachment ; and to admonish 
all that are so united, to watch with most assiduous 
vigilance their mutual regard, that nothing be al- 
lowed to damp the sacred flame. 

As the union should be formed on the basis of 
love, so should great care be taken, especially in 
the early stages of it, that nothing might arise to 
unsettle or loosen our attachments. Whatever 
knowledge we may obtain of each others tastes and 
habits before marriage, it is neither so accurate, so 
comprehensive, nor so impressive, as that which we 
acquire bv living together ; and it is of prodigious 
consequence, that when little defects are first no- 
ticed, and trivial faults and oppositions first occur, 
they should not be allowed to produce an unfavor- 
able impression upon the mind. The remarks of 
Bishop Jeremy Taylor in his inimitably beautiful 
sermon, entitled, 14 The Marriage Ring," are so 
much in point, that I shall introduce a long extract 
in reference to this idea. 

" Man and wife are equally concerned to avoid 
all offences of each other in the beginning of their 
conversation; every little thing can blast an infant 
blossom ; and the breath of the south can shake the 
little rings of the vine, when first they begin to curl 
like the locks of a new weaned boy ; but when by 
age and consolidation they stiffen into the hardness 
of a stem, and have by the warm rays of the sun, 
and the kisses of heaven, brought forth their clus- 
ters, they can endure the storms of the north, and 
the loud noises of a tempest, and yet never be 
broken : so are the early unions of an unfixed mar- 
riage ; watchful and observant, jealous and busy, 
inquisitive and careful, and apt to take alarm at 
every unkind word. For infirmities do not manifest 
themselves in the first scenes, but in the succession 
of a long society ; and it is not chance or weakness 
when it appears at first, but it is want of love or 
prudence, or it will be so expounded ; and that 



24 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



which appears ill at first, usually affrights the inex- 
perienced man or woman, who makes unequal con- 
jectures, and fancies mighty sorrows by the propor- 
tions of the new and early unkindness. It is a very 
great passion, or a huge folly, or a certain want of 
love, that cannot preserve the colors and beauties 
of kindness, so long as public honesty requires a 
man to wear their sorrows for the death of a friend. 
Plutarch compares a new marriage to a vessel be- 
fore the hoops are on, every thing dissolves its 
tender compaginations ; but when the joints are stiff- 
ened and are tied by a firm compliance and propor- 
tioned bending, scarcely can it be dissolved without 
fire, or the violence of iron. After the hearts of the 
man and the wife are endeared and hardened by a 
mutual confidence and experience, longer than arti- 
fice and pretence can last, there are a great many 
remembrances, and some things present, that dash 
all little unkindnesses in pieces. 

C£ Let man and wife be careful to stifle little things, 
that as fast as they spring, they be cut down and 
trod upon ; for if they be suffered to grow by num- 
bers, they make the spirit peevish, and the society 
troublesome, and the affections loose and uneasy 
by an habitual aversation. Some men are more 
vexed with a fly than with a wound ; and when the 
gnats disturb our sleep, and the reason is disquiet- 
ed, but not perfectly awakened, it is often, seen 
that he is fuller of trouble than if in the day light 
of his reason he were to contest with a potent 
enemy. In the frequent little accidents of a family, 
a man's reason cannot always be awake ; and when 
his discourses are imperfect and a trifling trouble 
makes him yet more restless, he is soon betrayed to 
the violence of passion. It is certain that the man 
or woman are in a state of weakness and folly then, 
when they can be troubled with a trifling accident ; 
and therefore it is not good to tempt their affec- 
tions, when they are in that state of danger. In 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



'25 



this case the caution is, to subtract fuel from the 
sudden flame ; for stubble, though it be quickly 
kindled, yet it is as soon extinguished, if it be not 
blown by a pertinacious breath, or fed with new 
materials. Add no new provocations to the acci- 
dent, and do not inflame this, and peace will soon 
return, and the discontent will pass away, soon, as 
the sparks from the collision of a flint ; ever remem- 
bering, that discontents proceeding from daily little 
things, do breed a secret undiscernible disease, 
■which is more dangerous than a fever proceeding 
from a discerned notorious surfeit." 

If they would preserve love, let them be sure to 
study most accurately each other's tastes and dis- 
tastes, and most anxiously abstain from whatever, 
even in the minutest things, they know to be con- 
trary to them. The ancients in their conjugal alle- 
gories, used to represent Mercury standing by 
Venus, to signify that by fair language, and sweet 
entreaties, the minds of each other should be 
united. 

If they would preserve love, let them most care- 
fully avoid all curious and frequently repeated dis- 
tinctions of mine and thine : for this hath caused 
all the laws, and all the suits, and all the wars in 
the world; let them who have but one person, have 
also but one interest. Instances may occur in which 
there may and must be, a separate investiture of 
property, and a sovereign independent right of dis- 
posal in the woman; in this case, the most a/ixious 
care should be taken by the husband not to attempt 
to invade that right, and by the wife, neither osten- 
tatiously to speak of it, nor rigidly to claim it, nor 
selfishly to exercise it. In ordinary cases, " they 
should be heirs to each other, if they die childless; 
and if there be children, the wife should be with 
them a partner in the inheritance. But during their 
life the use and employment is common to both 
their necessities, and in this there is no other dif- 



26 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ference of right, but that the man hath the dispen- 
sation of all, and may keep it from his wile, just as 
the governor of a town may keep it from the right 
owner; he hath the power, but not the right to do so." 

2. Mutual respect is a duty of married life; for 
though as we shall afterwards consider, especial 
reverence is due from the wife, yet is respect due 
from the husband also. 

As it is difficult to respect those, who are not en- 
titled to it on any other ground than superior rank 
or common relationship, it is of immense conse- 
quence, that we should present to each other, that 
conduct which deserves respect and commands it. 
Moral esteem is one of the firmest supports, and 
strongest guards of love; and a high degree of ex- 
cellence cannot fail to produce such esteem. We 
are more accurately known to each other in this 
connexion, than either to the world, or even to our 
own servants and children. The privacies of such 
a relationship lay open our motives, and all the in- 
terior of our character; so that we are better known 
to each other than we are to ourselves. If there- 
fore, we would be respected, we should be respect- 
able. Charity covers a multitude of faults, it is 
true; but we must not presume too far upon the 
credulity and blindness of. affection; there is a point 
beyond which, even love cannot be blind to the 
crimson coloring of a guilty action. Every piece 
of really sinful conduct, the impropriety of which 
cannot be mistaken, tends to sink us in each other's 
esteem, and thus to remove the safeguards of affec- 
tion. Perhaps this has not been sufficiently thought 
of in wedded life, the parties of which have been 
sometimes anxious merely to cover their delin- 
quencies from the world, forgetful that it is a dread- 
ful thing to lose their mutual respect. It is de- 
lightfully striking to observe, how some pairs, of 
eminent moral worth, regard each other; what 
reverence is blended with their love, and how like 
to angel forms of heavenly excellence they appear 
to one another. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



2f7 



In all the conduct of the conjugal state then, 
there should be the most marked and unvarying 
mutual respect even in little things: there must be 
no searching after faults, nor examining, with mi- 
croscopic scrutiny, such as cannot be concealed; no 
reproachful epithets; no rude contempt; no inci- 
vility; no cold neglect: there should be courtesy 
without ceremony; politeness without formality; 
attention without slavery; it should, in short, be 
the tenderness of love, supported by esteem, and 
guided by politeness. And then, we must maintain 
our mutual respectability before others; strangers, 
friends, servants, children, must all be taught to 
respect us, from what they see in our own beha- 
vior. It is in the highest degree improper, for 
either party to do an action, to say a word, or as- 
sume a look, that shall have the remotest tendency 
to lower the other in public esteem. 

3. Mutual attachment to each other's so- 
ciety, is a common duty of husband and wife. 

We are united to be companions; to live togeth- 
er, to walk together, to talk together. The hus- 
band is commanded u to dwell with the wife ac- 
cording to knowledge." " This," says Mr. Jay, 
" intends nothing less than residence, opposed to 
absence and roving. It is absurd, for those who 
have no prospect of dwelling together, to enter this 
state ; and those who are already in it, should not 
be unnecessarily abroad. Circumstances of vari- 
ous kinds will doubtless render occasional excur- 
sions unavoidable ; but let a man return as soon as 
the design of his absence is accomplished, and let 
him always travel with the words of Solomon in 
his mind, { As a bird that wandereth from her nest, 
so is a man that wandereth from his place.' Can a 
man while from home, discharge the duties he owes 
to his household ? Can he discipline his children ? 
Can he maintain the worship of God in his family ? 
I know it is the duty of the wife to lead the devo- 
tion in the absence of the husband ; and she should 



THE FAMILY MONITOR: OR 



take it up as a cross, if not for the time as a privi- 
lege. Few, however, are thus disposed, and hence 
one of the sanctuaries of God for weeks and months 
together is shut up. — I am sorry to say, that there 
are some husbands who seem fonder of any society 
than the company of their wives. It appears in the 
disposal of their leisure hours. How few of these 
are appropriated to the wife ! The evenings are the 
most domestic periods of the day. To these the 
wife is peculiarly entitled — she is now most free 
from her numerous cares, and most at liberty to en- 
joy reading and conversation. It is a sad reflection 
upon a man when he is fond of spending his even- 
ings abroad. It implies something bad, and it pre- 
dicts something worse." 

And then to ensure as far as possible, the society 
of her husband, aiJiis own fire side, let the Avife be 
" a keeper at home," and do all in her power to ren- 
der that fire side as attractive as good temper, neat- 
ness, and cheerful, affectionate conversation can 
make it ; let her strive to make his own home, the 
soft green on which his heart loves to repose in the 
sunshine of domestic enjoyment. We can easily 
imagine, that even in Paradise, when man had no 
apparition of guilt, no visions of crime, no spectral 
voice from a troubled conscience, to make him 
dread solitude, and fiee from it, that even then, Adam 
liked not, on his return from the labor of dress- 
ing the garden, to find Eve absent from their bow- 
er, but wanted the smile of her countenance to light 
up his own, and the music of her voice to be the 
melody of his soul. Think, then, how much more 
in his fallen estate, with guilt upon his conscience, 
and care pressing upon his heart, does man now, on 
coming from the scenes of his anxious toil, need the 
aid of woman's companionship, to drive away the 
swarm of buzzing cares, that light upon the heart 
to sting it ; to smooth the brow ruffled with sad- 
ness ; to tranquillize the bosom agitated with pas- 
sion j and at once to reprove and comfort the mind 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINES8. 



29 



that has in some measure yielded to temptation. O, 
woman ! thou knowest the hour when "the good 
man of the house " will return, at mid-day, while 
the sun is yet bowing down the laborer with the 
fierceness of his beams, or at evening, when the 
heat and burden of the day are past ; do not let him, 
at such a time, when he is weary with exertion, and 
faint with discouragement, find, upon his coming to 
his habitation, that the foot which should hasten to 
meet him, is wandering at a distance, that the soft 
hand which should wipe away the sweat from his 
brow, is knocking at the door of other houses : nor 
let him find a wilderness, where he should enter a 
garden ; confusion, where he ought to see order ; 
or filth that disgusts, where he might hope to be- 
hold neatness, that delights and attracts. If this be 
the case, who can wonder, that fn the anguish of 
disappointment, and in the bitterness of a neglected 
and heart-stricken husband, he turns away from his 
door, for that comfort which he wished to enjoy at 
home, and that society which he hoped to find in 
his wife, and put up with the substitutes for both, 
which he finds in the houses of other men, or in 
the company of other women. 

United to be associates then, let man and wife be 
as much in each other's society as possible : and 
there must be something wrong in domestic life, 
when they need the aid of balls, routes, plays, card 
parties, to relieve them from the tedium produced 
by home pursuits. I thank God, I am a stranger to 
that taste, which leads a man to flee from his own 
comfortable parlor, and the society of his wife, 
from the instruction and recreation contained in a 
well-stored library, or the evening rural walk, when 
the business of the day is over, to scenes of public 
amusement for enjoyment ; to my judgment, the 
pleasures of home, and of home society, when home 
and home society, are all that could desired, are 
such as never cloy, and need no change, but from 



30 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



one kindred scene to another. I am sighing and 
longing, perhaps in vain, for a period, when society 
shall be so elevated, and so purified : when the love 
of knowledge will be so intense, and the habits of 
life will be so simple ; when religion and morality 
will be so generally diffused, that men's homes will 
be the seat and circle of their pleasures ; when in 
the society of an affectionate and intelligent wife, 
and of Well educated children, each will find his 
greatest earthly delight ; and when it will be felt 
to be no more necessary to happiness, to quit their 
own fire side for the ball room or the concert, than 
it is to go from the well spread table, to the public 
feast, to satisfy the cravings of a healthy appetite : 
then will it be no longer imposed upon us to prove, 
that public amusements are improper, for they will 
be found to be unnecessary. 

But the pleasures of home must not be allowed to 
interfere with the calls and claims of public duty. 
Wives must not ask, and husbands must not give, 
that time which is demanded for the cause of God 
and man. This is an age of active charity, and the 
great public institutions which are set up, cannot be 
kept in operation, without great sacrifices of time 
and leisure by very many persons. Those, who by 
their wisdom, talents, rank, or property, receive 
the confidence of the public, must stand prepared 
to fill up and conduct the executive departments of 
our societies ; nor should they allow the soft al- 
lurements of their own houses, to draw them away 
from what is obviously the post of duty. We have 
known some, who, till they entered into wedded 
life, were the props and pillars of our institutions, 
yield so far to the solicitations of their new and 
dearest earthly friend, as to vacate their seat at the 
board of management, for ever after. It is, in- 
deed, a costly way of contributing to the cause of 
religion and humanity, to give those evening hours 
which could be spent so pleasantly in a country 
walk, or in the joint perusal of some interesting 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



31 



volume ; but who can do good, or ought to wish 
to do it, without sacrifices ? I know an eminently 
holy and useful minister, who told the lady to 
whom he was about to be united, that one of the 
conditions of their marriage was, that she should 
never ask him for that time, which, on any occa- 
sion, he felt it to be his duty to give to God. And 
surely, any woman might feel herself more blessed 
in having sometimes to endure the loss of a hus- 
band's society, whose presence and talents were 
coveted by all public institutions, than in being left 
to the unmolested enjoyment of the company of 
one, whose assistance was coveted by none. 

4. Mutual forbearance is another duty. 

This we owe to all, not excepting the stranger, 
or an enemy ; and most certainly it must not be de- 
nied to our nearest and dearest earthly friend. For 
the charity that sufFereth long and is kind ; that en- 
vieth not ; vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up ; 
that doth not behave itself unseemly ; seeketh not 
her own ; is not easily provoked: thinketh no evil ; 
rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth ; 
that covereth all things ; heiieveth all things ; 
hopeth all things ; endureth all things : for this 
charity there is both need and room in every rela- 
tion of life. Wherever sin or imperfection exists, 
there is scope for the forbearance of love. There 
is no perfection upon earth. Lovers, it is true, of- 
ten fancy they have found it ; but the more sober 
judgment of husbands and wives, generally corrects 
the mistake ; and first impressions of this kind, gen- 
erally pass away with first love. We should all 
enter the married state, remembering that we are 
about to be united to a fallen creature ; and as in 
every case, as Mr. Bolton remarks, it is not two 
angels that have met together, but two sinful chil- 
dren of Adam, from whom must be looked for 
much weakness and waywardness, we must make 
up our minds to some imperfection ; and remem- 
bering that we have no small share of our own that 
calls for the forbearance of the other party, shall 



32 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



exercise the patience that we ask. Where both 
have infirmities, and they are so constantly togeth- 
er, innumerable occasions will be furnished, if we 
are eager, or even willing to avail ourselves of the 
opportunities for those contentions, which, if they 
do not produce a permanent suppression of love, 
lead to its temporary interruption. Many things 
we should connive at, others we should pass by 
with an unprovoked mind, and in all things most 
carefully avoid even what at first may seem to be 
an innocent disputation. Affection does not for- 
bid, but actually demands that we should mutually 
point out our faults ; but this should be done in all 
the meekness of wisdom, united with all the tender- 
ness of love, lest we only increase the evil we in- 
tend to remove, or substitute a greater one in its 
place. Justice, as well as wisdom, requires that in 
every case, we set the good qualities against the 
bad ; and in most cases we shall find some redeem- 
ing excellencies, which, if they do not reconcile us 
to the failings we deplore, should at least teach us 
to bear them with patience : and the more we con- 
template these better aspects of the character, the 
brighter will they appear ; for it is an indubitable 
fact, that while faults diminish, virtues magnify, in 
proportion as they are steadily contemplated. As 
to bitterness of language, and violence of conduct, 
this is so utterly disgraceful, and in the circle which 
I am accustomed to instruct, altogether so rare and 
unusual, that it scarcely need be introduced even 
by way of cautioning against it. The ancients we 
are informed, took the gall from their nuptial sacri- 
fices, and cast it behind the altar, to intimate the 
removal of all bitterness from the marriage state. 

5. Mutual assistance is the duty of husbands 
and wives. 

This applies to the cares of life. Women are not 
usually very conversant with matters of trade, but 
still their counsel may be sought in a thousand 
cases with propriety and advantage. The husband 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



33 



should never undertake any thing of importance, 
without communicating the matter to his wife ; 
who, on her part, instead of shrinking from the re- 
sponsibility of a counsellor, and leaving him to 
struggle alone with his difficulties and perplexities, 
should invite him to communicate freely all his anxi- 
eties : for if she cannot counsel, she can comfort ; 
if she cannot relieve his cares, she can help to bear 
them ; if she cannot direct the course of his trade, 
she may the current of his feelings ; if she cannot 
open any source of earthly wisdom, she can spread 
the matter before the Father and fountain of lights. 
Many men under the idea of delicacy to their wives, 
keep all their difficulties to themselves, which only 
prepares them to feel the stroke the heavier when 
it does come. 

And then, as the wife should be willing to help 
the husband, in matters of business, he should be 
willing to share with her, the burden of domestic 
anxieties and fatigue. Some go too far, and utterly 
degrade the female head of the family, by treating 
her as if her honesty or ability could not be trusted 
in the management of the domestic economy. They 
keep the money, and dole it out as if they were 
parting with their life's blood, grudging every 
shilling they dispense, and requiring an account as 
rigid as they would from a suspected servant ; they 
take charge of every thing, give out every thing, 
interfere in every thing. This is to despoil a wo- 
man of her authority, to thrust her from her proper 
place, to insult and degrade her before her children 
and servants. Some, on the other hand, go to the 
opposite extreme, and take no share in any thing. 
My heart has ached to see the slavery of some de- 
voted, hard working, and ill used wives ; after la- 
boring all day amidst the ceaseless toils of a young 
and numerous family, they have had to pass the 
hours of evening in solitude, while their husbands, 
instead of coming home to cheer them by their so- 



34 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ciety, or to relieve them for only half an hour of 
their fatigue, have been either at a party or a ser- 
mon : and then have these hapless women had to 
wake and watch the live long night, over a sick or 
restless babe, while the men whom they accepted 
as the partner of their sorrows, were sleeping by 
their side, unwilling to give a single hour of their 
slumber, though it was to allow a little repose to 
their toil-worn wives. Why, even the irrational 
creatures shame such men ; for it is a well known 
fact, that the male bird takes his turn upon the 
nest during the season of incubation, to allow the 
female time to renew her strength by food and rest : 
and with her, also, goes in diligent quest of food, 
and feeds the young ones when they cry. No man 
should think of marrying, who does not stand pre- 
pared to share, as far as he can do it with his wife, 
the burden of domestic cares. 

They should be helpful to each other in the con- 
cerns of personal religion. This is clearly implied 
in the Apostle's language. u For what knowest 
thou, 0 wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband ? 
Or how knowest thou, 0 man, whether thou shalt 
save thy wife ?" # Where both parties are uncon- 
verted, or only one of them is yet a partaker of 
true piety, there should be the most anxious, judi- 
cious, and affectionate efforts for their salvation. 
How heathenish a state is it, to enjoy together the 
comforts of marriage, and then travel in company 
to eternal perdition ; to be mutual comforters on 
earth, and then mutual tormentors in hell ; to be 
companions in felicity in time, and companions in 
torment through eternity. And where both parties 
are real christians, there should be the exercise of a 
constant reciprocal solicitude, watchfulness and 
care, in reference to their spiritual and eternal wel- 
fare. One of the ends which every believer should 

*1 Corinthians, vii. 16. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 35 



propose to himself, on entering the marriage state, 
is to secure one faithful friend, at least, who will be 
a helpmate for him in reference to another world, 
and to assist him in the great business of his soul's 
salvation, and that will pray for him and with him ; 
one that will affectionately tell him of his sins and 
his defects, viewed in the light of a christian ; one 
that will stimulate and draw him by the power of a 
holy example, and the sweet force of persuasive 
words ; one that will warn him in temptation, 
comfort him in dejection, and in every way assist 
him in his pilgrimage to the skies. The highest 
end of the connubial state is lost, if it be not ren- 
dered helpful to our piety ; and yet this end is too 
generally neglected, even by professors of religion. 
Do we converse with each other as we ought on 
the high themes of redemption by Christ, and eter- 
nal salvation ? Do we study each other's disposi- 
tions, snares, troubles, decays in piety, that we may 
apply suitable remedies ? Do we exhort one anoth- 
er daily, lest we should be hardened through the 
deceitfulness of sin ? Do we practise fidelity with- 
out censoriousness ; and administer praise without 
flattery ? Do we invite one another to the most 
quickening and edifying means of a public nature, 
and recommend the perusal of such instructive and 
improving books as we have found beneficial to 
ourselves ? Do we mutually lay open the state of 
our minds on the subject of personal religion, and 
state our perplexities, our joys, our fears, our sor- 
sows ? Alas, alas, who must not blush at their 
neglects in these particulars ? And yet, such neglect 
is as criminal, as it is common. Fleeing from the 
wrath to come, and yet not doing all we can to 
aid each other's escape ! Contending side by side 
for the crown of glory, honor, immortality, and 
eternal life, and yet not doing all we can to ensure 
each other's success ! Is this love ? Is this the ten- 
derness of connubial affection ? 



36 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



This mutual help should extend to the mainte- 
nance of all the habits of domestic order, discipline and 
piety. The husband is to be the prophet, priest, 
and king of the family, to instruct their minds, to 
lead their devotions, and to govern their tempers ; 
but in all that relates to these important objects, the 
wife is to be of one mind with him. They are in 
these matters, to be workers together, neither of 
them leaving the other to labor alone, much less 
opposing or thwarting what is done. " When the 
sun shines the moon disappears, when he sets, she 
appears and shines ; so when the husband is at 
home, he leads domestic worship, when he is ab- 
sent, the wife must ever take his place." Some 
men refer the instruction of young children exclu- 
sively to their wives, and some wives, as soon as 
the children are too old to be taught upon the knee, 
think that they are exclusively the subjects of pa- 
ternal care. This is a mistake in the important 
economy of the family, the members of which are 
never too young to be taught and disciplined by 
the father, nor too old to be admonished and warn- 
ed by the mother : he may sometimes have a great 
influence in awing the rude spirits of the younger 
branches ; while her soft persuasive accents may 
have delightful power to melt or break the hard 
and stubborn hearts of older ones. Thus they who 
have a joint interest in a family, must attend to 
them in the exercise of a joint labor. 

They must be helpful to each other in works of 
humanity and religious benevolence. 

Their mutual influence should be exerted, not in 
restraining, but in stimulating zeal, compassion, and 
liberality. What a beautiful picture of domestic 
life is drawn by the pen of the Old Testament his- 
torian. " And it fell on a day that Elisha passed to 
Shunem, where was a great woman ; and she con- 
strained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft 
as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. 
And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I per- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



37 



ceive that this is a holy man of God, which passeth 
by us continually. Let us make a little chamber on 
the wall, and let us set for him there a bed, and a 
table, and. a stool, and a candlestick, and it shall 
be, that when he cometh to us, he shall turn in thith- 
er. And it fell on a day that he came thither, and 
he turned into the chamber, and lay there."* Every 
part of this scene is lovely. The generous and pious 
wish of the wife, to provide accommodations for a 
destitute and dependant prophet ; her prompt and 
prudent effort to interest her husband in the scheme 
of her benevolence ; her discreet and modest keep- 
ing of her place in not acting without his permis- 
sion ; her dignified claim of a right to be associated 
with him in this work of mercy, for said she, let us 
make a little chamber on the wall ; all is delightful, 
and as it should be, on her part : and no less so on 
the part of the man ; for there was no surly refusal, 
no proud rejection of the plan, because it did not 
originate with him, no covetous plea for setting it 
aside, on the ground of expense. Delighted, as 
every husband should be, to gratify the benevolent 
wishes, and support the liberal schemes of his wife, 
so far as prudence will allow, he consented ; the 
little chamber was erected, and furnished by this 
holy pair, and soon occupied by the prophet : and 
never was a generous action more speedilv or more 
richly rewarded. Elisha had no means of his own, 
by which to acknowledge the kindness ; but he who 
said in after times, " be that receiveth a prophet in 
the name of a prophet, shall receive a prophet's re- 
ward," took upon himself, as he does in every in- 
stance, the cause of his necessitous servant, and 
most munificently repaid the generous deed. 

A lovelier scene is not to be found on earth, than 
that of a pious couple, employing their mutual influ- 
ence, and the hours of their retired companionship, 

*2Kingsiv. 8—11 

4 



38 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 

9 



in stirring np each other's hearts to deeds of mercy 
and religious benevolence ; not Adam and Eve in 
Paradise, with the unspotted robes of their inno- 
cence about them, engaged in propping the vine, or 
trailing the rose of that holy garden, presented to 
the eyes of angels a more interesting spectacle than 
this. What a contrast does such a couple present, 
to the pairs which are almost every where to be 
found, whose calculations are not what they can 
save from unnecessary expense to bestow upon the 
cause of God and humanity, but what they can ab- 
stract or withhold from the claims of benevolence, 
to lavish upon splendid furniture, or domestic luxu- 
ries. Are there no wives who attempt to chill the 
ardor, to limit the beneficence, to stint the charities 
of their husbands ; who, by their incessant and quer- 
ulous, and almost quarrelsome suggestions, that he 
is doing too much for others, and too little for his 
own family, drive the good man, notwithstanding he 
is lord of his own property, to exercise his liberality 
in secret, and bestow his charities by stealth ? And 
what is oftentimes the object of such women ? noth- 
ing more than the pride of ambition, or the folly of 
vanity. Only that they might have these taxations 
and parings of charity, to spend upon dress, furni- 
ture, and parties. 

Perhaps the question will be asked, whether it is 
proper for a wife to give away the property of her 
husband in acts of humanity, or religious benevo- 
lence ? Such an inquiry ought to be unnecessary ; 
for no woman should be driven to the alternative of 
either doing nothing for the cause of God and man, 
or doing what she can by stealth. A sufficient sum 
ought to be placed at her disposal, to enable her to 
enjoy the luxury of doing good. Why should not 
she appear in her own name upon the honorable list 
of benefactors, and shine forth in her peculiar and 
separate glory, instead of being always lost in the 
radiance of our recorded mercy ? Why should she 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



30 



have no sphere of benevolent effort ? Why should 
ice monopoiize to ourselves the blessings of those 
that are ready to perish ? It is degrading a married 
female to allow her no discretion in this matter, no 
liberty of distribution, no power to dispense, even 
in cases that concern her sex, but to compel her to 
beg first of a husband, that which others come to 
beg of her. If, however, she be unhappily united 
to a Nabal, a churl, whose sordid, grasping, covet- 
ous disposition, will yield nothing to the claims of 
humanity or religion, may she then make up for the 
deficiency of her husband, and diffuse his property 
unknown to him ? I am strongly tempted to answer 
this question in the affirmative ; for if in any instance 
we may deviate from the ordinary rule, and taking 
the man at his own word, which he uttered when in. 
the solemn act of matrimony, he said, " with all my 
worldly goods I thee endow," may invest the wife 
with a joint proprietorship, and a right of appropri- 
ation, it is in such a case as this. But still, we must 
not sacrifice general principles, to special cases ; and 
therefore, I say to every female in such circumstan- 
ces, obtain if you can, a separate and fixed allow- 
ance for charitable distribution ; but if even this be 
not possible, obtain one for personal expences, and 
by a most rigid frugality, save all you can from dress 
and decoration, for the hallowed purpose of reliev- 
ing the miseries of your fellow creatures. 

6. Mutual sympathy is required. 

Sickness may call for this, and females seem both 
formed and inclined by nature to yield it. 

" O woman ! in our hours of ease, 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, 
And variable as the shade 
By the light quivering aspen made ; 
When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
A ministering angel thou !" 

Unwilling, and indeed, unable to subscribe to the 
former part cf this description, I do most readily 



40 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



assent to the truth of the latter. If we could do 
without her and be happy in health, what are we in 
sickness without her presence and her tender offi- 
ces ? Can we smooth, as woman can, the pillow on 
which the sick man lays his head ? No. We cannot 
administer the medicine or the food as she can. 
There is a softness in her touch, a lightness in her 
step, a skill in her arrangements, a sympathy looking 
down upon us from her beaming eye, which ours 
wants. Many a female, by her devoted and kind 
attentions in a season of sickness, has drawn back 
to herself that cold and alienated heart, which neith- 
er her charms could hold, nor her claims recover. 
I entreat you, therefore, married females, to put 
forth all your power to soothe and please in the sea- 
son of your husband's sickness. Let him see you 
willing to make any sacrifices of pleasure, ease, or 
sleep, to minister to his comfort. Let there be a 
tenderness in your manner, a wakeful attention and 
sympathy in your look, a something that seems to 
say, your only comfort in his affliction, is to employ 
yourselves in alleviating it. Hearken with patience 
and kindness to the tale of his lighter, and even of 
his imaginary woes. A cold, heartless, awkward, 
unsympathising woman, is an exception from the 
general rule, and therefore, the severer libel upon 
her sex. 

Nor is this sympathy exclusively the duty of the 
wife; but belongs equally to the husband. He cannot, 
it is true, perform the same offices for her, which 
she can discharge for him : but much he can do, 
and all he can he should do. Her sicknesses are 
generally more numerous and heavy than his ; she is 
likely, therefore, to make more frequent calls upon 
his tender interest and attention. Many of her ail- 
ments are the consequence of becoming his wife : 
she was, perhaps, in full vigor, till she became a 
mother, and from that time, never had a moment's 
perfect ease or strength again. That event which 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



44 



sent into his heart the joys of a parent, dismissed 
from her frame the comforts of health. And shall 
he look with discontent, and indifference, and in- 
sensibility upon that delicate flower, which, before 
he transplanted it to his garden, glowed in beauty 
and in fragrance, to the admiration of every spec- 
tator ? Shall he now cease to regard it with any 
pleasure, or sympathy, and seem as if he wished it 
gone, to make room for another, forgetting that it 
was he that sent the worm to the root, and caused 
its head to droop, and its colors to fade ? Husbands, 
I call upon you for all the skill and tenderness of 
love, on behalf of your wives, if they are weak and 
sickly. Watch by their couch, talk with them, 
pray with them, walk with them, wake with them. 
In all their afflictions, be you afflicted. Never listen 
heedlessly to their complaints ; and oh, by all that is 
sacred in conjugal affection, I implore you never, 
by your cold neglect, or petulant expressions, or 
discontented look, to call up in their imaginations, 
unusually sensitive at such a season, the phantom of 
a fear, that the disease which has destroyed their 
health, has done the same for your affection. Oh ! 
spare their bosom the agonizing pangs of supposing, 
that they are living to be a burden to your disap- 
pointed heart. The cruelty of that man wants a 
name, and I know of none sufficiently emphatic, 
who denies his sympathy to a suffering woman, 
whose only sin is a broken constitution, and whose ca- 
lamity is the result of her marriage. Such a man 
does the work of a murderer, without his punish- 
ment, and in some instances, without his reproach ; 
but not always without his design or his remorse. 

But sympathy should be exercised by man and 
wife, not only in reference to their sicknesses, but 
to all their afflictions, whether personal or relative: 
all their sorrows should be common : like two 
strings in unison, the chord of grief should never 
be struck in the heart of one, without causing a 
*4 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : 



corresponding vibration in the heart of the other ; 
or, like the surface of the lake answering to the 
heaven, it should be impossible for calmness and 
sunshine to be upon one, while the other is agitated 
and cloudy ; heart should answer to heart, and face 
to face. 

Such are the duties common to both ; the obli- 
gations peculiarly enjoined upon each, will be the 
subject of the next chapter. 



CHAPTER II. 



THE SPECIAL DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES. 



" Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the 
church : and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, as the church is 
subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every 
thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, 
and pave hiinseif for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the 
washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glori- 
ous church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing ; but that it 
should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as 
their own bodir s. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. For no man 
ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the 
Lord the church : For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of 
his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and 
shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is 
a great mystery : but I speak concerning Christ and the church." 

Ephesiaks v. 22—32. 

Observe the sublime and transcendently interesting 
fact, which stands amidst the duties of domestic 
life, as stated by the apostle, in the language quoted 
above, like the sun in the centre of the planets, il- 
luminating, impelling, and uniting them all . E very 
part of this most comprehensive and beautiful pas- 
sage is inimitably striking. The design of the 
whole, is to magnify Christ's love to the church ; in 
order to this, the moral condition of the church 
previous to the transforming work of redeeming 
grace, is supposed to be that of loathsome impurity; 
yet notwithstanding this, he exercises the tenderest 
compassion for her welfare, and is not repelled by 
excessive defilement. To effect her redemption, he 
does not merely employ the operations of his power 
and of his wisdom, bat surrendered himself into 
the hands of divine justice, that as a sacrifice of 



44 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



atonement, lie might ransom the object of his re- 
gard, at the price of his blood ; thus manifesting an 
affection stronger than death, and " which many 
waters could not quench." The ultimate design of 
this act of mysterious humiliation, is to render her 
in some measure worthy of his regard, and meet 
for that indissoluble union with himself, unto which 
as his illustrious bride, she was about to be receiv- 
ed ; for this purpose, the efficient influences of the 
Holy Ghost were to be poured upon her mind, that 
in the cordial reception of the truth, she might be 
purified from iniquity, have the germ of every virtue 
implanted in her heart, and the robe of righteous- 
ness spread over her fame ; till at length, under the 
dispensations of his providence, the means of his 
grace, and the sanctifying agency of his Spirit, the 
last spot of moral defilement might be effaced, the 
last wrinkle of spiritual decay removed, and like 
"the king's daughter, all glorious within, and with 
her clothing of wrought gold," she might be pre- 
sented, covered with the beauties of holiness, to 
the Lord Jesus, in that day, "when he shall come 
to be admired in his saints, and glorified in all them 
that believe." Behold, what manner of love is this! 
And it is this most amazing, this unparalleled act of 
mercy, that is employed by the apostle, as the mo- 
tive of all christian conduct. He knew nothing of 
moral philosophy, if by this expression be meant, 
the abstract principles of ethics. He left as he 
found them, the grounds of moral obligations, but 
he did not enforce virtue by a mere reference to our 
relations to God as creatures, but by a reference 
to our relation to Christ, as redeemed sinners. He 
fetched his motives to good works, from the cross ; 
he made the power of that to be felt, not only on 
the conscience, as supplying the means of pardon, 
but upon the heart, as furnishing the most cogent, 
and at the same time the most insinuating argu- 
ment for sanctification : he not only irradiates the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 45 



gloom of despondency, or melts the stubborn ob- 
stinacy of unbelief, or stays the wreckless progress of 
despair, by inspiring a feeling of hope ; no ; but by 
the death of a crucified Saviour, and an exhibition 
of his most unbounded compassion, he attacks the 
vices of the depraved heart, and inculcates all the 
virtues of the renewed mind. The doctrine of the 
cross is the substance of christian truth, and the 
great support of christian morals : and the apostle's 
mind and heart were full of it. Does he enforce 
humility ? It is thus: u Let the mind be in you which 
was in Christ Jesus." An unreserved devotedness 
to God ? It is thus : " Ye are not your own ; for ye 
are bought with a price ; therefore glorify G od with 
your body and in your spirit, which are his." Broth- 
erly love ? It is thus: " Herein is love, not that we 
loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son 
to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God 
so loved us, we ought also to love one another." 
A forgiving temper ? It is thus: " Be ye kind one 
to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, 
even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." 
Benevolence to the poor ? It is thus: " For ye know 
the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, who, though 
he was rich, for our sakes became poor, that we, 
through his poverty might be made rich."* And 
who but an apostle would have thought of enforcing 
conjugal affection by a reference to the love of 
Christ to his church. And he has done this ; and 
lias thus represented redeeming love, as a kind of 
holy atmosphere, surrounding the christian on all 
sides, accompanying him every where, sustaining 
his spiritual existence, the very element in which 
his religion lives, moves, and has its being. And 
this, indeed, is religion ; not a name, not a creed, not 
a form, not an abstract feeling, not an observance 

* Phil. ii. 5. 1 Cor. vi. 20. 1 John iv. 10, 11. Ephes. iv. 32. 2 
Cor. viii. 9. 



46 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



of times and places, not a mere mental costume or 
holy dress which we put on exclusively for certain 
seasons and occasions ; no ; but a moral habit, a 
mental taste, the spirit of the mind, which will 
spontaneously appear in our language, feeling, and 
behaviour, by a reference to Jesus Christ, as the 
ground of hope, and the model of imitation. 

In stating the duties especially enjoined on the 
two parties in the conjugal union, I shall begin 
with those of the husband. He is commanded to 
love his wife. 

As we have already shown, that this is a duty of 
both parties, the question very naturally arises, 
c< For what reason is it so especially enjoined upon 
the husband ?" Why is he so particularly bound to 
the exercise of affection ? Perhaps for the following 
reasons: 1. Because in the very nature of things, 
he is most in danger of failing in this duty. Placed 
by the Creator as "the head of the wife," and in- 
vested with a certain right to govern his household, 
he is more in peril of merging the tender sensibil- 
ities in the predominant consciousness of superior- 
ity. 2. Because he-is actually more deficient in 
this dut} r than the other party. This has ever been 
the case in Pagan and Mahomedan countries. In 
barbarous nations, especially, conjugal affection has 
ever been exceedingly weak, and it is probable, 
that even in the more civilized countries of Greece 
and Rome, it was not so generally strong and steady, 
as it has since been made by Christianity. But with- 
out even going beyond the limits of Christendom, 
it may be truly said, that husbands are usually 
more deficient in love than wives : the latter, in my 
opinion, excel the former in tenderness, in strength, 
in constancy of affection. 3. Because a want of 
love on the part of the man, is likely to be attended 
with more misery to the other party : he can go to 
greater excesses in violence, in cruelty, in deprav- 
ity. The want of this tender passion in him, is 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



4? 



likely to have a still worse effect upon his own 
character, and the peace of the wife, than the want 
of it, in her ; in either case, a destitution of this 
kind, is a melancholy thing : but in him, it is on 
several accounts, the most to be dreaded. 

The apostle lays down two models or rules, for 
a husband's affection ; the one is, the love which 
Christ has manifested for his church ; and the other, 
the love which a man bears for himself. 

In directing your attention to the first, I shall 
exhibit the properties of Christ's love, and show in 
what way our affection should be conformed to his. 

Christ's love was sincere. He did not love in 
word only, but in deed and in truth. In him there 
was no dissimulation ; no epithets of endearment 
going forth out of feigned lips ; no actions varnish- 
ed over with a mere covering of love. We must be 
like him, and endeavour to maintain a principle of 
true regard in the heart, as well as a show of it in 
the conduct. It is a miserable thing to have to act 
the part of love, without feeling it. Hypocrisy is 
base in every thing, but next to religion, is most 
base in affection. Besides, how difficult it is to act 
the part well, to keep on the mask, and to support 
the character so as to escape detection ! Oh, the 
misery of that woman's heart, who at length finds 
out to her cost, that what she has been accustomed 
to receive and value as the attentions of a lover, are 
but the tricks of a cunning dissembler. 

The love of the Redeemer was ardent. 

Let us, if we would form a correct idea of what 
should be the state of our hearts towards the woman 
of our choice, think of that affection which glowed 
in the bosom of the Saviour, when he lived and died 
for his people. We can possess, it is true, neither 
the same kind, nor the same degree of regard, but 
surely when we are referred to such an instance, if 
not altogether as a model, yet as a motive, it does 
teach us, that no weak affection is due, or should 



48 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



be offered to the wife of our bosom. We are told 
by the Saviour himself, that if he laid down his life 
for us, it is our duty to lay down ours for the breth- 
ren ; how much more, for the u friend that sticketh 
closer than a brother." And if it be our duty to 
lay down our life, how much more to employ it while 
it lasts, in all the offices of an affection, strong, 
steady, and inventive. She that for our sake has 
forsaken the comfortable home, and the watchful 
care, and the warm embrace of her parents, has a 
right to expect in our regard, that which shall make 
her u forget her father's house," and cause her to 
feel that with respect to happiness, she is no loser 
by the exchange. Happy the woman, and such 
should every husband strive to make his wife, who 
can look back without a sigh upon the moment, 
when she quitted for ever, the guardians, the com- 
panions, and the scenes of her childhood ! 

The love of Christ to his church was supreme. 
He gives to the world his benevolence, but to the 
church his complacency. <c The Lord thy God in 
the midst of thee," said the prophet, "is mighty; 
he will save thee, he will rejoice over thee, with joy; 
he will rest in his love ; he will joy over thee with 
singing." So must the husband regard his wife, 
above all else; he must u rest in his love." He 
should regard her not only above all without his 
house, but above all within. She must take prece- 
dence both in his heart and conduct not only of all 
strangers, but of air relatives, and also of all his 
children ; he ought to love his children for her sake, 
rather than her for theirs. Is this always the case ? 
On the contrary, have we not often seen men, who 
appear to be far more interested in their children 
than in their wives ; and who have paid far Jess at- 
tention to the latter than to grown-up daughters ? 
How especially unseemly is it, for a man to be seen 
fonder of the society of any other woman, than 
that of his wife, even where nothing more may be 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



49 



intended than the pleasure of her company. Nor 
ought he to forsake her, in his leisure hours, for any 
companions of his own sex, however interesting 
might be their manners or their conversation. 

The love of Christ is uniform. Like himself, it 
is the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Conju- 
gal affection should have the same character : it 
should be at all times, and in all places alike : the 
same at home, as abroad ; in other person's houses, as 
in our own. Has not many a wife to sigh and ex- 
claim — " 0 that I were treated in my own house, 
with the same tenderness and attention as I receive 
in company." With what almost loathing and dis- 
gust must such a woman turn from endearments, 
which under such circumstances, she can consider 
as nothing but hypocrisy. Home is the chief place 
for fond and minute attention ; and she who has not 
to complain of a want of it there, will seldom feel 
the need or the inclination to complain of a want of 
it abroad, except it be, those silly women, who would 
degrade their husbands, by exacting not merely what 
is really kind, but what is actually ridiculous. 

The love of the Redeemer was practical and la- 
borious. He provided every thing by his media- 
tion for the welfare and comfort of the church, and 
at a cost and by exertions of which we can form no 
idea. It has been already declared, that both par- 
ties are to assist in the cares of life. A good wife 
cannot be an idle one. Beautiful is her portraiture, 
as drawn by the wise man. " Who can find a vir- 
tuous woman ? for her price is far above rubies. 
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, 
so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do 
him good and not evil all the days of her life. She 
layeth her hands to the spindle and her hands hold 
the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the 
poor, yea she reacheth forth her hand to the needy. 
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sit- 
teth amongst the elders of the land. She opendth 



50 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the 
law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of 
her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 
Her children rise up and call her blessed ; her hus- 
band also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters 
have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain ; but a wo- 
man that feareth the Lord she shall be praised. 
Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her own 
works praise her in the gates." Proverbs xxxi. 
This exquisite picture, combining as it does indus- 
try, prudence, dignity, meekness, wisdom and pie- 
ty, cannot be too frequently or minutely studied, 
by those who would attain to high degrees of fe- 
male excellence. The business of providing for 
the family, however, belongs chiefly to the hus- 
band. It is yours, my brethren, to rise up early, to 
sit up late, to eat the bread of carefulness, and to 
drink if necessary, the waters of affliction, that you 
may earn by the sweat of your brow, a comforta- 
ble support for the domestic circle. This is proba- 
bly what the apostle meant, when he enjoined us 
to give honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel : 
the honor of maintenance, which she in conse- 
quence of the weakness of her frame, and the fre- 
quent infirmities which the maternal relation brings 
upon her, is not so well able to procure for herself. 
In most barbarous countries, and in some half civil- 
ized ones, the burden of manual labor falls upon 
the female, while her tyrant lord lives in indolence, 
feeding upon the industry of the helpless being 
whom he calls a wife, but treats as a slave. And 
are there no such idle tyrants in our age and coun- 
try, who so as tbey can live in indolence, and grati- 
fy their appetites, care not how they oppress their 
wives ? Wretches who do little or nothing for the 
support of the family ? How utterly lost to every 
noble and generous sentiment must that man be 
whose heart cannot be moved by the entreaties or 
tears of an interesting woman, and who can hear in 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



51 



vain her pleadings for his child at her breast, and 
his child by her side, and who by such appeals can- 
not be induced to giv T e up his daily visits to the 
tavern, or his habits of sauntering idleness, to at- 
tend to his neglected business, and stay the ap- 
proaching tide of poverty and ruin. Such a crea- 
ture is worse than a brute, he is a monster ; and it 
seems a pity, that there is no law and no convict 
ship to bear him away to a land, where if he will 
not work, so neither could he eat. 

In general, it is for the benefit of a family, that a 
married woman should devote her time and atten- 
tion almost exclusively to the ways of her household : 
her place is in the centre of domestic cares. What 
is gained by her in the s/iop, is oftentimes lost in the 
house, for want of the judicious superintendence of a 
mother and a mistress. Comfort and order, as well 
as money, are domestic wealth ; and can these be ra- 
tionally expected in the absence of female arrange- 
ment ? The children always want a mother's eye 
and hand and should always have them. Let the 
husband then have the care of providing ; the wife, 
that of distributing ; for this is the rule both of 
reason and revelation. 

And as Christ labored for his church, not only 
during his abode upon earth, but made provision 
for its welfare when he departed from our world, 
in like manner should the husband take care of his 
wife. I never could understand that custom, which 
is but too common, of men's providing by their wills 
so much better for the children than they do for the 
mother. Does this look like a supreme love ? Eve- 
ry man who raises a woman to the rank of his wife, 
should take care, however inferior she might have 
been in circumstances before their marriage, to 
leave her in the situation into which lie brought 
her : for it is indeed most cruel, to leave her to be 
deprived at once, not only of her dearest earthly 
friend, but of her usual means of comfortable sub- 
sistence. 



5-2 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : Oil 



A practical affection to a wife extends, however, 
to every thing, it should manifest itself in the most 
delicate attention to her comfort and her feelings ; 
in consulting her tastes ; in concealing her failings ; 
in never doing any thing to degrade her, but every 
thing to exalt her before her children and servants ; 
in acknowledging her excellencies, and commend- 
ing her efforts to please him ; in meeting, and even 
anticipating all her reasonable requests ; in short, 
in doing all that ingenuity can invent for her sub- 
stantial happiness and general comfort. 

Christ's love to his church was durable and un- 
changeable. " Having loved his own he loved 
them to the end," without abatement or alteration : 
so ought husbands to love their wives, not only at 
the beginning but to the end of their union ; when 
the charms of beauty have fled before the wither- 
ing influence of disease : when the vigorous and 
sprightly frame has lost its elasticity, and the step 
has become slow and faltering : when the wrinkles 
of age have succeeded to the bloom of youth, and 
the whole person seems rather the monument, than 
the resemblance, of what it once was. Has she not 
gained in mind what she has lost in exterior fasci- 
nations ? Have not her mental graces, nourished 
amidst the ruins of personal charms ? If the rose 
and the lily have faded on the cheek, have not the 
fruits of righteousness grown in the soul ? If those 
blossoms have departed, on which the eye of youth- 
ful passion gazed with so much ardor, has it not 
been to give way to the ripe fruit of christian ex- 
cellence ? The woman is not what she was, but the 
wife, the mother, the christian, are better than they 
were. For an example of conjugal love in all its 
power and excellence, point me not to the bride 
and bridegroom displaying during the first month 
of their union all the watchfulness and tenderness of 
affection, but let me look upon the husband and 
wife of fifty, whose love has been tried by the lapse 
and the changes of a quarter of a century, and who 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 53 



through this period and by these vicissitudes, have 
grown in attachment and esteem ; and whose affec- 
tion, if not glowing with all the fervid heat of a 
midsummer's day, is still like the sunshine of an 
October noon, warm and beautiful, as reflected 
amidst autumnal tints. 

But, before I go away from this view of a hus- 
band's especial duty, I must just advert to another 
rule of his regard which is laid down for him by 
the apostle. " So ought men to love their wives, 
as their own bodies : he that loveth his wife loveth 
himself." A man's children are parts of himself ; 
his wife is himself : "for they two shall be one 
flesh." " This is his duty and the measure of it 
too : which is so plain, that, if he understands how 
he treats himself, there needs nothing be added con- 
cerning his demeanor towards her ; for what 
mighty care does he take of his body, and uses it 
with a delicate tenderness, and cares for it in all 
contingencies, and watches to keep it from all evils, 
and studies to make for it fair provisions, and is 
very often led by its inclinations and desires, and 
does never contradict its appetites, but when they 
are evil, and then also not without some trouble 
and sorrow." So let a man love his wife as his 
own body. 

Can it be necessary to apply the force of motives 
to produce an appropriate attention to sucha duty ? 
If so, I appeal to your sense of honor. Husbands 
call to recollection the wakeful assiduities, and the 
tender attentions, by which you won the affection 
and the confidence of the woman, who forsook her 
father and her mother, and the home of her child- 
hood, to find a resting place for her heart in your 
attachment ; and will ye falsify the vows you 
plighted and disappoint the hopes you raised ? Is 
it accounted a disgraceful stigma on a man's repu- 
tation, to forfeit the pledges of a lover 9 oh ! how 
much more dishonorable to forget those of a hus- ^ 
band ! That man has disgraced himself who fur- 
*5 



5-1 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



nishes just occasion to the partner of his clays, to 
draw with a sigh, a contrast between the affection- 
ate attention she received as a lover and as a wife. 

I urge affection to a wife, by the recollection of 
that solemn moment, when in the presence of heaven 
and earth, before God's minister, and in God's 
house, you bound yourself by all the deeply awful 
formalities of a kind of oath, to throw open, and 
keep open your heart, as the fountain of her earth- 
ly happiness, and to devote your whole life to the 
promotion of her welfare. 

I appeal to your regard to justice. You have 
sworn away yourself to her, and are no longer your 
own. You have no right to that individual, and 
separate, and independent kind of life, which would 
lead you to seek your happiness, in opposition to, 
or neglect of hers. " You twain are one flesh." 

Humanity puts in its claim on behalf of your 
wife. It is in your power to do more for her hap- 
piness or misery, than any other being in the uni- 
verse, short of God himself. An unkind husband 
is a tormentor of the first class. His victim can 
never elude his grasp, nor go beyond the reach of 
his cruelty, till she is kindly released by the king 
of terrors, who, in this instance becomes to her an 
angel of light, and conducts her to the grave as to 
a shelter from her oppressor. For such a woman 
there is no rest on earth : the destroyer of her 
peace has her ever in his power, for she is always 
in his presence or in the fear of it : the circum- 
stances of every place, and every day, furnish him 
with the occasions of cruel neglect or unkindness, 
and it might be fairly questioned, whether there is 
to be found on earth, a case of greater misery, ex- 
cept it be that of a wretch tortured by remorse and 
despair, than a woman whose heart daily withers 
under the cold looks, the chilling words, and re- 
pulsive actions of a husband, who loveth her not. 
Such a man is a murderer, though he escapes in 
this world the murderer's doom ; and by a refine- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



55 



ment of cruelty, he employs years in conducting 
his victim to her end, by the slow process of a lin- 
gering death. 

If nothing else can prevail, interest should, for no 
man can hate his wife, without hating himself, for 
u she is his own flesh." Love, like mercy, is a 
double blessing ; and hatred, like cruelty is a double 
torment. We cannot love a worthy object without 
rejoicing in the reflex beams of our own affection. 
Next to the supreme regard we cherish towards 
God, and which it is impossible to exercise and not 
hold communion with angels in the joys of heaven, 
connubial love is the most beatifying passion ; and 
to transvenom this into unkindness, is to open at the 
very centre of our soul, a source of poison, which, 
before it exudes to torture others, torments our- 
selves. 

I cannot here avoid inserting the exquisite and 
touching appeal, which Mr. Jay puts into the lips 
of married women to their husbands. — " Honor us ; 
deal kindly with us. From many of the opportu- 
nities, and means by which you procure favorable 
notice, we are excluded. Doomed to the shades, 
few of the high places of the earth are open to us. 
Alternately we are adored and oppressed. From 
our slaves you become our tyrants. You feel our 
beauty, and avail yourselves of our weakness. You 
complain of our inferiority, but none of your be- 
havior bids us rise. Sensibility has given us a 
thousand feelings, which nature has kindly denied 
you. Always under restraints, we have little liberty 
of choice. Providence seems to have been more 
attentive to enable us to confer happiness, than to 
enjoy it. — Every condition has for us fresh mortifi- 
cations ; every relation new sorrows. We enter so- 
cial bonds ; it is a system of perpetual sacrifice. We 
cannot give life to others without hazarding our 
own. We have sufferings which you do not share, 
cannot share. — If spared, years and decays invade 



56 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



our charms, and much of the ardor produced by at- 
traction departs with it. — We may die. — The grave 
covers us, and we are soon forgotten ; soon are the 
days of your mourning ended, soon is our loss re- 
paired : dismissed even from your speech, our name 
is to be heard no more — a successor may dislike it. 
— Our children, after having a mother by nature, 
may fall under the control of a mother by affinity, 
and be mortified by distinctions made between them, 
and her own offspring. — Though the duties which 
we have discharged invariably, be the most import- 
ant and necessary, they do not shine : they are too 
common to strike : they procure no celebrity : the 
wife, the mother fills no historic page. Our priva- 
tions, our confinements, our wearisome days, our 
interrupted, our sleepless nights, the hours we have 
hung in anxious watchings over your sick and dy- 
ing offspring." — But we forbear. 

I NOW COME TO THE DUTIES ENJOINED UPON 
THE WIFE. 

The first I mention is subjection. 

64 Wives submit yourselves unto your own hus- 
bands as unto the Lord; for the husband is the head 
of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; 
and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as 
the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives 
be to their own husbands in every thing." The 
same thing is enjoined also in the epistle to the 
Colossians. Peter unites with Paul in the same 
strain. " Ye wives be in subjection to your own 
husbands." Before I state the kind of subjection 
here commanded, it is necessary to state the nature 
of the authority to which it is to be yielded. Here 
I would observe, that with whatsoever kind and de- 
gree of authority the husband is invested over the 
wife, it is such as is in no way incompatible with, or 
trenches upon the strongest and tenderest affection. And 
it is worthy of remark, "that the apostle does not 
enjoin husbands to rule, nor instruct him how, but 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



57 



merely to love ; so that it seems to be with them, 
as with bishops and priests, to whom much honor 
is due, but yet so that if they stand upon it, and 
challenge it, they become less honorable." 

It is such an authority, as is compatible with re- 
ligion or the claims of God ; for no man has a right 
to enjoin, and no woman is bound to obey any com- 
mand which is in opposition to the letter or spirit 
of the Bible. — It is such an authority, as is conso- 
nant with sound reason, its injunctions must all be 
reasonable, for surely it is too much to expect, that 
a wife is to become a slave of folly, any more than 
of cruelty. It is an authority, that accords with the 
idea of companionship. It was very beautifully ob- 
served by an ancient writer, that when Adam en- 
deavored to shift the blame of his transgression 
upon his wife, he did not say " the woman thou 
gavest to me," no such thing, she is none of his 
goods, none of his possessions, not to be reckoned 
amongst his servants ; but he said " the woman thou 
gavest to be with me," that is, to be my partner, the 
companion of my joys and sorrows. 

Let conjugal authority be founded upon love, be 
never exercised in opposition to revelation or rea- 
son, and be regulated by the idea of companion- 
ship, and then there needs no particular rules for 
its guidance ; for within such limits, it can never 
degenerate into tyranny ; nor can it ever oppress its 
subjects : to such a power any woman may bow, 
without degradation, for its yoke is easy and its 
burden light. In every society, from that which 
finds its centre in the father's chair, to that which in 
a wider circle rests upon the throne; there must be 
precedence vested somewhere, and some ultimate 
authority, some last and highest tribunal establish- 
ed, from the decision of which, there lies no appeal. 
In the domestic constitution this superiority vests 
in the husband : he is the head, the lawgiver, the 
ruler. In all matters touching the little world in 



58 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



the house, he is to direct, not indeed without taking 
counsel with his wife, but in all discordancy of view, 
he, unless he choose to waive his right, is to decide; 
and to his decision the wife should yield, and yield 
with grace and cheerfulness. No man ought to 
resign his authority, as the head of the family, no 
woman ought to wish him to do it : he may give up 
his predilections and yield to her wishes, but he must 
not abdicate the throne, nor resign his sceptre. 
Usurpation is always hateful, and it is one of the 
most offensive exhibitions of it, where the husband 
is degraded into a slave of the queen mother. Such 
a woman looks contemptible even upon the throne. 
I admit it is difficult for a sensible woman to submit 
to imbecility, but she should have considered this 
before she united herself to it : having committed 
one error, let her not fall into a second, but give the 
strongest proof of her good sense which circum- 
stances will allow her to offer, by making that con- 
cession to superiority of station, which there is no 
opportunity in her case for her to do to superiority 
of mind. She may reason, she may persuade, she 
may solicit, but if ignorance cannot be convinced, 
nor obstinacy turned, nor kindness conciliated, she 
has no resource left but to — submit : and one of the 
finest scenes ever to be presented by the domestic 
economy, is that of a sensible woman employing 
her talents and address, not to subvert, but to sup- 
port the authority of a weak husband ; a woman 
who prompts but does not command, who persuades, 
but does not dictate, who influences, but does not 
compel, and who, after taking pains to conceal her 
beneficent interference, submits to the authority 
which she has both supported and guided. An 
opposite line of conduct is most mischievous ; for 
weakness, when placed in perpetual contrast with 
superior judgment, is rarely blind to its own de- 
fects ; and as this consciousness of inferiority, when 
united with office, is always jealous, it is both 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



59 



watchful and resentful of any interference with its 
prerogative. There must be subjection then, which, 
where it cannot be yielded to superior talents, be- 
cause there are none, must be conceded to superi- 
ority of station. But let husbands be cautious not 
to put the submission of their wives to too severe 
a test. It is hard, very hard, to obey a rash, in- 
discreet and silly ruler. " If you will be the head, 
remember the head is not only the seat of govern- 
ment, but of knowledge. If you will have the 
management of the ship, see that a fool is not 
placed at the helm. Shall the blind offer them- 
selves as guides ?" 

The grounds of submission are many and strong. 
Waiving all motives founded upon the comparative 
strength of mind with which the two sexes may 
be gifted, I refer my female friends, to less ques- 
tionable matters. Look at the creation ; woman 
was made after the man, " for Adam was first form- 
ed, then Eve." She was made out of man, " for the 
man is not of the woman, but the woman of the 
man." She was made for man, u neither was the 
man created for the woman, but the woman for the 
man." Look at the fall. Woman occasioned it. 
" Adam was not deceived, but the woman being de- 
ceived, was in the transgression." She was thus 
punished for it, u Thy desire shall be to thy hus- 
band, and he shall rule over thee." Look at her 
history. Have not the customs of all nations, an- 
cient and modern, savage and civilized, acknowl- 
edged her subordination ? Look at the light in which 
this subject is placed in the JS r ew Testament. How 
strong is the language of the text, "the husband is 
the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of 
the church. Therefore as the church is subject 
unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own hus- 
bands in every thing." 

Let me then, my respected female friends, as you 
would submit to the authority of Christ, as you 



60 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



would adorn the station that providence has called 
you to occupy, as you would promote your own 
peace, the comfort of your husband, and the wel- 
fare of your family, admonish you, meekly and 
gracefully to be subject in all things, not only to 
the wise and good, but to the foolish and ill-deserv- 
ing. You may reason, as I have said before, you 
may expostulate, but you must not rebel or refuse. 
Let it be your glory to feel how much you can en- 
dure, rather than despise the institutions of heaven, 
or violate those engagements into which you volun- 
tarily, and so solemnly entered. Let your submis- 
sion be characterised by cheerfulness, and not by 
reluctant sullenness : let it not be preceded by a 
struggle, but yielded at once and for ever : let there 
be no holding out to the last extremity, and then 
a mere compulsory capitulation ; but a voluntary, 
cheerful, undisputed, and unrevoked concession. 

2. The next duty enjoined upon a wife is rever- 
ence. 

" Let the wife see that she reverence her husband." 
This duty is nearly allied to the last, but is still some- 
what different. By reverence, the apostle means 
nothing of slavish, or obsequious homage, but that 
respect and deference which are due to one whom 
we are commanded to obey. Your reverence will 
be manifest in your ivords : for instance, in your 
manner of speaking of him : you will avoid all that 
would tend to lessen him in the esteem of others ; 
all exposure of his faults or minor weaknesses ; all 
depreciation of his understanding or domestic rule. 
Such gossip is detestable and mischievous, for can 
any thing tend more to irritate him, than to find that 
you have been sinking him in the esteem of the pub- 
lic ? Reverence will be displayed in your manner of 
speaking Zohim. " Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, 
calling him Lord all flippant pertness, everything 
of contemptuous consciousness of superiority, of 
dictation and command, of unnecessary contradic- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



61 



tion, of pertinacious and obtrusive disputation, of 
scolding accusation, of angry, reproachful complaint, 
of noisy and obstreperous expostulation, should be 
avoided. Almost all domestic quarrels begin in 
words ; and it is usually in a woman's power to pre- 
vent them by causing the law of kindness to dwell 
upon her lips, and calming the gusts of her husband's 
passion, by those soft answers which turn away wrath, 
Especially should she be careful how she speaks to 
him or even before him, in the company of her fam- 
ily or of strangers : she must not talk him into si- 
lence ; nor talk at him ; nor say any thing that is 
calculated to wound or degrade him; for a sting in- 
flicted in public is doubly charged with venom. She 
must not endeavor to eclipse him, to engross the at- 
tention of the company to herself, to reduce him to 
a cypher which is valueless, till she stands before 
him. This is not reverence : on the contrary, she 
should do all in her power to sustain his respecta- 
bility and dignity in public esteem, and her very 
mode of addressing him, partaking at once of the 
kindness of affection, and the deference of respect, 
is eminently calculated to do this. And should he 
at any time express himself in the language of re- 
proof, even though that reproof be causeless, or un- 
justly severe, let her be cautious not to forget her 
station, so as to be betrayed into a railing recrimi- 
nation, a contemptuous silence, or a moody sullen- 
ness. Difficult, I am aware it is, to show reverence 
and respect, where there are no other grounds for it 
to rest upon than mere station ; and as easy to pay 
it, where wisdom, dignity and piety support the 
claims of relationship : but in proportion to the dif- 
ficulty of a virtuous action, is its excellence ; and 
her's is indeed superior virtue, who yields to the re- 
lationship of her husband that reverence which he 
forbids her to pay to him on account of his conduct. 

Her reverence will extend itself to her conduct, 
and lead to an incessant desire to please him in all 



03 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



things. It is assumed by the apostle as an indisput- 
able and general fact, that " the married woman 
careth how she may please her husband." All her 
conduct should be framed upon this principle, to 
give him contentment and to increase his delight in 
her. Let her appear contented with her lot, and 
that will do much to render him content with his : 
while, on the other hand, nothing is more likely to 
generate discontent in his heart, than the appear- 
ance of it in her. Let her by cheerful good humor 
diffuse an air of pleasantness over his dwelling. Let 
her guard as much as possible against a gloomy and 
moody disposition, which causes her to move about 
with the silence and cloudiness of a spectre ; for 
who likes to dwell in a haunted house ? She should 
always welcome him across his threshhold with a 
smile, and ever put forth all her ingenuity in study- 
ing to please him, by consulting his wishes, by sur- 
prising him occasionally by those unlooked for and 
ingenious devices of affection, which though small 
in themselves, are the proofs of a mind intent upon 
the business of giving pleasure. The greater acts 
of reverent and respectful love, are often regarded 
as matters of course, and as such produce little im- 
pression ; but the lesser acts of attention, which 
come not into the usual routine of conjugal duties, 
and into the every day offices which may be calcu- 
lated upon with almost as much certainty as the 
coming of the hour which they are to occupy, these 
free-will offerings of an inventive and active regard, 
these extra tokens of respect, and expressions of re- 
gard, have a mighty power to attach a husband to 
his wife ; they are the cords of love, the bands of a 
man. In all her personal and domestic habits, her 
first care then, next to that of pleasing God, must be 
to please him, and thus hold to herself that heart, 
which cannot wander from her without carrying her 
happiness with it, and which, when once departed, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



63 



cannot be restored by any power short of omnipo- 
tence itself. 

3. Meekness is especially mentioned by the apos- 
tle Peter, as a disposition which it is the duty of 
ev r ery wife to cultivate. 

He has distinguished and honored this temper by 
calling it the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. 
If there be some virtues, which seem pre-eminently 
to suit the female character, meekness bears a high 
place among such. No one stands in greater need 
of this disposition, than the female head of a family: 
either the petulance and waywardness of children, 
or the neglects and misconduct of servants, or the 
sharp words of a husband, are almost sure, if she . 
be easily provoked, to keep her in a state of irrita- 
tion all the day long. How trying is a peevish wo- 
man, how odious a brawling one. u It is better to 
dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and 
angry woman." The graces were females, says Mr. 
Jay, so were the furies too. It is astonishing the 
influence which meekness has sometimes had in a 
family : it has quenched sparks and even coals of 
anger and strife, which but for this, would have set 
the house on fire : it has mastered the tiger and the 
lion, and led them captive with the silken thread of 
love. The strength of woman lies not in resisting, 
but in yielding ; her power is in her gentleness ; 
there is more of real defence, aye and more of that 
aggressive operation too, which disarms a foe, in 
one mild look, or one soft accent, than in hours of 
flashing glances, and of angry tones. When amidst 
domestic strife she has been enabled to keep her 
temper, the storm has been often scattered as it 
rose ; or her meekness has served as a conductor to 
carry off its dreadful flashes, which otherwise would 
have destroyed the dwelling. 

Put on then, the ornament of a meek and quiet 
spirit. Pay less attention to the decoration of the 
person, more to that of the mind. " Your adorning 



THE FAMILY MONITOR . OR 



is not to be that outward adorning, of plaiting the 
hair and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of 
apparel, but the "hidden man of the heart which is 
not corruptible." The language of another apostle 
on this subject is no less striking. " In like manner 
also, I will that women adorn themselves in modest 
apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety ; not with 
broidered hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array ; 
but which becometh women professing godliness, 
with good works." 1 Tim. ii. 9, 10. Two apostles, 
who both wrote as they were moved by the Holy 
Ghost, in such language as this, have denounced as 
improper, and as unbecoming a profession of godli- 
ness, a taste for immodest, expensive, or decorative 
dress. Surely then, the subject is worthy the most 
serious attention of all christian females. By what 
sophistry can the letter, much more the spirit, of 
•two passages of holy writ, so very plain and express 
in their terms as these, be set aside ? That they are 
set aside, is evident by the appearance of almost 
every congregation into which we could enter on 
the sabbath day, wdiether within or without the es- 
tablishment. The race of folly, one should really 
suppose, is at length almost run, for it does seem 
well nigh impossible, even by the aid of our neigh- 
bors the French, for the women of our age to 
render themselves more supremely ridiculous than 
many of them have lately appeared. What with 
the gaudiness of coloring, and extravagance of 
form, our religious assemblies present every thing 
at once to disgust our taste, and to distress our 
piety. It is high time for the christian teacher to 
call back the women " professing godliness," from 
their wanderings in the regions of fashionable folly, 
to the holy scriptures : for the holy scriptures, it 
should be remembered, have laid down a law for 
regulating the dress of the body as well as that of 
the mind. I do hold then, that these passages of 
scripture are still parts of revelation, and as such, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 65 

still binding upon the conscience : if not, show me 
when they were cancelled. I contend, that christian 
females ought to abstain from expensive, showy, 
and extravagant fashions in dress, jewelry, and all 
kinds of personal decoration. I am not arguing for 
a sectarian costume, for a religious uniform, for ca- 
nonical shapes and colors, nothing of the sort ; but 
for simplicity, neatness, economy; for what the apos- 
tle calls, modest apparel, shamefacedness, and sobri- 
ety ; for the spirit of the passages, if not the very 
letter ; for a distinction between those who profess 
godliness, in their comparative inattention to such 
things, and those, who make no such profession: for 
a proof that their minds are not so much engaged on 
these matters, as the minds of the people of the 
world are. I am not for extinguishing taste; alas, in 
matters of dress, this is already done; but for resist- 
ing the lawless dominion of folly, under the name 
of fashion. I am not for calling back the age of 
gothic barbarism, or vulgarity : no, I will leave am- 
ple room for the cultivation of both taste and genius, 
in every lawful department; but I am protesting 
against the desolating reign of vanity ; I am resist- 
ing the entrance of frivolity into the church of God; 
I am contending against the glaring inconsistency 
of rendering our religious assemblies like the au- 
dience convened in a theatre. The evils of an im- 
proper attention to dress are great and numerous. 
1. Much precious time is wasted in the study, and 
arrangements, and decisions of this matter. 2. The 
attention is taken off from the improvement of the 
mind and the heart, to the decoration of the person. 
3. The mind is filled with pride and vanity, and a 
deteriorating influence is carried on upon what con- 
stitutes the true dignity of the soul. 4. The love 
of display infects the character. 5. Money is wast- 
ed which is wanted for relieving the misery, and im- 
proving the condition of mankind. 6. Examples 
6* 



m 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



are set to the lower classes, in whom the propensity- 
is often mischievous in many ways. 

We have run 
Through ev'ry change that fancy at the loom, 
Exhausted, has had genius to supply ; 
And, studious of mutation still, discard 
A real elegance, a little us'd, 
For monstrous novelty and strange disguise. 
We sacrifice to dress, till household joys 
And comforts cease. Dress drains our cellar dry, 
And keeps our larder lean; puts out our fires; 
And introduces hunger, frost and wo, 
Where peace and hospitality might reign. 

I am aware it might be, and is said, that there 
may be the pride of singularity, as well as of fash- 
ion ; the pride of being covered with sober autumnal 
tints, as well as of exhibiting the brilliant hues of 
the rainbow ; the pride of quality and of texture, as 
well as of color and of form. I know it, and I do 
not justify the one more than I do the other ; I con- 
demn all kinds ; but at any rate, there is a little more 
dignity in one kind, than in another. I will leave 
opportunity for the distinctions of rank, for the in- 
ventions of true taste, and for the modest and unob- 
trusive displays of natural elegance and simple beau- 
ty, but I cannot allow the propriety of christian fe- 
males yielding themselves to the guidance of fash- 
ion, however expensive, extravagant, or gaudy. 

As to the employment of our artisans by the va- 
rious changes of fashion ; I have nothing to do with 
this, in face of an apostolic injunction. The silver- 
smiths who made shrines for the worshippers of Di- 
ana, might have pleaded the same objection against 
the preachers of the gospel, who certainly did, so 
far as they were successful, ruin this trade. I am 
only speaking to professors of religion, who form so 
small a portion of society, that their abstinence from 
folly would do but little in diminishing the employ- 
ment of the work-people ; and if it did, let them 
make it up in some other way. What I contend 
for, then, is not meanness, not ugliness, not unvary- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



67 



ing sameness ; no ; but neatness opposed to gaudi- 
ness ; simplicity and becomingness opposed to ex- 
travagance ; modesty opposed to indelicacy ; econo- 
my opposed to expensiveness. Whether what I 
contend for is characteristic of the age in which 
we live, let any spectator determine. I am anxious 
to see professors of religion displaying a seriousness 
and spirituality, a dignity and sobriety of mind, a 
simplicity of habits, and a sedateness of manners, 
becoming their high and holy profession ; and all 
this, united with an economy in their personal ex- 
penses, which will leave them a greater fund at their 
disposal, for relieving the miseries, and promoting 
the happiness of their fellow-creatures. 

But, perhaps after all, many women may plead 
that the gaiety and expensiveness of their dress, is 
more to please their husbands than themselves : but 
even this must have its limits. And I really pity 
the folly of that man, who concerns himself in the 
arrangement of his wife's wardrobe and toilette ; 
and who would rather see her go forth in all the 
gorgeousness of splendid apparel, to display herself 
in the drawing rooms of her friends, than in digni- 
fied meekness, to visit the cottages of the poor, as 
the messenger of mercy : and who rejoices more to 
contemplate her moving through the circles of fash- 
ion, the admiration of one sex, and the envy of the 
other, than to see her holding on her radiant course 
in s the orbit of benevolence, clad in unexpensive 
simplicity, and with the savings of her personal ex- 
penditure, clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, 
healing the sick ; and thus bringing upon herself the 
blessings of him that was ready to perish, and caus- 
ing the widow's heart to sing for joy. 

Not only the ornament, but the person which it 
adorns, is corruptible. Accidents may distort the 
finest form, diseases fade the loveliest coloring, time 
disfigure the smoothest surface, and death, the spoil- 
er of beauty, work a change so awful and appalling, 



68 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



as to turn away the most impassioned admirers in 
disgust. How soon will every other dress be dis- 
placed by the shroud, and every other decoration 
be stripped off to make way for the flowers that are 
strewed in the coffin upon the corpse, as if to hide 
the deformity of death. But the graces of the heart, 
and the beauties of the character, are imperishable; 
such let a wife be continually seeking to put on ; 
" for she that has a wise husband, must entice him 
to an eternal dearness, by the veil of modesty, and 
the robes of chastity, the ornaments of meekness, 
and the jewels of faith and charity ; she must have 
no paint but blushings ; her brightness must be her 
purity, and she must shine round about with sweet- 
nesses and friendship, and then she shall be pleas- 
ant while she lives, and desired when she dies." 

5. Economy and Order in the management of her 
personal and domestic expenditure, is the obvious 
duty of a wife. 

You are to preside in the direction of household 
affairs ; and much of the prosperity and comfort of 
the little community will depend upon your skilful 
and prudent arrangements. There is a manifest 
disposition in this age, in all classes of society, to 
come as close as possible to the habits of those 
above them. The poor are imitating the middling 
classes, and they are copying the upper ranks. A 
showy, luxurious, and expensive taste is almost uni- 
versally cherished, and is displayed in innumerable 
instances, where there are no means to support it. 
A large house, a country residence, splendid furni- 
ture, a carriage, a retinue of servants, and large 
parties, are the aim of many, whose creditors pay for 
all. Christian families are in most imminent peril 
of worldly conformity in the present day ; and the 
line of demarcation between the church and the 
world is fast wearing out. It is true they have no 
cards, they do not frequent the theatre, or the ball 
room, and perhaps they have no midnight routs ; 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 69 



— but this is all : for many are as anxious about the 
splendor of their furniture, the fashion of their 
habits, the expensiveness of their entertainments, 
as the veriest worldling can be. Now a wife has 
great influence in checking or promoting all this. 
It has been thought that this increasing disposition 
for domestic shew and gaiety, is to be attributed 
chiefly to female vanity. It is woman that is gen- 
erally regarded as the presiding genius of such a 
scene : she receives the praise and the compliment 
of the whole, and she therefore is under the strong- 
est temptation to promote it. But let her consider, 
how little all this has to do with the happiness of 
the family, even in its most prosperous state ; and 
how a recollection of it aggravates the misery of 
adversity, when a reverse takes place. Then to be 
found in debt for finery of dress, or furniture ; then to 
have it said that her extravagance helped to ruin her 
husband ; then to want that, for bread, which was 
formerly wasted on luxury ; then to hear the whis- 
pered reproach of having injured others by her own 
thoughtless expenditure! — Avoid, my female friends, 
these miseries ; do not go on to prepare wormwood 
and gall to embitter still more the already bitter cup 
of adversity. Endeavor to acquire a skilfulness in 
domestic management, a frugality, a prudence, a 
love of order and neatness, a mid-way course be- 
tween meanness and luxury, a suitableness to your 
station in life, to your christian profession ; an 
economy which shall leave you more to spare for 
the cause of God, and the miseries of man. Rather 
check than stimulate the taste of your husband for 
expense ; tell him that it is not necessary for your 
happiness, nor for the comfort of the family ; draw 
him away from these adventitious circumstances, to 
the mental improvement, the moral culture, the re- 
ligious instruction of your children. Let knowl- 
edge, piety, good sense, well-formed habits, har- 
mony, mutual love, be the sources of your domestic 



70 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



pleasures : what is splendor of furniture, or dress, 
or entertainments, to these ? 

6. A wife should be most attentive to all 

THAT CONCERNS THE WELFARE AND COMFORT OF 

the children, if there be any. 

For this purpose, she must be a keeper at home. — 
<c That they may teach the young wives to be sober, 
to love their husbands, to love their children, to be 
discreet, chaste, keepers at home." And how can 
the duties that devolve upon the female head of a 
family, be well discharged if she be not a keeper at 
home ? — On this I have dwelt already in a former 
chapter, but its importance will justify my returning 
to the subject again. How much has she to attend to, 
how many cares to sustain, how many activities to 
support, where there is a young family ? Whoever 
has leisure for gossipping, she has none : whoever 
may be found wandering from house to house, 
".hearing or telling some new thing," she must not. 
A mother's place is in the midst of her family ; a 
mother's duties are to take care of them. Nothing 
can excuse a neglect of these : and yet we often see 
such neglect. Some are literary characters, and the 
welfare of the household is neglected for books. 
Not that I would debar a female from the luxury of 
reading, nor sink her to a mere domestic drudge, 
whose ceaseless toils must have no intermission, or 
solace from literature ; far from it : but her taste for 
literature must be kept within due bounds, and not 
be allowed to interfere with her household duties. 
No husband can be pleased to see a book in the 
hands of a wife, while the house is in confusion, 
and the children's comfort unprovided for. Much 
less should a taste for company be allowed to draw 
a wife too much out of the circle of her cares and 
duties. To be wandering from house to house in 
the morning, or to be engaged till a late hour, even- 
ing after evening, at a party, while the family at 
home are left to themselves, or to the care of ser- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPNESS, 



71 



vants, is certainly disgraceful. Even attention to 
the public duties of religion must be regulated by a 
due regard to domestic claims. I am aware that 
many arc apt to make these claims an excuse for 
neglecting the public means of grace almost en- 
tirely : the house of God is unfrequented ; sermons, 
sacramental seasons, and all other religious meet- 
ings, are given up, for an absorbing attention to 
household affairs. This is one extreme ; and the 
other is, such a devotedness to religious meetings, 
that the wants of a sick family, the cries of a hun- 
gry infant, or the circumstances of some extraor- 
dinary case of family care, are not allowed to have 
any force in detaining a mother from a week-day 
sermon, a prayer meeting, or the anniversary of 
some public institution. It is no honor to religion, 
for a wife, under such circumstances, to be seen in 
the house of God : duties cannot be in opposition to 
each other ; and at such a time, her's lie at home. 
It must be always distressing, and in some cases 
disgusting, for a husband on his returning to a scene 
of domestic confusion, and seeing a neglected child 
in the cot, to be told upon inquiring after the moth- 
er, that she is attending a sermon, or a public meet- 
ing. There is great need for watchfulness in the 
present age, when female agency is in such requi- 
sition, lest attention to public institutions should 
most injuriously interfere with the duties of a wife 
and a mother. I know very well, that an active 
woman, may, by habits of order, punctuality, and 
despatch, so arrange her more direct and immediate 
duties at home, as to allow of sufficient leisure to 
assist the noble societies which solicit her patron- 
age, without neglecting her husband and children : 
but where this cannot be done, no society, whether 
humane or religious, should be allowed to take her 
away from what is, after all, her first and more ap- 
propriate sphere. She must be a keeper at Ziowc, if 
any thing there demands her presence. 



72 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Such appear to me to be the leading duties of a 
wife. Motives of a very high and sacred character 
may be offered for a diligent performance of them. 
Her oxm comfort, and that of her husband, is of 
course, most vitally connected with a fulfilment of 
her obligations : and the welfare of her children is 
also deeply involved. And then, her character shines 
forth with peculiar lustre. A good wife is. a high- 
attainment in female excellence ; it is woman in her 
brightest glory since the fall. But there is one con- 
sideration of supreme importance mentioned by the 
apostle, to which I shall direct your attention. — 
" Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own 
husbands, that if any obey not the word, they also 
may without the word be won by the conversation 
of the wives, while they behold your chaste conver- 
sation, coupled with fear." Powerful and yet tender 
consideration ! Mark, my female friends, the im- 
plied eulogy passed by the apostle on your sex, 
where he seems to take it for granted, that if one 
party be destitute of religion, it is the husband. 
And facts prove that this assumption was correct. 
Religion flourishes most amongst the female part 
of our species : in our congregations, and in our 
churches, the greater number is of them. Can we 
account for this by natural causes ? Partly. They 
are more at home, and therefore more within reach 
of the means of grace ; — they are more susceptible; 
— they are less exposed to those temptations that 
harden the heart through the deceitfulness of sin ; 
they are subject to more affliction, which softens 
the heart, and prepares it for the seed of the king- 
dom ; — but all this is not enough; for without grace, 
all these advantages are unavailing : we must resolve 
it therefore into divine purpose, divine interposition, 
and the arrangements of divine wisdom. Female in- 
fluence in all civilized states is great ; and God has 
generally made much use of this wherever the gospel 
has come, as one of the means for spreading relig- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



73 



ion. He pours his grace on them, that their influ- 
ence may be employed with others, especially their 
husbands and their children. If then, in any case, 
a christian woman be united to an unconverted man, 
she must cherish and display a deep, and tender, 
and judicious solicitude for his salvation : and "what 
knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy 
husband." I would not encourage unequal mar- 
riages : I would not have the single try the doubt- 
ful and dangerous experiment, of marrying an irre- 
ligious man, in the hope of converting him ; in such 
cases the conversion is often the other way ; but 
where the union is formed, there I say, nourish the 
anxiety, and employ every discreet exertion for his 
eternal welfare. Many instances have occurred, in 
which the unbelieving husband, has been sanctified 
by the wife. She has drawn him with the cords of 
a tender and judicious love, to a consideration of 
the subject of personal religion Think of the value 
of a soul, and of the ineffable glory of being the 
instrument of its salvation. But 0 ! to be the 
means of saving the soul of a husband ! Think how 
it will strengthen the bond, and sanctify and sweeten 
it, which unites you on earth and in time ; and at 
the same time add to it a tie, by which you shall 
" not lose one another in the valley of the shadow 
of death," but be re-united as kindred spirits, though 
not as man and wife, in heaven, and through eter- 
nity. " Think, 0 wife, of the happiness — the honor 
that awaits you. What is the triumph you have ac- 
quired over him by your charms, compared with the 
victory you will obtain over him by your religion ? 
— What pleasure will attend you the remainder of 
your days — now you are of " one heart and one 
mind;" now you " take sweet counsel together." 
The privileged language of prayer now is, — " Our 
Father :" — of every motion made to go and seek 
the Lord of hosts there is a ready acceptance — " I 
will go also." And what will be your joy and crown 



74 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



of rejoicing in that day, when before assembled men 
and angels, he will say, 0 blessed be the Provi- 
dence which attached us in yonder world and has 
still more perfectly united us in this. The woman 
thou gavest to be with me, led me not to the tree 
of knowledge o f good arW ^vjl^Jwt to the tree of 
life which is in - tn£ ~iiiidtfflfl|. the paradise of Gqd. # 

But howls'this solicitude to°be employed ? The 
apostle tells us : " that they may.be wonl^ the con- 
versation of their wives, while they behold your 
chaste conversation, coupled with fear." TouVre- 
ligion must be seen embodied in your wlij^fe^JjLar^ 
acter and conduct. It must commend itself to their 
judgment, by what they perceive, as sincere. It 
must be consistent ; for a want of uniformity, how- 
ever earnest it may in many respects and at many 
times appear, will produce disgust. You must " let 
your light shine before them, that they seeing your 
good works, may glorify God." You must ever 
appear invested with all the beauty of a lovely ex- 
ample, which, silent though you be as it respects 
your tongue, is living eloquence. Your religion 
must diffuse its lustre over your whole character, 
and impress itself most deeply on your relation as 
a wife, and a mother : it must be a new motive to 
all that respect, and reverence, and devotedness, and 
meekness, which have been laid before you, and it 
must lead you to carry every conjugal and maternal 
virtue to the highest degree of perfection. It must 
be attended with the most profound humility, for if 
there be any spiritual pride, any conscious and man- 
ifest sense of superiority, any thing approaching to 
the pharisaic temper, which says, " stand by, I am 
holier than thou," any thing like contempt of your 
husband, as an unconverted sinner, you will excite 
an inveterate prejudice, not only against religion, 
but against yourself; religion will be hated by him 

*Mr. Jay. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



75 



for your sake, and you for religion's sake. When 
you venture to speak to him on the subject of piety, 
it should be as remotely as possible from all lec- 
turing, all dictation, all reproach, all conscious su- 
periority ; and with all possible tenderness, meek- 
ness, humility ,.-3?*el persuasive effect i o iwNeveTTal k 
to him of his state be and never talk at 

Nor ifrit Ttkely to a c c o m p 1 i s h I he 'o b j £c t you 
have in view7~trr-weary him by continual impor- 
tunity. Many ilefeat their own end, by an inces- 
sant introduction of the subject, and sometimes 
withr an asperity which increases the revulsion, 
which its own nature is calculated, in such a mind, 
to produce. An occasional hint, and that of the 
most tender, respectful, and delicate kind, is all 
that you should attempt, and then leave your exam- 
ple to speak. Occasionally, you may put an in- 
structive volume in his way, and solicit his perusal 
of it. Do not bring your religious friends too much 
about you, so as to annoy him ; especially, keep 
away as much as possible, any that may have a less 
portion of discretion than the rest ; and confine your- 
self to the more judicious and best informed. Never 
rudely interfere with his pursuits, his reading, or 
his company, although they may not be what you 
can cordially approve. Till he is enlightened from 
above, he will not see the evil of these things, and 
to attempt to interrupt him, in any other way, than 
by the mildest and most respectful expostulation, 
will only do harm. Should he wish to draw you 
from the high pursuit of eternal life, you are not, 
of course, in this case, to yield to his persuasion, 
nor in any thing to concede, where your conscience 
is decidedly concerned in the matter. You must 
be firm, but mild. One concession granted by you, 
would only lead to another. But still, even in this 
extremity, your resistance of his attempts to inter- 
fere with your religion, must be maintained in all the 
meekness of wisdom, and must be attended with 



7§ 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



fresh efforts to please, in all things which are law- 
ful. If such a line of conduct should subject you 
to reproach, anger, and persecution, a most pain- 
ful and by no means an uncommon case, you must 
possess your soul in patience, and commit your way 
to Him that judgeth righteously. Many a perse- 
cuting husband, has been subdued, if not to relig- 
ion, yet to kinder conduct, by the meek and un- 
complaining temper of his wife. 

To conclude. Let us all seek after more of the 
spirit of true religion, — the spirit of faith, of hope, 
of prayer : a faith, that really believes the word of 
God, and looketh habitually to the cross of Christ 
by which we obtain salvation, and to the eternal 
world where we shall fully and for ever enjoy it : a 
hope that lives in the expectation and desire of 
glory, honor, immortality, and eternal life : and a 
spirit of prayer which leads us daily and hourly to 
the throne of divine grace, for all that aid of the 
Holy Ghost, which we need, not only for the duties 
that refer to our relations to another world, but for 
those which devolve upon us, in consequence of our 
relation in this. " Godliness is profitable for all 
things, having the promise of the life that now is, 
as well as of that which is to come." The same 
principle of divine grace which unites us to God, 
will bind us closer to each other. Religion con- 
tains in it, not only the seeds of immortal virtues, 
but of such as are mortal : not only the germs of 
excellencies which are to flourish in the temple of 
heaven, but which grow up in the house of our pil- 
grimage upon earth, to enliven with their beauty, 
and to refresh with their fragrance, the domestic 
circle. A good christian cannot be a bad husband, 
or father ; and other things being equal, he who 
has most piety, will shine most in all the relations 
of life. A Bible placed between man and wife as 
the basis of their union, the rule of their conduct, 
and the model of their spirit, will make up many a 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



77 



difference, comfort them under many a cross, guide 
them in many a strait, wherein flesh and blood will 
be confounded and at a loss, support them in their 
last sad parting from each other, and re-unite them 
in the world where they shall go no more out. 

" Those married pairs that live, as remembering 
that they must part again, and give an account how 
they treat themselves and each other, shall at the 
day of their death, be admitted to glorious espous- 
als ; and when they shall live again, be married to 
their Lord, and partake of his glories. All those 
things that now please us, shall pass from us, or we 
from them ; but those things that concern the other 
life, are permanent as the numbers of eternity : and 
although at the resurrection, there shall be no rela- 
tion of husband and wife, and no marriage shall be 
celebrated but the marriage of the Lamb, yet then 
shall be remembered how men and women passed 
through this state, which is a type of that ; and from 
this sacramental union, all holy pairs shall pass to 
the spiritual and eternal, where love shall be their 
portion, and joys shall crown their heads, and they 
shall lie in the bosom of Jesus, and in the heart of 
God to eternal ages." Amen. 



CHAPTER III. 



SOME REMARKS ON THE FORMATION OF THE MARRIAGE 
UNION. 

I" Methinks it is a misfortune that the marriage state, which in its own 
nature is adapted to give us the completest happiness this life is capable 
of, should be so uncomfortable a one to so many as it daily proves. But 
the mischief generally proceeds from the unwise choice people make for 
themselves, and an expectation of happiness from things incapable of giv- 
ing it. Nothing but the good qualities of the person beloved, can be a 
foundation for a love of judgment and discretion ; and whoever expects 
happiness from any thing but virtue, wisdom, good humor, and a simili- 
tude of manners, will find themselves widely mistaken." Spectator. 

The preceding chapters make it evident, that mar- 
riage is a step of incalculable importance, and ought 
never to be taken without the greatest consideration 
and the utmost caution. If the duties of this state 
are so numerous and so weighty, and if the right 
discharge of these obligations, as well as the happi- 
ness of our whole life, and even our safety for eter- 
nity, depends, as they necessarily must do, in no 
small measure upon the choice we make of a hus- 
band or wife, then let reason determine, with what 
deliberation we should advance to such a connexion. 
It is obvious, that no decision of our whole earthly 
existence requires more of the exercise of a calm 
judgment than this, and yet observation proves how 
rarely the judgment is allowed to give counsel, and 
how generally the imagination and the passions set- 
tle the business. A very great portion of the mis- 
ery and of the crime with which society is depraved 
and afflicted, is the result of ill-formed marriages. 
If mere passion without prudence, or covetousness 
without love, be allowed to guide the choice, no 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 79 



wonder that it is improperly clone, or that it is highly- 
disastrous in its consequences ; and how often are 
passion and covetousness alone consulted. To use 
the beautiful language quoted by me in another 
work, where I have treated briefly the subject of this 
chapter, I would remark, " that they who enter the 
marriage state, cast a die of the greatest contingen- 
cy, and yet of the greatest interest in the world, 
next to the last throw for eternity. Life or death, 
felicity or a lasting sorrow, are in the power of mar- 
riage. A woman indeed ventures most, for she 
hath no sanctuary to retire to, from an evil husband; 
she must dwell upon her sorrow, which her own 
folly hath produced ; and she is more under it, be- 
cause her tormentor hath warrant of prerogative, 
and the woman may complain to God, as subjects 
do of tyrant princes, but otherwise she hath no 
appeal in the causes of unkindness. And though 
the man can run from many hours of sadness, yet 
he must return to it again ; and when he sits among 
his neighbors, he remembers the objection that lies 
in his bosom, and he sighs deeply." If however, it 
were merely the comfort of the married pair them- 
selves, that was concerned, it would be a matter 
of less consequence, a stake of less value ; but 
the well being of a family, not only for this 
world, but for the next ; and equally so the well 
being of their descendants, even to a remote 
period, depends upon this union. In the ardor of 
passion, few are disposed to listen to the counsels 
of prudence ; and perhaps there is no advice, gen- 
erally speaking, more thrown away, than that which 
is offered on the subject of. marriage. Most per- 
sons, especially if they are already attached to a 
selected object, even though they have not com- 
mitted themselves by a promise or even a declara- 
tion, will go on in the pursuit, blinded by love to 
the indiscretion of their choice ; or desperately de- 
termined, with the knowledge of that indiscretion, 



80 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



to accomplish, if possible, their purpose. Upon 
such individuals, reasoning is wasted, and they must 
be left to gain wisdom in the only way, by which 
some will acquire it, painful experience. To others 
who may be yet disengaged, and disposed to hearken 
to the language of advice, the following remarks 
are offered. — 

In the affair of marriage, be guided by the 
advice of parents or guardians. Parents have 
no right to select for you, nor ought you to select 
for yourself, without consulting with them. How 
far they are vested with authority to prohibit you 
from marrying a person whom they disapprove, is a 
point of casuistry, very difficult to determine. If 
you are of age, and able to provide for yourselves, 
or are likely to be well provided for by those to 
whom you are about to be united, is a question 
whether they can do any thing more than advise 
and persuade ; but till you are of age, they have pos- 
itive authority to forbid : and it is an undutiful act 
in you, to form connexions without their knowl- 
edge, and to carry them on against their prohibitions. 
Their objections ought always, I admit, to be found- 
ed on reason, and not on caprice, pride, or cupidity; 
for where this is the case, and children are of full 
age, and are guided in their choice by prudence, by 
piety, and by affection, they certainly may and must 
be left to decide for themselves. Where, however, 
parents rest their objections on sufficient grounds, 
and shew plain and palpable reasons for prohibiting 
a connexion, there it is the manifest duty, of sons * 
and especially of daughters, to give it up. A union 
formed in opposition to the reasonable objection of 
a discreet father or mother is very rarely a happy 
one ; and the bitter cup is rendered additionally bit- 
ter in such a case, by the wormwood and gall of 
self reproach. What miseries of this kind have we 
all seen ! How many beacons are set up, if young 
people would but look at them, to warn them 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



SI 



against the folly of giving themselves to the impulse 
of an imprudent attachment, and following it to a 
close, against the advice, remonstrances, and pro- 
hibitions of their parents. Very seldom does that 
connexion prove otherwise than a source of wretch- 
edness, on which the frown of an affectionate and 
wise father and mother fell from the beginning ; for 
God seems to rise up in judgment, and to support 
the parent's authority, by confirming their displeas- 
ure with his own. 

Marriage should in every case be formed upon 

THE BASIS OF MUTUAL ATTACHMENT. If there be llO 

love before marriage, it cannot be expected there 
should be any after it. Lovers, as all are supposed 
to be who are looking forward to this union, without 
love, have no right to expect happiness ; the cold- 
ness of indifference is soon likely, in their case, to 
be changed into aversion. There ought to be per- 
sonal attachment. If there be any thing, even in 
the exterior, that excites disgust, the banns are for- 
bidden by the voice of nature. I do not say, that 
beauty of countenance, or elegance of form, is ne- 
cessary ; by no means ; a pure and strong attach- 
ment, has often existed in the absence of these ; 
and I will not take upon me to determine, that it is 
absolutely impossible to love deformity, but we cer- 
tainly ought not to unite ourselves with it, unless 
we can love it ; or at least, are so enamored with 
the fascination of mental qualities that may be unit- 
ed with it, as to lose sight of the body in the charms 
of the mind, the heart, and the manners. Ail I con- 
tend for, is that to proceed to marriage against ab- 
solute dislike and revulsion, is irrational, base, and 
sinful. 

But love should respect the mind as well as the 
body ; for to be attached to an individual simply on 
the ground of beauty, is to fall in love with a doll, 
a statue, or a picture ; such an attachment is lust or 
fancy, but certainly not a rational affection. If we 



83 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



love the body, but do not love the mind, the heart, 
and the manners, our regard is placed upon the in- 
ferior part of the person, and therefore, only upon 
that which by disease, may be next year a very dif- 
ferent thing to what it is now. Nothing fades so 
soon as beauty ; it is but like the delicate bloom of 
an attractive fruit, and if there be nothing agreea- 
ble underneath, will be thrown away in disgust 
when that is brushed off ; and thrown away, too, by 
the very hand of him that plucks it. It is so com- 
monly remarked, as to be proverbial, that the charms 
of mind increase by acquaintance, while those of the 
exterior diminish : and that while the former easily 
reconcile us to a plain countenance, the latter ex- 
cite, by the power of contrast, a distaste for the in- 
sipidity, ignorance, and heartlessness with which 
they are united, like gaudy, scentless flowers grow- 
ing in a desert. Instead of determining to stake 
our happiness upon the act of gathering these 
blooming weeds, to place them in our bosom, let 
us ask, how they will look a few years hence, or 
how they will adorn and bless our habitation ? Let 
us ask, will the understanding, united with that 
countenance, render its subject fit to be my com- 
panion, and the instructer of my children ? Will 
that temper patiently bear with my weaknesses, 
kindly consult my tastes, affectionately study my 
comfort ? Will those manners please me in solitude, 
as well as in society ? Will those habits render my 
dwelling pleasant to myself and to my friends ? We 
must try these matters, and hold our passions back, 
that we may take counsel with our judgment, and 
suffer reason to come down and talk with us in the 
cool of the evening. 

Such then, is the love on which marriage should 
be contracted, love to the whole person ; love to the 
mind, and heart, and manners, as well as to the 
countenance and form; love tempered with respect; 
for this only is the attachment that is likely to sur- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. §3 



vive the charms of novelty, the spoliations of dis- 
ease, and the influence of time ; that is likely to 
support the tender sympathies and exquisite sensi- 
bilities of the conjugal state ; and render man and 
wife to the verge of extreme old age, what it was 
the intention of him, who instituted the marriage 
union, they should be, — the help and the comfort 
of each other. 

By what language then, sufficiently strong and 
indignant, can we reprobate those compacts, so dis- 
graceful, and yet so common, by which marriage is 
converted into a money speculation, a trading enter- 
prise, a mere business of pounds, shillings and pence ? 
How cruel a part do those parents act, who for the 
sake of an advantageous settlement, urge their daugh- 
ters into a union, from which their hearts revolt; or 
persuade their sons to marry women, towards whom 
they feel no affection, merely for the sake of a for- 
tune ! Unnatural fathers and mothers ! is it thus ye 
would lead your children, decorated as sacrifices, to 
the shrine of Mammon, and act the part of priests 
and priestesses yourselves, in the immolation of these 
hapless victims ! ! What, will you assist in the rites 
of this legal prostitution ? Can none others be found 
but you, the natural guardians of your childrens' 
interest, to persuade them to sell their persons, and 
barter all the happiness of their future lives for 
gold ? Will you make yourselves responsible for all 
the future miseries of your children, and your chil- 
dren's children, by recommending such a sordid 
compact ? Forbear, I entreat you, for your own 
sake, for your children's sake, and for the sake of so- 
ciety, to recommend a marriage, which is not found- 
ed on pure, and strong, and mutual attachment. 

Young people themselves, should be extremely 
careful on their own part, to let no persuasions of 
others, no impulse of their own covetousness, no 
anxiety to be their own masters and mistresses, no 
ambition for secular splendor, induce them to' en- 



84 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ter into a connexion, to which they are not drawn 
by the solicitations of a pure and virtuous love. 
What will a large house, splendid furniture, a gay 
equipage, and fashionable entertainments do for their 
possessor, in the absence of connubial love ? " Is it 
for these baubles, these toys," exclaims the wretch- 
ed heart as it awakens, alas ! too late, in some sad 
scene of domestic wo, " is it for this I have bartered 
away myself, my happiness, my honor ? 

" How ill the scenes that offer rest, 
And heart that cannot rest agree." 

0 there is a sweetness, a charm, a power to please, 
in pure and mutual affection, though it be cherished 
in the humblest abode, and maintained amidst the 
plainest circumstances, and has to contend with 
many difficulties, compared with which, the elegan- 
cies and brilliancies of worldly grandeur, are but as 
the splendor of an eastern palace, to one of the 
bowers of the garden of Eden. Let the man nobly 
determine to earn his daily bread by the sweat of 
his brow, and find his daily task sweetened by the 
thought that it is for the woman he loves, rather 
than roll about in his chariot, and live a life of 
splendid indolence and misery, with the woman he 
does not love : and let the other sex, as nobly and 
heroically determine to trust to their own energies, 
but especially to a gracious providence, rather than 
marry without affection, for the sake of a settlement. 

Then there is another error committed by some : 
having been disappointed in a connexion which they 
hoped to form, they become reckless for the future, 
and in a temper of mind bordering upon revenge, 
accept the first individual who may present himself, 
whether they love him or not. This is the last de- 
gree of folly, and is such an act of suicidal violence 
upon her own peace, as can neither be described 
nor reprobated in terms sufficiently strong. This is 
to act like the enraged scorpion, and to turn their 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



sting upon themselves ; and in an act of spleen to sac- 
rifice their happiness to folly. And in fact, on whom 
does this mad spite fall ? Upon the individual who 
has done them no harm, but that of attempting to 
heal the breach that has been made in their happi- 
ness, and to whom in return they carry a heart, 
which they have virtually given to another. How 
much more rational, how much more conducive to 
their own comfort, and how much more honorable 
is it in a case like this, to wait till time, and piety 
have healed the wound, and left the heart at liberty 
for another attachment ; and even to remain in per- 
petual celibacy, rather than marry without that 
which alone can constitute a virtuous marriage, — 
sincere affection. 

Marriage should ever be contracted, with the 

STRICTEST REGARD TO THE RULES OF PRUDENCE. Dis- 
cretion is a virtue, at which none but fools laugh. 
In reference to no subject is it more frequently set 
aside and despised, than in that, which of all that 
can be mentioned, most needs its sober counsels. 
For love to be seen standing at the oracle of wis- 
dom, is thought by some romantic and silly young 
people, to be a thing altogether out of place. If 
they only were concerned, they might be left to their 
folly, to be punished by its fruits : but imprudent 
marriages, as we have already considered, spread 
far and wide their bad consequences, and also send 
these consequences down to posterity. The under- 
standing is given to us to control the passions and 
the imagination, and they, who in an affair of such 
consequence, as choosing a companion for life, set 
aside the testimony of the former, and listen only 
to the advice of the latter, have in that instance, at 
least, forfeited the character of a rational being, 
and sunk to the level of those creatures, who are 
wholly governed by appetite, unchecked by reason. 
Prudence would prevent, if it were allowed to guide 
the conduct of mankind, a very large portion of hu- 
8 



86 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



man misery. In the business before us it would al- 
low none to marry till they had a prospect of sup- 
port. It is perfectly obvious to me, that the present 
generation of young people, are not distinguished 
by a discretion of this kind : they are too much in 
haste to enter the conjugal state, and place them- 
selves at the heads of families, before they have any 
rational hope of being able to support them. As 
soon almost as they arrive at the age of manhood, 
whether they are in business or not, before they 
have ascertained whether their business will succeed 
or not, they look round for a wife, and make a hasty, 
perhaps an injudicious selection. A family comes 
on before they have adequate means of maintaining 
it ; their affairs become embarrassed ; bankruptcy 
ensues ; their prospects are clouded for ever ; they 
become burdens upon their friends ; and their mis- 
ery, together with that of the partner of their folly, 
and of their hapless children, is sealed for the term 
of their existence upon earth. How many instances 
of this kind have we known, and which may be 
considered as sad, and true, and impressive, com- 
ments on the imprudence of improvident marriages. 
Let young people exercise their reason and their 
foresight , or if they will not, but are determined to 
rush into the expences of housekeeping, before they 
have opened sources to meet them, let them hear, in 
spite of the syren song of their imagination, the 
voice of faithful warning, and prepare to eat the 
bitter herbs of useless regrets, for many a long and 
weary year after the nuptial feast has passed away. 

Prudence forbids all unequal marriages. There 
should be an equality as near as may be in age ; 
u for," says Mr. Jay, "how unnatural, how indecent, 
is it to see an old man surrounded with infants and 
babes, when he can scarcely see or hear for the in- 
firmities of age ! How unnatural, how odious is it, 
to see a young man fastened to a piece of antiquity, 
so as to perplex strangers to determine, whether he 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. §7 



is living with a wife or a mother." No one will 
give the woman in the one case, or the man in the 
other, the credit of marrying for love; and the world 
will be ill-natured enough, and one can hardly help 
joining in the censoriousness, to say that such 
matches are mere pecuniary speculations ; for gen- 
erally speaking, the old party in the union, is a rich 
one ; and as generally, they carry a scourge for the 
other in their purse. A fortune has often thus been 
a misfortune for both. 

Equality of rank is desirable, or as near to it as 
possible. Instances have occurred, in which re- 
spectable men have married servants, and yet main- 
tained their respectability, and enjoyed a full cup of 
domestic comfort : but these cases are rare, and 
generally contain some circumstances of peculiarity. 
And it is much less perilous for a rich man to de- 
scend into the vale of poverty for a wife, than it is 
for a rich woman to go down for a husband. He can 
much more easily raise his companion to his own 
level, than she can. Society will much more readily 
accommodate themselves to his error, than to hers. 
Much of the happiness of the conjugal state, de- 
pends upon the relatives of the parties, and if the 
marriage has offended them, if it has degraded 
them, how much of bitterness is it in their power to 
throw into the cup of enjoyment. Many a wife has 
carried to her grave, the sting inflicted upon her 
peace, by the insults of her husband's friends : and in 
all such cases, he must receive a part of the venom. 

u It has been said, that no class of men err so 
much in this article, as ministers. But surely this 
cannot be admitted. It cannot be supposed that 
those whose office it is to inculcate prudence, should 
themselves be proverbial for indiscretion. It cannot 
be supposed that those whose incomes are limited, 
and whose circumstances demand economy, would 
bring into the management of them, those who have 
been trained up in delicacy and extravagance ; and 



THE FAMILY MONITOR r OR 



are helpless and profuse. It cannot be supposed, 
that men, whose office is respectable, and produc- 
tive of social intercourse, would select vulgarity and 
ignorance, unfit to be either seen or heard, merely 
because it is pious. A minister is to inculcate or- 
der and regularity ; and would he marry a female 
that would render his house a scene of confusion 
and tumult ? A minister is to show how the claims 
of life and religion harmonize, and to assign to the 
duties of each, their own place and season ; and 
would he marry a rattle-brain, who, instead of be- 
ing a keeper at home, has been always rambling 
after some new preacher ; who, instead of quietly 
glorifying God in her own sphere of action, has 
been endeavoring to excite public attention ; who 
has been zealous in matters of doubtful disputation, 
but has treated as beneath her regard, matters of 
common and relative obligations ? Need he be told, 
that a becoming behavior in a lower and private 
station, is the surest pledge of, and the best prepar- 
ation for a proper behavior in a higher and more 
public situation ! A minister is to recommend neat- 
ness, and all the decencies of life, and would he 
marry a slattern ? A minister is to show, that the 
ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, is in the sight 
of God, of great price, and would he marry a scold? 
A minister is to stand in the same relation to all his 
people, who demand his love and service, and would 
he marry a female who would fondly attach herself 
to a few cronies, listen to all their secrets, and di- 
vulge her cion, and form cabals and schisms, which 
will render his residence unpleasant, or occasion 
his removal ? 

To my brethren in the ministry I do recommend, 
and recommend with an earnestness which I have 
no language sufficiently emphatic to express, the 
greatest caution in this most delicate and important 
affair. In their case, the effects of an imprudent 
marriage are felt in the church of the living God. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



If the wives of the deacons, are to be "grave, not 
slanderers, sober, faithful, in all things," what less 
can be required of the wives of the pastors ? u A 
bishop must be blameless, one that ruleth well his 
own house, having his children in subjection with all 
gravity. For if a man know not how to rule his 
own house, how shall he take care of the church of 
God." But how can he exhibit in his domestic con- 
stitution, the beautiful order and harmony which 
should prevail in every christian family, and espe- 
cially in every minister 's house, without the intelli- 
gent and industrious co-operation of his wife : and 
how can this be expected of one who has no intelli- 
gence, or industry ? Not only much of the comfort, 
but of the character of a minister, depends upon 
his wife ; and what is of still greater consequence, 
much of his usefulness. How many have been 
driven away from scenes of successful labor, or ren- 
dered uncomfortable in the midst of them, by the 
mismanagement of wives, who have plunged their 
husbands into debt, and thus blasted their respect- 
ability ; or by that pride, petulance, vulgarity, 
meanness, and busy interference, by which they 
have involved them in perpetual strife, with their 
neighbors, tradesmen, or their congregation ! con- 
sidering, therefore, how much mischief may be done 
by their indiscretion, ministers should raise impru- 
dence in marriage to the rank of a great sin. And 
then their guilt in the commission of this sin is the 
greater as they have less excuse for it than others ; 
for they have only to exercise patience, and to re- 
strain themselves from hasty and injudicious en- 
tanglements, and to avail themselves of the extended 
opportunity which their situation gives them, to ob- 
tain a companion, that shall be to them, both as men 
and ministers, a helper of their joy. Some widowers 
in selecting a second wife have consulted their 
children's comfort more than their own taste; wheth- 
er this be right or wrong in their case, we shall 



90 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



presently consider ; but certainly, a minister while 
he is allowed the usual privilege of following his 
own predilections, ought never to gratify his taste 
at the expense of his official respectability, or at 
the risk of his usefulness, but in the choice of a 
wife, should be guided by a view to the comfort of 
his church, as well as by a reference to his own 
happiness. 

Marriage should always be formed, with a due 

REGARD TO THE DICTATES OF RELIGION. A pioUS 

person should not marry any one who is not also 
pious. It is not desirable to be united to an indi- 
vidual even of a different denomination, and who, 
as a point of conscience, attends her own place of 
worship. It is not pleasant on a sabbath morning 
to separate, and go one to one place of worship, and 
the other to another. The most delightful walk 
that a holy couple can take, is to the house of God 
in company, and when, in reference to the high 
themes of redemption and the invisible realites of 
eternity, they take sweet counsel together. No one 
would willingly lose this. But oh to walk separately 
in a still more important and dreadful sense ! To 
part at the point where the two roads to eternity 
branch off, the one to heaven the other to hell ; and 
for the believer "to travel on to glory, with the 
dreadful consciousness, that the other party is jour- 
neying to perdition !! This is indeed dreadful, and 
is of itself sufficient to occasion no small diminution 
of conjugal felicity. If however, the comfort of the 
parties only were concerned, it would be a matter of 
less consequence : but it is a matter of conscience, 
and an affair in which we have no option. " She is 
at liberty to marry whom she will" says the apostle, 
speaking to the case of a widow, "but only in the 
Lord." Now though this was said in reference to 
a female, all the reasons of the law belong with 
equal force to the other sex. This appears to me 
to be not only advice but law, and is as binding up- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS, 



91 



on the conscience as any other law that we find in 
the word of God ; and the incidental manner in 
which this injunction occurs, is, as has been very 
properly remarked, to the intelligent reader of scrip- 
ture, the strongest confirmation of the rule in all 
cases, where marriage is in prospect, and where 
there has been no engagement previous to conver- 
sion. As to the other passage, where the apostle 
commands us not to be unequally yoked together 
with unbelievers, it does not apply to marriage, ex- 
cept by inference, but to church fellowship, or rath- 
er to association and conduct in general, in refer- 
ence to which, professing christians are not to sym- 
bolize with unbelievers. But if this be improper in 
regard to other matters, how much more so in that 
connexion, which has so powerful an influence over 
our character, as well as our happiness. For a 
christian, then, to marry an individual who is not 
decidedly and evidently a pious person, is a direct 
opposition to the word of God. 

And if Scripture were not against it, reason is ; 
for " how can two walk together, except they be 
agreed." A difference of taste in minor matters is 
an impediment in the way of domestic comfort; but 
to be opposed to each other on the all important 
subject of religion, is a risk, even as it respects our 
comfort, which no considerate person should be in- 
duced, on any considerations, to incur. How can 
the higher ends of the domestic constitution be 
answered, where one of the parents has not the spir- 
itual qualifications necessary for accomplishing 
them ? How can the work of religious education 
be conducted, and the children be trained in the 
nature and admonition of the Lord ? And as it re- 
spects individual and personal assistance in religious 
matters, do we not all want helps instead of hind- 
rances ? A christian should make every thing bend 
to religion, but allow religion to bend to nothing. 
This is the one thing needful, to which every thing 



92 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



should be subordinate ; and surely, to place out of 
consideration, the affairs of his eternal salvation, in 
so important an affair as marriage, shows either that 
the religion of a person who acts thus, is but pro- 
fession, or likely soon to become so. 

The neglect of this plain and reasonable rule is 
becoming, I am afraid, more and more prevalent. I 
do not wonder at all, that this subject should have 
excited the attention of the ministers of religion, 
and that the Congregational Association for Wilt- 
shire should at their yearly meeting, in 1806, have 
come to the following resolution : — " Deploring the 
little regard of late years paid by too many professors 
of religion to the christian rule of marriage : and deem- 
ing it desirable, that the attention of the public in gen- 
eral, and our own churches in particular, should be call- 
ed to this subject ; we do unanimously request the Rev. 
Mr. Jay to publish some strictures upon it." 

In the excellent treatise which Mr. Jay published 
in compliance with this request, he makes the fol- 
lowing just and important remarks. "How deplor- 
able is it that this christian rule of marriage is so 
frequently trampled upon. The violation is, in the 
degree of it at least, peculiar to our own age. Our 
pious ancestors, especially among the non-conform- 
ists, would have been shocked at the practice, as 
appears from their invaluable writings. And i am 
persuaded that it is very much owing to the 
prevalence of these indiscriminate and un- 
hallowed connexions, that we have fallen so 
far short of those men of god who are gone 
before us, in our seclusion from the world, in 
the simplicity of our manners, in the uniform- 
ity of our profession, in the discharge of fam- 
ily worship, and in the training up of our 
households in the nurture and admonition of 
the Lord." 

No one should contemplate the prospect of such 
a connexion as marriage, without the greatest and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



93 



most serious deliberation ; nor without the most 
earnest prayer to God for direction. Prayer, how- 
ever, to be acceptable to the Almighty, should be 
sincere, and should be presented with a real desire 
to know and do his will. Many, I believe, act to- 
wards the Deity, as they do towards their friends ; 
they make up their minds, and then ask to be di- 
rected. They have some doubts, and very often 
strong ones, of the propriety of the step they are 
about to take, which are gradually dissipated by 
their supplications, till they have prayed themselves 
into a conviction that they are quite right in the 
decision, which they have in fact, already made. 
To pray for direction in an affair which we know 
to be in opposition to God's word, and on which we 
have already resolved to act, is adding hypocrisy 
to rebellion. If there be reason to believe that the 
individual who solicits a christian to unite herself 
with him in marriage, is not truly pious, what need 
has she of praying to be directed ? This seems like 
asking the Almighty, to be permitted to do that 
which he has forbidden to be done. 

In the case of widows and widowers, especially 
where there is a family, peculiar prudence is neces- 
sary. I have known instances in which such per- 
sons have sacrificed all their own tastes and predi- 
lections, and have made their selection with exclu- 
sive reference to their children. Such a sacrifice 
is indeed generous ; but it may become a question 
whether it is discreet. It is placing their own com- 
fort, and even character, in some degree of peril, 
neither of which can be lost, without most serious 
mischief to those very children, whose interests 
they have so heroically consulted. This, however, 
is an error much more rare and venial, than that of 
the opposite extreme. How unseemly and incon- 
siderate is it for a sexagenarian, to bring home a 
young wife, and place her over daughters older than 
herself, and introduce into the family circle, aunts 



94 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



and uncles, younger than some of the nephews and 
nieces. Rare is the case, in which such inexpedi- 
ent connexions are formed, without the authors of 
them losing much of their own reputation, and de- 
stroying much of the comfort of their families. Let 
not such men wonder, if their daughters by the first 
marriage, are driven from their home by the conse- 
quences of the second ; and are led to form impru- 
dent matches, to which they w r ere led by the force 
of parental example, and urged by the consequen- 
ces of parental folly. 

In the selection of a second companion for life, 
where the first has been eminent for talents or vir- 
tues, much care should be taken that there be no 
great and striking inferiority, for in such a case, 

"busy, meddling memory, 

In barbarous succession, musters up 

The past endearments of their softer hours 

•which form a contrast ever present, and ever painful. 
The man that never knew by experience the joy of 
a happy marriage, can never know the ills of an 
imprudent one, as aggravated by the power of com- 
parison. Let him that has thus known them, beware 
how he expose himself to such helpless, hopeless 
misery. 

Due care should also be exercised in reference 
to the children. Has the woman about to be se- 
lected, that principle, that prudence, that self con- 
trol, that good temper, which, if she become herself 
a mother, will help her to conceal her partialities, 
for to suppress them is impossible, and would be 
unnatural, and to seem no less kind to her adopted 
offspring, than to her own ? That man acts a most 
cruel, a most wicked part towards the memory of 
his first wife, who does not provide for her children, 
a kind and judicious friend in his second. What is 
it but a dread of this, that has made some women, 
when upon their dying bed, break through the rules 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 95 

of propriety, and recommend their successor in the 
arms, and heart, and house of their husbands ? They 
trembled for their children, and seemed at that sad 
moment, to have become willing to be forgotten, 
provided their babes could find a second mother in 
her that was to fill their place. Let me then be- 
come the advocate of fatherless or motherless chil- 
dren, and entreat, for the sake, both of the living 
and the dead, a due regard to the comfort of these 
orphans. 

Nor should less deliberation be exercised by the 
party who is about to take, or invited to take the 
care of another person's children. Have they love 
enough for the parent, to bear the burden of care 
for his sake ? Have they kindness enough, temper 
enough, discretion enough, for such a situation, 
and for such an office ? There is no difficulty where 
the children are lovely in person, and amiable in 
temper ; but when they have no personal attractions, 
110 charms of mind, no endearments of character, 
then is the time to realize the truth of Mr. Jay's ex- 
pression, " a wife may be supplied, a mother cannot." 
The man or the woman that can act the parent's part 
towards a fro ward and unlovely child, must have 
more than nature, for this belongs only to a real 
parent, they must have principle and kindness, and 
need have grace. Let all who are invited to take 
the superintendence of a family, ask themselves, if 
they possess the requisites for the comfortable and 
satisfactory discharge of its duties. Let them in- 
quire whether it is likely they can be happy in such 
a situation themselves ; for if not, they had far bet- 
ter never enter it, as their unhappiness must inevi- 
tably fill the whole family circle with misery. 

It cannot be sufficiently deplored, that all suitable 
preparation for the marriage state, is usually put 
aside for the busy activities of vanity, which in fact, 
are but as dust in the balance of the conjugal des- 
tiny. Every thought, and anticipation, and anxiety, 



96 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. 



is too often absorbed in the selection of a house, and 
furniture ; and in matters still more insignificant and 
frivolous. How common is it for a female to spend 
those hours, day after day, and week after week in 
communion with her milliner, debating and discuss- 
ing the subject of the color, and form, and material, 
in which she is to shine forth in nuptial splendor, 
which ought to be employed in meditating the event- 
ful step, which is to fix for life her destiny, and that 
of her intended husband ; as if the great object were 
to appear a gay and fashionable bride, rather than 
to be a good and happy wife. And most pitiable is 
it to see some mothers, ministering to this folly, and 
flattering the vanity of their daughters, instead of 
preparing them by judicious and seasonable coun- 
sels, for discharging the duties of that new and im- 
portant connexion, into which they are about to 
enter. 

" Study," said an old author, " the duties of mar- 
riage, before you enter into it. There are crosses 
to be borne, there are snares to be avoided, and 
manifold obligations to be discharged, as well as 
great felicity to be enjoyed. And should no pro- 
vision be made ? For want of this, result the fre- 
quent disappointments of that honorable estate. 
Hence that repentance which is at once too soon, 
and too late. The husband knows not how to rule; 
and the wife knows not how to obey. Both are ig- 
norant, both conceited, and both miserable." 

IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE . HlM, AND He 
SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS. 



CHAPTER IV. 



THE DUTIES OF PARENTS. 



" Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath ; but bring them up 
in the nurture and admonition ofthe Lord." Ephes. vi. 4. 

" Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will 
not depart from it." Prov. xxii.6. 

f< And these words which I command thee this day, shall be in thine 
heart, and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt 
talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by 
the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." 

Deut. vi. 6, 7. 

" And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the 
heart of the children to the fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with 
a curse." Mal. iv. 



It is an interesting and important era in the history 
of domestic life, when the husband and wife receive 
the new names of father and mother, and become 
united by the supplemental tie, which is furnished 
by the little helpless stranger, so lately introduced 
into the family. Who that has felt them, can ever 
forget the emotions awakened by the first gaze up- 
on the face of his child, by the first embrace of his 
babe. Little, however, do the bulk of mankind con- 
sider, what a weight of obligation, what a degree of 
responsibility, that child has brought into the world 
with him for his parents. In the joyousness with 
which the mother lavishes her fond embraces upon 
her boy, and in the paternal pride with which the 
father looks on this new object of their affection, 
how rarely does either of them revolve, in deep se- 
riousness, the future destiny of this new idol of their 
hearts ; or consider how nearly that destiny is con- 
nected with their own conduct. Parental obliga- 



93 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



tions are neither felt nor known by multitudes. How 
then can they be discharged ? Rushing into the con- 
nexion of marriage under the mere impulse of pas- 
sion, without forethought, without prudence, multi* 
tudes become parents before they have one right 
view, or one right feeling, in reference to the duties 
of the parental relationship ; to which they come 
with scarcely any other preparedness, than that mere 
animal fondness for their young, which they partake 
of in common with the irrational creation ; but not 
with that same instinctive ability, tc to train them up 
in the way they should go." Who can wonder at 
the disordered state of society at large, or be sur- 
prised at the aboundings of evils and miseries in our 
world, that looks at the manner in which domestic 
duties are neglected. When I consider what poor, 
ignorant, thoughtless, frivolous, wicked creatures 
are often seen at the head of households, I can only 
ascribe it to the interference of an all wise and pow- 
erful providence, that society is not far more chaotic 
than it is. 

My business in this chapter, is to endeavor to rec- 
tify, if possible, some of these evils, and to lay down 
a rule to guide the parent in discharging his truly 
important, and awfully responsible obligation ; per- 
suaded as I am, that many of the evils and miseries 
of society would vanish before a right performance 
of parental duties. 

1. It is impossible for parents to discharge their 
duty, without a correct view of the nature and de- 
sign of the domestic constitution. 

This they should study, and arrive at the conclu- 
sion as speedily as possible, and keep it ever before 
the mind, that the great design of this compact is, 
to form well the character of the children ; to train up 
the citizen for the world, and the christian for the 
church ; to assist the child, as a mortal, to go with 
honor and comfort through this life, and as an im- 
mortal, to reach life everlasting. The domestic cir- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



99 



cle is intended to be the school of character, where, 
in the highest sense of the term, the most important 
business of education is to be conducted ; where the 
moral sense is to be implanted and cultivated, and 
the conscience, and the temper, and the heart, are 
all to be trained. 

2. Parents should be most deeply impressed and 
affected, with a sense of the importance of the sta- 
tion they occupy in the domestic constitution. 

Their state of mind should be the very opposite 
of that light and frivolous indifference ; that absence 
of all anxiety, which many of them manifest. There 
are some who seem to regard their children as pretty 
little living playthings, that must be well taken care 
of, and be taught, by somebody or other, whatever 
will set them off to the best advantage : but as to 
any idea of the formation of their character, espe- 
cially their moral and religious character, and any 
of that deep, and painful, and almost overwhelming 
solicitude, which arises from a clear perception, and 
powerful impression of the probable connexion be- 
tween the child's destiny, and the parents' conduct, 
to all this they are utter strangers. Many horticul- 
turalists have far more intense solicitude about the 
developing of their plants, far more wakeful and 
anxious care about the fragrance and color of a 
flower, or the size and flavor of a fruit, than many 
parents have about the developement of mind and 
the formation of character in a child. They have 
plants of immortality in their house, they have 
young trees which are to bear fruits to eternity, 
growing up around them, the training of which is 
committed to their care, and yet have very little so- 
licitude, and scarcely any thoughtfulness, whether 
they yield in this world or the next, poisonous or 
wholesome produce. On parents, it depends in a 
great measure Avhat their children are to be, — mis- 
erable or happy in themselves ; a comfort or a curse 
to their connexions ; an ornament or a deformity to 



100 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



society ; a fiend or a seraph in eternity. It is in- 
deed an awful thing to be a parent, and is enough 
to awaken the anxious, trembling inquiry in every 
heart, " Lord, who is sufficient for these things ?" 

3. Parents should seek after the possession of arf 
possible qualifications for their office. 

What man in his senses would undertake the of- 
fice of a pilot upon a dangerous coast, without a 
knowledge of navigation ? Or that of a general of 
an army, without a knowledge of military tactics ? 
Or that of a physician, without a knowledge of med- 
icine and diseases ? And who would go on another 
hour in the office of a parent, without seeking to 
possess all suitable qualifications ? And what are 
they ?— 

Genuine personal religion : for how can they bring 
up children in the nurture and admonition of the 
Lord, if they do not know the Lord for themselves ? 
In order to teach religion with any probable effect, 
we must know it ourselves. That parent will have 
little ability, and less inclination, to inculcate piety 
upon his children, who has none himself. A grace- 
less parent is a most awful character ! Oh, to see 
the father and mother of a rising family, with a 
crowd of young immortals growing up around them, 
and teaching irreligion to their offspring, and lead- 
ing them to perdition, by the power of their own 
example — a sheep leading her twin lambs into the 
cover of a hungry tiger, would be a shocking sight ; 
but to see parents by their own irreligion, or want 
of religion, conducting their family to the bottom- 
less pit, is most horrible !! No one, then, can rightly 
discharge the duties of a parent, in the higher refer- 
ence of the family compact, without that personal 
religion, which consists in repentance towards God, 
faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and a life of habitual 
holiness. In the absence of this, the highest end 
of the domestic constitution must be neglected, the 
sublimest part of education must be abandoned. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



101 



Parents should seek the entire government of their 
temper : a habit of self-control ; a meekness not to 
be disturbed by the greatest provocation ; a patience 
not to be wearied by long continued opposition. I 
say to any father or mother, are you irritable, petu- 
lant ? If so, begin this moment the work of subju- 
gating your temper. You are in imminent peril of 
ruining your family. A passionate mother or father, 
is like a fury with a sceptre in one hand, and a fire- 
brand in the other : and when the king is a fury, 
the subjects are likely to be furies too ; for nothing 
is more contagious than bad temper. 0 how many 
parents have had to bewail with weeping eyes, and 
almost broken hearts, the effects of their own irri- 
tability as apparent in the headstrong passionate 
dispositions of their children. It is against this evil 
that the admonition of the Apostle is directed, "for- 
bearing threatening." Passion blinds the judgment, 
leads to undue severity, fosters partialities, in short, 
is the source of a thousand evils in the domestic 
government. An irritable person can never manage 
discipline with propriety, but is ever prone to cor- 
rect, when correction should never be administered, 
in a rage. Parents, I beseech you to control your 
temper and acquire a calm, imperturbable disposi- 
tion, for this only can fit you to rule your household 
in wisdom, justice and love. 

A habit of discrimination is a very important quali- 
fication in parents ; a penetrating insight into char- 
acter ; an acuteness in judging of motives. Such a 
talent is of immense consequence in the domestic 
community ; and connected with this, a quickness 
of discerning disposition, together with an inventive 
and ingenious faculty of adapting treatment to the 
varieties of character and propensity which are con- 
tinually exhibiting themselves. 

A kindness of manner, an affectionate, persuasive 

address, is of great importance. It is desirable for 

parents to render their company pleasant to their 
9 # 



102 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



children, to engage their confidence, to exert over 
them the influence of love, which certainly cannot 
be done by a cold, or churlish, or distant behavior. 

Prudence and good sense are qualities of such in- 
estimable worth, and depend so much upon educa- 
tion, that all who have the care of children, should 
perpetually exhibit them for imitation. A rash, 
thoughtless father, a wild, romantic mother, do in- 
calculable mischief in a family. 

Firmness is essentially requisite in parents ; that 
disposition, which though at the remotest distance 
from all that is rigid, stern, and cruel, can master 
its own feelings, and amidst the strongest appeals to 
the tenderer emotions of the mind, can inflexibly 
maintain its purpose ; and in the way of denying 
improper requests, or administering correction, can 
inflict pain on the object of its affection, whenever 
duty requires such an exercise of beneficial severity. 
For want of this disposition, of this fine and noble 
quality, how many have ruined their children for- 
ever by indulgence. 

Varied information and extensive knowledge are 
very desirable. Parents should be able to direct the 
studies, to answer the inquiries, to correct the mis- 
takes, to assist the pursuits, and in short, to super- 
intend the general instruction of their families. 

Unvarying and inflexible consistency should be ex- 
hibited by all whom providence has placed at the 
head of a household. They should be not only 
excellent, but consistently excellent. An unbroken 
uniformity should reign over their whole charac- 
ter. Nothing contradictory, inexplicable, irrecon- 
cilable, should ever be seen. 

Let all who are likely to become parents, look at 
this picture and learn how they are to prepare for 
the performance of their duty ; and let those who 
already sustain this relationship, correct their errors 
and supply their defects by this rule. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



103 



4. Parents should settle with themselves, what is 
their chief desire, and highest object of pursuit, in 
reference to their children. 

Without fixing on some end, we shall never in 
any course of action, proceed with much steadiness, 
comfort, or success : and where many ends are, and 
maybe with propriety contemplated and sought, the 
chief one must be definitely selected, and contin- 
ually kept in view, or we shall ever be in danger of 
misapplying our energies. Let parents then, con- 
sider the ends which they should propose to them- 
selves, in reference to their children, and decide 
among all those that are lawful, which is supreme, 
and which are subordinate. There are many lawful 
ones, but only one of these can be supreme. And 
what is that ? Religion. What christian can for 
a moment hesitate here ? What genuine believer 
can for a moment question whether his children's 
eternal salvation ought to be the supreme solicitude 
of his heart ? If we look to the great bulk of man- 
kind, it is perfectly evident that religion hardly 
enters into their view ; they are very willing that 
their children should go to church or to meeting, 
according as they themselves are church people or 
dissenters, but as to any anxiety about the religious 
character, the formation of pious habits, they are as 
destitute of every thing of this kind, as if religion 
were a mere fable, or were nothing more than a 
mere sabbath day form. Their chief object is, either 
elegant and fashionable accomplishments, or learn- 
ing and science, or perhaps prudence and good 
sense : and provided their sons and daughters excel 
in these, they never make any inquiry or feel any 
anxiety whether they fear God, and would be not 
only surprised, but would either laugh you to scorn 
or scowl upon you with indignation, for proposing 
such fanatical or methodistical questions in refer- 
ence to their children. Yes, this is the way of the 
greater part of parents, even in this religious coun- 



104 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



try. To train them up to shine and make a figure 
in society, is all they seek. Amazing folly ! Dread- 
ful and murderous cruelty ! Degrading and grovel- 
ling ambition ! To lose sight of the soul, and neglect 
salvation, and forget immortality ! To train them in 
every kind of knowledge, but the knowledge of re- 
ligion, to instruct them in an acquaintance with 
every kind of subject, but to leave them in igno- 
rance of God their Creator, their Preserver and Ben- 
efactor ! To fit them to act their part well on earth, 
and to leave them unprepared for heaven ! To qual- 
ify them to go with respectability and advantage 
through the scenes of time, and then to leave them 
unmeet for the glorious and enduring scenes of 
eternity ! 0 strange fondness of irreligious parents ! 

0 miserable destiny of their hapless offspring ! 

In direct opposition to this, the chief end of every 
christian parent, must be the spiritual interests, the 
religious character, the eternal salvation of his chil- 
dren. Believing that they are sinful and immortal 
creatures, yet capable of being redeemed through 
the mediation of Christ, his highest ambition, his 
most earnest prayer, his most vigorous pursuit should 
be engaged for their eternal welfare. His eye, his 
heart and his hope, should be fixed on the same ob- 
jects for them, as they are for himself, and that is, 
upon eternal life. This should be the nature and 
exercise of his anxiety. u I am desirous, if it please 
God, that my children should be blessed with the 
enjoyment of reason, of health, of such a moderate 
portion of worldly wealth and worldly respectability 
as is compatible with their station in life : and with 
a view to this, I will give them all the advantages 
of a suitable education : but above and beyond this, 

1 far more intensely desire, and far more earnestly 
pray, and far more anxiously seek, that they may 
have the fear of God in their hearts, be made par- 
takers of true religion, and be everlastingly saved. 
And provided God grant me the latter, by bestow- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



105 



ing upon them his grace, I shall feel that my chief 
object is accomplished, and be quite reconciled to 
any circumstances which may otherwise befall them; 
for rather would I see them in the humble vale of 
poverty, if at the same time they were true chris- 
tians, than on the very pinnacle of worldly gran- 
deur, but destitute of true piety." Such should be 
the views and feelings and desires of all christian 
parents ; religion should beat the very centre of all 
their schemes and pursuits for their offspring. This 
should be the guiding principle, the directing ob- 
ject, the great land-mark by which all their course 
should be steered. 

Having made these preliminary remarks, I go on 
to enumerate and illustrate the various branches of 
parental duty. 

First. There are some which relate more directly 

TO THE PRESENT LIFE AND THE FORMATION OF 
THE CHARACTER GENERALLY. 

1. Maintenance is of course a claim which every 
child justly prefers upon his parents, till he is of a 
sufficient age to be able to provide for himself. 

2. Scholastic instruction is another duty we owe 
our children. The dark ages are happily past away, 
and a flood of light is now poured, and is still pour- 
ing over all classes of the people. Instruction is 
become general, and even they who are too poor to 
buy knowledge for their children, are not ashamed 
to beg it in our Sunday and charity schools. No 
man should suffer his family to be in this respect, 
behind the age in which they live. To grudge the 
money spent in this way, is a cruel and detestable 
niggardliness. A good education is a portion, the 
only one which some are able to give to their chil- 
dren, and which in many cases, has led to every 
other kind of wealth. In this, however, we are to 
be guided by our rank in life and circumstances, and 
for a laboring man or a small tradesman to impov- 
erish himself in order to procure the same kind and 



106 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



degrees of accomplishment for Ms children, as a 
rich man and a nobleman would for theirs, is an am- 
bition sanctioned neither by reason nor revelation. 
Where it can be accomplished, parents should pre- 
fer domestic instruction, to sending their children 
away from home : no school can possess the advan- 
tages which are to be enjoyed under the eye of a 
judicious father or mother. But how few are judi- 
cious : how few are equal to the task of a general 
superintendence of the business of instruction ; and 
how few can command the advantages of it at home. 
Let all such, be careful in the selection of a school, for 
it is a matter of infinite consequence. Let them be 
guided in their choice, not by a mere regard to ac- 
complishments, not by a view to the best drawing, 
dancing, music, or latin master. This is an age of 
gaudy exterior decoration. But let them first re- 
gard religion, then, the real cultivation oj the mind, 
and the formation of good habits. Wherever real 
piety is inculcated, a thirst for knowledge excited, 
and habits of application, reflection, sobriety of 
judgment, and good sense are formed, that is the 
school to be selected by a wise and christian parent. 
No word is more abused than that of education, 
which in the mind of many, signifies nothing more 
than the communication of knowledge. But this is 
only a part, and a small part of education, which, in 
fact, means the formation of character. A youth 
may have his head stuffed full of latin, greek, math- 
ematics, and natural philosophy ; a girl may draw 
and dance, and play, and speak French exquisitely, 
and yet be miserably educated after all. Integrity, 
good sense, generosity, and a capacity for reflec- 
tion, are worth all the acquirements which even an 
university can bestow. Not, however, that these 
are incompatible with each other; by no means : and 
the perfection of education is the union of both. 

3. A due regard to the health of children should be 
-maintained. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



107 



Physical education is of no small importance. 
Knowledge gained at the expense of health, is pur- 
chased at a dreadful expense. And there are other 
ways of injuring the health of children, besides a 
too close application of learning, which does indeed, 
but rarely occur. Fond and foolish mothers should 
be warned against pampering their appetite^*with 
sweets, corrupting their blood with grossness, or 
impairing the tone of their stomachs with fermented 
liquors. Infanticide is practised even in this chris- 
tian land, by many who never dream that they are 
child murderers : they do not kill their babes by 
strangling or poisoning them ; no, but by pamper- 
ing or stuffing them to death. And where they go 
not to this extreme, they breed up a circle of glut- 
tons, or drunkards. Nothing can be more disgust- 
ing, than to see children invited to eat all the delica- 
cies of the dinner, and to drink after it the health of 
the company, and with what their young palates 
ought to be strangers to. And lamentably injudi- 
cious is it, to make the gratification of the appetite, 
a reward for good conduct, and to have them usher- 
ed into the parlor before they retire to rest, to re- 
ceive the luscious sweet, which is the bribe for their 
going quietly to bed. The mischief goes beyond 
the corruption of their health, for it brings them up 
to be governed by appetite, rather than by reason, 
which is, in fact, the secret cause of all the intem- 
perance and profligacy of the world. Settle your 
plans on this subject, and suffer neither a favorite ser- 
vant, nor a kind aunt, nor a doating grandpapa, to 
come between you and the welfare of your children. 

4. Bring up your children with low notions of the 
importance of riches, and worldly show, and of the 
power which these tilings have either to give respectabili- 
ty to the character, or to procure happiness. 

Do not let them hear you magnify the value of 
wealth by your words, nor see you do it by your 
actions. Avoid an obsequious attention to the rich 



108 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



and great ; point not to them as the individuals most 
to be admired and envied. Discover no undue so- 
licitude about grandeur of abode, or furniture. From 
the time that they are capable of receiving an idea, 
or an impression, teach them it is character that 
constitutes true respectability : that a good man is 
reputable in any circumstances, a bad man in none. 
Remind them of the danger of riches, and that they 
are satan's baits to tempt men to love the world, 
and lose their souls. Not that you should produce 
a cynical disposition towards either riches or the 
rich : much less repress industry, and foster indo- 
lence : no ; but encourage them to consider and to 
seek wealth, rather as a means of usefulness, than a 
source of personal gratification. 

5. Inculcate industrious habits. 

Caution them against sauntering and slothfulness. 
From the dawn of reason, endeavor to convince 
them not merely by argument, but by a reference 
to their own experience, that employment is pleas- 
ure, and idleness misery. Impress them with the 
value of time ; that it is the stuff of which life is 
made, and that we lose as much of life, as we do of 
time. And connected with this, enforce habits of 
order and punctuality. The parent that neglects to 
do this, is guilty of enormous unkindness towards 
his children ; who, if they grow up without these, 
incommode themselves, and are a source of prodi- 
gious inconvenience to their friends. 

6. Economy is no less necessary. Industry and 
economy are virtues of civilized life. Savages never 
possess them, but spend their time in idleness, and 
squander what comes in their way in wastefulness. 
It is reason overcoming the vis inertiae which is 
natural to man, that produces industry and econo- 
my ; and when we consider how important they are 
to the well being not only of individuals, but of so- 
ciety, our efforts should be employed to foster them 
in the minds of our children. But in inculcating 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



109 



economy, we must be careful not to drive the mind 
into covetousness ; hence it is of consequence, that 
with all our endeavors to cherish frugality, we 
should be no less assiduous to encourage generosity; 
and to impress them with the idea, that the end of 
saving, is not to hoard, but to distribute to the 
wants of others. 

7. Provide for your children suitable employment. 
Happily the pride and indolence of feudal times arc 
gone by, and it is our felicity to live in a country 
where trade and industry are accounted honorable, 
and where the aristocracy softens down into the de- 
mocracy, by almost insensible degrees ; where a 
poor, proud gentleman, that scorns the vulgarity of 
trade, begins to be thought a very despicable char- 
acter ; and the diligent, honest, and successful 
tradesman, regarded as an honorable member of 
the community. " The good, sound common sense 
of mankind will never annex character to a useless 
life. He who merely hangs as a burden on the 
shoulders of his fellow men, who adds nothing to 
the common stock of comfort, and merely spends 
his time in devouring it, will be invariably, as well 
as justly accounted a public nuisance.' 1 Let par- 
ents, therefore, take care to bring up their children 
to some suitable business ; in the selection of which, 
due regard should be had to their own circumstan- 
ces, for it is great folly and unkindness also to select 
for a child a business, so much above his father's 
station and property, as to leave no rational hope, 
that he can ever enter upon it with a prospect of 
success. In the advance of society we see innumera- 
ble instances of foolish pride of this kind ; and in- 
deed it is a pretty general thing for parents to be 
ambitious to obtain for their children a higher grade 
in society than their own. Many, who have really 
acquired wealth in a reputable, though perhaps not 
the most genteel trade, (for trades have their aris- 
tocratic distinctions,) seem anxious that their sons 
10 



110 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



should be a step higher than themselves, and instead 
of sending them to business, look out for a profes- 
sion, and there is a wondrous rage for professions in 
the present day : or if they are retail tradesmen, 
must make their sons wholesale ones ; or if they 
are manufacturers, must start them as merchants ; 
and if they are merchants, must elevate them into 
gentlemen. What abject folly is it for a man to 
turn away the attention of his children from any 
good and honorable business, which he has followed 
with success, merely because it is not genteel. I 
believe that great harm has been done by an inju- 
dicious system of scholastic instruction, which has 
become too exclusively classical. Literature, when 
kept within due bounds, and properly united with 
mercantile branches, does not in itself unfit a youth 
for business, but it is considered as the acquire- 
ments of those who are intended to be professional 
men, or gentlemen ; and when almost exclusively 
pursued to a late period in boyhood, it turns off the 
attention from business, and partially unfits for it. 
A very undue importance has been attached in our 
schools, to polite literature ; to the neglect of sci- 
ence and commercial knowledge. Let every chris- 
tian tradesman, who has a business worth following, 
keep as many of his sons as he can at home with 
him, and educate them himself for trade in his own 
warehouse. Due attention must of course, always 
be paid in the selection of a business, to the physical 
strength, to the mental capacity, and to the prevail- 
ing taste of a child. 

9. Generosity should be most assiduously incul- 
cated. 

All children, and consequently all mankind, are 
more or less selfish by nature. This should be early 
watched and checked by a judicious parent, and an 
opposite disposition inculcated. Even infants may 
be made to feel the pleasure of sharing their pos- 
sessions with others. Let them be taught that en- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



Ill 



joyment arises not from individual gratification, but 
from a communion in pleasure. As children ad- 
vance in years and reason, they should hear much 
of the happiness arising from gratifying others; of 
the luxury of benevolence, and of the meanness of 
greediness. We should descant on the beauty of 
generous actions, and of beneficent examples. An- 
ecdotes of remarkable generosity should be read to 
them, and especially should we dwell upon the won- 
drous love of God, and the remarkable compassion 
of Jesus Christ. We should send them on errands 
of mercy to the poor and needy, that being specta- 
tors both of their misery, and of their tears of grati- 
tude for relief, they might acquire a disposition to 
do good. We should especially encourage them to 
make sacrifices, and to practise self-denial to do 
good. To give them extra money, in order that 
they may relieve the poor, or support religious in- 
stitutions, is doing them very little good ; for this is 
only being generous at other people's expense : but 
they should be induced to save their own pocket 
money, and distribute their regular allowance, and 
thus forego the gratification of their own palate, for 
the purpose of relieving the wants of others. But 
they should never be compelled to give, never have 
their money stopped for this purpose ; never be fined 
for misconduct, and have their fines appropriated to 
charity ; for all this is calculated to disgust them 
with benevolence. 

Great care should be taken at the same time, 
not to induce a habit of indiscriminate distribution, 
which would render them the dupes of hypocrisy, 
the subjects of imposition, and the victims of extor- 
tion. We should teach them the difference between 
real benevolence, and that easy goodnature, which 
allows itself to be wheedled out of every thing ^be- 
tween the generosity of a correct judgment, and 
that of a weak and credulous mind ; between prin- 
ciple and mere feeling. 



112 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



8. Prudence is of vast consequence in the affairs 
of life. This is, next to piety, the most valuable 
quality of character. Nothing can be a substitute 
for it ; and it does more for the comfort of its pos- 
sessor, more for the happiness of society than any 
other attribute of mind that can be mentioned. 
Half the miseries of some persons' lives, who are 
good people too, arise from a rash, thoughtless, in- 
discreet mind. They never think before they speak 
or act : they have no power, or exercise none, of 
forethought, deliberation, or calculation. Such per- 
sons are firebrands without intending it, and commit 
immense mischief, without, perhaps, a particle of 
malice. How important, then, that children should 
be early taught the nature and value of discretion. 
Many parents most egregiously err on this subject : 
some are anxious only to communicate knowledge ; 
forgetting that ideas are worth nothing, but as 
they are discreetly employed to produce happiness. 
Knowledge is only the materials of comfort ; it is 
wisdom that must put them together into form and 
consistency. Others, almost despise prudence ; it 
is not a classical, a scientific, a poetic quality. It 
cramps genius, extinguishes taste, prevents the lofty, 
though somewhat erratic flights of an ardent mind ; 
it is cold and calculating ; it has nothing sublime or 
romantic about it ; it never soars into the clouds, or 
plunges into the depths, but holds on its dull course, 
on the low level of ordinary concerns. And there- 
fore, just on this very account, it is the very thing 
that is to be coveted. Foolish, foolish creatures ! 
And so you would have your children geniuses, that 
disdain the restraints of wisdom ; and resemble mere 
fire works that burn and blaze out only to please 
others by their brilliancy and splendor, without do- 
ing good to any one ! 0 be not so cruel to your- 
selves, to your children, to society. Teach them to 
cultivate a deliberative, a reflecting, a calculating 
judgment ; to weigh their words, and measure their 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



113 



actions ; enforce upon them a habit of looking on- 
ward to the tendency and results of conduct ; the 
calm and regular government of the soul, which 
leads its possessor to observe true measures, and a 
suitable decorum in words, and thoughts, and ac- 
tions. Give them all the learning you can procure 
for them ; I quarrel not with this : but in your own 
estimation, and in all your conduct towards them, 
exalt wisdom far above learning, genius, taste, ac- 
complishments ; and in this sense of the word, teach 
them that the price of wisdom is above rubies. 

Now I am anxious to impress upon the mind of 
all parents, that the inculcation of these dispositions, 
forms in fact, the very essence of education. This 
term, as I have already remarked, and I repeat the 
sentiment again and again, not by accident or over- 
sight, but with the design of more deeply impress- 
ing it, has been very generally misapplied, because, 
in fact, misunderstood. Education in modern par- 
lance, means nothing more than instruction, or the 
communication of knowledge to the mind ; and a 
good education means, the opportunity of acquiring 
all kinds of learning, science, and what are called 
accomplishments. But properly speaking, educa- 
tion in the true and higher import of the term, 
means, the implanting of right dispositions, the cul- 
tivation of the heart, the guidance of the temper, 
the formation of the character. Or allowing, as we 
must, that education applies to the whole soul and 
character, and includes general instruction in know- 
ledge, I should say that its most important part is 
that which relates to the communication of active 
principles, and the formation of moral habits. It is 

TRAINING UP A CHILD IN THE WAY HE SHOULD GO. 

Not merely the training up a child in the way he 
should think, or speculate, or translate, or dance, or 
draw, or argue, but the way in which he should go. 
Every thing may be taught which can sharpen the 
faculties, or store the mind with ideas, or cultivate 
10* 



114 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



the taste ; but we must not stop here, but consider 
that the highest end of education, is the formation, 
first of the religious character, and then of the use- 
ful, amiable, intelligent, and generous member of 
the social community. 

If this be true, and who will venture to deny it, 
then is it perfectly manifest, that the great work of 
education, cannot be and ought not to be transferred 
from parents to others. They may purchase that 
tuition, which their own circumstances may disqual- 
ify them from imparting, but the education of the 
character belongs to them, and cannot be transfer- 
red. Here I cannot resist the temptation of intro- 
ducing a long extract from Mr. Anderson's incom- 
parable work. 

" Placed by the all-wise providence of heaven in 
such a peculiar situation, it will be well for you to 
keep especially in view, what may be denominated, 

THE EDUCATION OF CIRCUMSTANCES. Let purchase i" 

tuition be carried up to the very highest perfection, 
and let neither money nor wisdom be spared in 
reaching this height ; of such vital importance in 
the training of children, is that department to which 
I now refer, that it can, and if neglected will, un- 
dermine and undo the whole, as well as render many 
efforts in educating the disposition, altogether abor- 
tive. Suffer me to explain my meaning. 

" In the laudable anxiety of their hearts, two pa- 
rents, with a family of infants playing around their 
feet, are heard to say, £ Oh ! what will, what can best 
educate these dear children ?,' I reply, e Look to 
yourselves and your circumstances.'' Maxims and doc- 
uments are good in themselves, and especially good 
for the regulation of your conduct and your behav- 
ior towards them : but with regard to your children, 
you have yet often to remark, that many maxims are 
good, precisely till they are tried, or applied, and 
no longer. In the hands of many parents, they will 
teach the children to talk, and very often, little 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



115 



more. I do not mean to assert, that sentiments in- 
culcated have no influence ; far from it ; they have 
much ; though not the most : but still, after all, it 
is the sentiments you let drop occasionally, it is the 
conversation they overhear, when playing in the 
corner of the room, which has more effect than 
many things which are addressed to them directly 
in the tone of exhortation. Besides, as to maxims, 
ever remember, that between those which you bring 
forward for their use, and those by which you direct 
your own conduct, children have almost an intuitive 
discernment ; and it is by the latter they will be 
mainly governed, both during childhood and their 
future existence. 

" The question however returns, c What will edu- 
cate these children ?' And now I answer, ' Your ex- 
ample will educate them — your conversation with 
your friends — the business they see you transact — 
the likings and dislikings you express — these will 
educate them ; the society you live in icill educate 
them — your domestics will educate them ; and what- 
ever be your rank or situation in life, your house, 
your table, and your daily behavior, these, theseW\\\ 
educate them. To withdraw them from the unceas- 
ing and potent influence of these things is impossi- 
ble, except you were to withdraw yourself from 
them also. Some parents talk of beginning the ed- 
ucation of their children ; the moment they were 
capable of forming an idea, their education was al- 
ready begun — the education of circumstances — in- 
sensible education, which, like insensible perspira- 
tion, is of more constant and powerful effect, and of 
far more consequence to the habit, than that which 
is direct and apparent. This education goes on at 
every instant of time ; it goes on like time — you can 
neither stop it nor turn its course. Whatever these, 
then, have a tendency to make your children, that, in 
a great degree, you at least should be persuaded 
they will be.' 



116 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



" The language, however, occasionally heard from 
some fathers, may here not unseasonably be glanced 
at. They are diffuse in praise of maternal influ- 
ence ; and pleased at the idea of its power and ex- 
tent ; they will exclaim, £ 0 yes, there can be no 
doubt of it, that every thing depends upon the 
mother.' This, however, will be found to spring 
from a selfish principle, and from anxiety to be re- 
lieved from mighty obligations, which, after all, 
cannot be transferred from the father's shoulders, 
to those even of a mother : to say nothing of the 
unkindness involved in laying upon her a burden, 
which nature never intended, and never does. Her 
influence, as an instrument, indeed, a husband can- 
not too highly prize ; but let no father imagine, that 
he can neutralize the influence of his own presence, 
and his own example at home. He cannot, if he 
would, nor can he escape from obligation. The pa- 
tience and constancy of a mother, are no doubt, 
first mainly tried, but then those of the father. The 
dispositions in each parent are fitted by nature for 
this order in the trial of patience ; but from the des- 
tined and appropriate share allotted to each, neither 
of the two parties, when in health, can relieve the 
other. 

t£ Addressing myself, therefore, to both parents, I 
would say, c Contract to its just and proper dimen- 
sions, the amount of all that purchased education 
can do for you, and expect no more from it than it 
is truly able to perform. It can give instruction. 
There will always be an essential difference between 
a human being cultivated and uncultivated. In the 
department of purchased tuition, you will portion 
out to the best advantage, many of those precious 
hours of youth which never will return : and such 
employment will lend you powerful aid in forming 
those personal habits, which lie within the province 
of parental education ; but rest assured, and lay it 
down to yourselves as a cardinal principle, that the 



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117 



business of education, properly so called, is not 
transferable. You may engage a master or mas- 
ters, as numerous as you please, to instruct your 
children in many things, useful and praiseworthy in 
their own place, but you must by the order of na- 
ture, educate them yourselves. You not only ought 
to do it, but you will perceive if I am correct in 
what I have stated, and may still advance, you must 
do it, ivhetker you intend it or not. J 4 The parent,' 
says Cecil, is not to stand reasoning and calculat- 
ing. God has said, that his character shall have in- 
fluence : and so this appointment of Providence be- 
comes often the punishment of a wicked or a care- 
less man.' As education, in the sense I have ex- 
plained, is a thing necessary for all, — for the poor 
and for the rich, — for the illiterate as well as the 
learned, Providence has not made it dependant on 
systems, uncertain, operose, and difficult of appli- 
cation. Every parent, therefore, save when sepa- 
rated altogether from his family, may be seen 
daily in the act of educating his children ; for from 
father and mother, and the circumstances in which 
they move, the children are daily advancing in the 
knowledge of what is good or evil. The occupa- 
tions of the poor man at his labor, and of the man 
of business in his counting-house, cannot interrupt 
this education. In both instances, the mother is 
plying at her uninterrupted avocations, and her ex- 
ample is powerfully operating every hour ; while at 
certain intervals daily, as well as every morning and 
evening, all things come under the potent sway of 
the father or the master, whether that influence be 
good or bad. Here, then, is one school from which 
there are no truants, and in which there are no ho- 
lidays. 

" True, indeed, you send your children to another 
school, and this is the very best in the whole neigh- 
borhood, and the character of the master there, is 
not only unexceptionable, but praiseworthy. When 



IIS 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



your children come home too, you put a book of 
your own selection into their hands, or even many 
such books, and they read them with pleasure and 
personal advantage. Still, after all this, never for 
one day forget, that the first book they read, nay, 
that which they continue to read, and by far the 
most influential, is that of their parents' example 
and daily deportment. If this should be disregard- 
ed by you, or even forgotten, then be not at all sur- 
prised when you find, another day, to your sorrow 
and vexation, and the interruption of your business, 
if not the loss of all your domestic peace and har- 
mony, that your children only c know the right 
path, but still follow the wrong.' " 

Secondly. — But I now go on to illustrate and 
enforce those duties which parents owe to their 
children, in reference to their religious char- 
acter AND THEIR ETERNAL WELFARE. 

Not that religion is to be taught separately from 
all other branches of education, as an abstract thing 
of itself, for it is not an abstract thing of itself, but 
an integral part of the character, the substratum of 
all the qualities that have been already stated. 
" Bring them up in the fear and nurture and admo- 
nition of the Lord :" this is all the apostle enjoined 
on the subject of education, and it is the substance 
of all we are to teach : whatever is opposed to this 
must not be taught, and all that is taught or en- 
joined must be inculcated with a direct or indirect 
reference to this. In the selection of a school even 
for obtaining the elements of general knowledge, 
in the branches of tuition that he permits his chil- 
dren to be taught, a christian parent must have his 
eye upon religion, and this must be the polar star 
by which he steers. 

Still however, for the sake of making the matter 
more clear and obvious, as the subject of solemn 
obligation, I place religious education by itself : and 
it includes — 



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119 



1. Instruction. 

As soon as reason dawns, religious instruction 
should commence. The subject matter of instruction 
includes every thing which forms the fundamental 
points of revealed truth. The character of God, 
the spirituality of his law, the fall of man, the evil 
of sin, the person and work of Christ, the need of 
repentance, the justification of the soul by faith, the 
nature and necessity of regeneration, the operating 
power of love to Christ as the spring of obedience, 
the solemnities of judgment, the immortality of the 
soul, the punishment of the wicked, and the happi- 
ness of the righteous. All these should be famil- 
iarly taught according as the capacity is able to 
receive them. Our instruction should not be con- 
fined to mere generalities, but should proceed from 
the beginning, on evangelical principles. The basis 
of our teaching should be the Bible itself. Not 
that I would totally discard all catechisms. I do 
not see why definitions and explanations, and what 
else are the answers in catechisms, may not be as 
useful in religion, as in any other subject. Cate- 
chisms are injurious only when they push out the 
Bible, not when they lead to it. Still 1 admit, that 
the Bible should be the text book. Every child 
should learn a portion of scripture daily, and have 
it explained to him. A great prominency in all our 
instruction should be given to the law of God as 
binding the conscience, and the consequent exceed- 
ing sinfulness of every human being ; together with 
the wonderful grace of the Lord Jesus Christ as the 
sinner's only Saviour. Much use should be made 
of the historical parts of scripture, as illustrating by 
its facts the character of God, the evil of sin, the 
consequences of disobedience. Abstract principles 
alone will not do. Children like facts, and must be 
taught through the medium of their imagination. 
Instruction must be conveyed in a pleasing form. 
In order to this, there must be no wearying them by 



120 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



long lectures ; no disgusting them by long tasks. I 
reprobate the practice as a most injurious one, of 
setting a long lesson of catechism or scripture to a 
reluctant child, and then punishing him for not learn- 
ing it. If we wish to disgust their minds with the 
ways of godliness, this is the way to do it. Many 
an injudicious parent in the very act of teaching 
piety towards God, calls into existence and activity, 
the very tempers which it is the design of religion 
to suppress. An angry and scolding father, with a 
catechism in one hand, and a rod in the other, rail- 
ing at a stubborn child, for not learning his lesson, 
is not a scene very calculated to invest religion 
with an air of loveliness and a power of attraction 
for young minds : the only association which in such 
a circumstance a child can be expected to form 
with learning to be pious, is that of a dark room 
or cane ; pain of body and insufferable disgust of 
mind. I would say to many a parent, " do give over 
the business of teaching religion, till you can com- 
mand your temper and attract the child to the sub- 
ject as that which is agreeable." Never set religious 
tasks to your children, as penalties for bad conduct. 
To be made to learn catechism or scripture, in sol- 
itary confinement, and upon an empty stomach, and 
thus to connect imprisonment and fasting with the 
penance, is a sure way to finish the aversion, which 
the rod has commenced. Instead of compelling a 
child to learn religion, because he is naughty, which 
is reversing the order of things ; he ought not to 
be permitted to touch so holy a thing in so evil a 
temper. 

Instruction, to be valuable, must always be de- 
livered with great seriousness. The light and tri- 
fling way in which it is sometimes delivered, de- 
stroys all its effect, and reduces it to the level of a 
mere science. It ought not to be exclusively con- 
fined to the Sabbath, but be the business of every 
day ; yet it should be especially attended to on the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



121 



day of rest, when the family should be interrogated, 
as to what they understand and remember of the 
sermons they have heard in the house of God. Chil- 
dren cannot too early be made to comprehend the 
purpose for which they go up to public worship, and 
that they have a personal interest in all the sacred 
services of our religious assemblies. No parent 
who has a numerous family, and who resides in a 
large town, where much time must necessarily be 
occupied in going to, and returning from his place 
of worship, should attend the house of God more 
than twice on the sabbath: the other part of the day 
should be occupied in the midst of his family. This 
is far too generally neglected in this day of over- 
much preaching. 

Instruction should be adapted to the capacity of 
the children, and keep pace in depth and variety, with 
the strengthening of their faculties. Provide for 
them suitable books ; and as they advance in age, 
enter with them more into the depths of theological 
truth ; unfold to them the beauty, the grandeur and 
sublimity of revelation ; instruct them in the evi- 
dences of the bible ; the proofs of its fundamental 
doctrines. I am not very fond of boys and girls 
writing religious themes, or conducting any re- 
searches of a religious nature, as a mere exercise of 
ingenuity, except their minds are already well dis- 
posed towards religion as a matter of personal 
experience. 

2. Persuasion, admonition, and warning, are 
a very important part of religious education. 

The apostles, " knowing the terrors of the Lord," 
persuaded men ; they besought them to be reconciled 
to God; and warned them of the consequences of 
unbelief. Parents must do the same with their chil- 
dren, and not satisfy themselves with merely com- 
municating ideas. They should, in the most earn- 
est, anxious, affectionate manner, represent to them 
their spiritual condition, warn them of th© conse- 
11 



122 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



quences of neglecting the great salvation, and in- 
treat them to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and 
fear God. They should address them collectively 
and individually, on the subject of their souls' con- 
cerns ; they should manifest such a deep solicitude 
for their spiritual welfare, as would constrain their 
children to feel, that the most anxious desire of their 
parent's heart, in reference to them, was for their 
salvation. This should not however be done merely 
when their children have offended them, nor should 
they, on every slight occasion of misconduct, have 
a ready recourse to the terrors of the Lord. Pa- 
rental authority must not be supported exclusively by 
the thunders of heaven, or the torments of hell. 

These subjects should never be referred to, but 
in seasons of solemn and affectionate admonition. 
It would also be prudent not to be so frequent in 
the business of admonition, warning and persuasion, 
as to excite nausea and disgust. Many good, but 
injudicious people, completely overdo the matter, 
and defeat their own purpose; they worry their chil- 
dren on the subject of religion, and thus increase 
the aversion that is already felt. Nothing in the 
way of bitter reproach, or of railing accusation, for 
the want of piety, should ever be uttered; nor should 
anger ever be manifested. In the case of elder 
branches of the family, a word or two occasionally 
spoken, and always in great mildness and tender- 
ness, is all that is desirable. Incessant remonstrance, 
is in such instances, likely to be heard with indiffer- 
ence, if not with dislike. Such young people should 
be left pretty much to their own judgment and con- 
science, and to the force of parental example. 

3. Discipline is unspeakably important. We 
have considered the father as the prophet of his fam- 
ily, we are now to view him as their king ; and his 
laws are as important as his instructions. By disci- 
pline, then, I mean the maintenance of parental 
authority, and the exercise of it, in the way of re- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



123 



straining and punishing offences. Parents, you are 
invested by God himself with an almost absolute 
authority ; you are constituted by him the supreme 
magistrate of your household, and cannot have a 
right idea of your situation, without considering 
yourself as appointed to rule. You must be the 
sovereign of the house, allowing no interference 
from without, no resistance from within. You have 
no option in the matter, and are not permitted to 
abdicate the throne, or to cast away your sceptre. 
It was mentioned as a high commendation of Abra- 
ham, that he would command his children after him. 
But although you are to be absolute monarch, unit- 
ing in yourself the legislative and executive depart- 
ment, you are to be no tyrant. Your government 
must be firm, but mild : the love of the parent must 
not relax the reins of the go vernor, nor the authori- 
ty of the governor diminish aught from the love of 
the parent. You must have a sceptre, and always 
hold it, but it must not be an iron one. You must 
never suffer the yoke to be thrown off from your 
children, but then it must be a yoke which they 
shall have no inclination to throw off, because it is 
easy, and the burden light. Of you in your meas- 
ure, it should be said, as it is of God, 

" Sweet majesty, and awful love, 
" Sit smiling on his brow." 

Your authority must be presented to your chil- 
dren as soon as reason is awake. The first thing a 
child should be made to understand, is, that he is to 
do, not what he likes, but what he is commanded : 
that he is not to govern, but to be governed. The 
sceptre should be seen by him before the rod ; and 
an early, judicious and steady exhibition of the 
former, would render tUe latter almost unnecessary. 
He must be made to submit, and that while young, 
and then submission will become a habit : the reins 
must be felt by him early, and he will thus learn to 



124 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



obey them. All commands should be reasonable : 
there should be no wanton, capricious use of au- 
thority; we must not thwart and cross the wills of 
our children merely to teach submission. They 
should perceive clearly that love is at the bottom of 
all we do, and that reason guides all our conduct. 
We should calculate before hand, whether there is 
a necessity for the injunction we are about to deliv- 
er, and a probability of our being able to ensure 
compliance ; for a wise parent will not enjoin any 
thing, if he can help it, that has not these circum- 
stances connected with it. Commands should be 
sacred things, not issued in sport, for the child to 
play with. Nothing but what is wise should be en- 
joined, and every injunction that is issued shoul<^be 
obeyed. In many cases, it is beyond our power to 
ensure obedience : and then nothing remains but 
punishment. 

Correction is an essential part of discipline ; for 
rewards and punishments are as necessary in the 
government of a family, as in that of a state. What 
saith the wisest of men ? a Foolishness is bound up 
in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will 
drive it far from him. Withhold not correction 
from the child ; for if thou beatest him with a rod, 
he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with a rod, 
and shalt deliver his soul from hell. The rod and 
the reproof give wisdom : but a child left to himself 
bringeth his mother to shame." Do not many moth- 
ers know this by bitter experience ? Even in lesser 
matters, have they not a thousand times blushed at 
the rudeness, ill manners, and impertinence of chil- 
dren " left to themselves and in greater matters, 
have they not lived to vent the heaviest reproaches 
upon their most abject folly, in spoiling their chil- 
dren by leaving them to. their own obstinate tem- 
pers, self will, and rebellious conduct, without ever 
correcting them : "correct thy son, and he shall give 
thee rest ; yea, he shall give thee the delight of thy 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



125 



soul." Inimitably beautiful precept ; and as true as 
it is beautiful. " He that spareth the rod, hateth 
his son." How many are there who thus hate their 
children ? a very strong expression, I admit : and 
yet these very persons would be thought the fondest 
of parents. Would you suffer your children's bodies 
to perish, rather than put them to pain in eradicat- 
ing a disease, which, if suffered to remain, would be 
fatal ? Would not this be hating them ? And what 
do you call that conduct, which, rather than put 
them to pain by correcting their faults, suffers all 
kinds of moral diseases to increase, and fester, and 
corrupt the soul ? Fond mother, you that will 
n^ T er correct a child, hear the charge, and let it 
thrill through your heart, exciting emotions of hor- 
ror — you are a hater of your child ; your foolish 
love is infanticide ; your cruel embraces are hugging 
your child to death. In not correcting him, you are 
committing sin of the heaviest kind, and your own 
wickedness in not correcting him, will at last cor- 
rect yourself. 

I would not, however, be thought to enjoin a 
cruel or even a stern and rigid severity. I do not 
think this compatible with the admonition given by 
the Apostle, not to irritate, nor " provoke our chil- 
dren to wrath, lest they be discouraged." We must 
not govern by punishment : the* sceptre must not be 
converted into a whip. The first object o£, every 
parent should be to render punishment unnecessary. 
It is better t^revent crimes than punish them. 
This can be done, certainly, to a very considerable 
extent, but it requires a very early, very judicious 
and very watchful system of training. Many have 
very little, of what may be called, the faculty of 
government ; and late coercion and punishment, 
come in to supply the place of early guidance. [The 
only time is suffered to go by without being im- 
proved, in which it is possible, in most cases, so to 
train the disposition, as to do in future without 



126 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



much punishment, for if discipline, wise, steady, 
firm discipline, do not commence as soon as the 
passions begin to develope, it is too late then to be 
accomplished without some degree of severity. 

Mr. Anderson strikingly illustrates this part of the 
subject, by a very familiar allusion : 61 1 recollect 
hearing of two coaches which used to drive into 
Newmarket from London, by a certain hour, at a 
time of strong competition. The horses of the 
coach which generally came in first, had scarcely a 
wet hair. In the other, though last, the horses 
were jaded and heated to excess, and had the ap- 
pearance of having made great efforts. The reader 
perhaps, understands the cause of the difference. 
The first man did it all of course, by the reins : the 
second, unsteady in himself, or unskilful in the reins, 
had induced bad habits, and then employed the 
whip ; but he could never cope with the other. So 
it will ever hold in all government. If obedience 
to the reins is found to be most pleasant in itself, 
and even the road to enjoyment, then obedience will 
grow into a habit and become, in fact, the choice of 
the party." 

This, then, is the first thing to be attended to, 
acquire skill in the management of the reins ; gov- 
ern by guiding, not by forcing. But still, there 
are many, very many cases, in which the reins alone 
will not prove to be enough ; the whip is wanted, 
and where it is wanted, it ought to be supplied. Not 
that I mean to enforce a system of corporeal punish- 
ment ; no : this may be necessary occasionally, as an 
experiment in difficult cases, but as a system it is bad 
and unavailing, and is usually the resource of pas- 
sionate, ignorant, or indolent parents and masters. 
We should from the dawn of reason, endeavor to 
make our children feel, that our favor is their rich- 
est reward for good conduct, our displeasure the 
severest rebuke for misbehavior. Happy the par- 
ent, who has attained to such skill in government, 



A KELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



127 



as to guide with a look, to reward with a smile, and 
to punish with a frown. 

Occasions, I admit, sometimes do occur, and not 
unfrequently, in which the interposition of a severer 
chastisement becomes necessary ; and these are the 
emergencies which require the full stretch of pa- 
rental wisdom. Take the following rules for your 
guidance. — Never chastise in a state of wrath. 
Some parents can never punish, except when it ought 
never to be done, when they are angry. This is 

Rion, not principle ; and will always appear to the 
|fe if it were intended, more to appease and 
BT^the parent's bad temper, than to promote his 
welfare. No parent, in such a state of mind, can 
be in a condition nicely to adjust the kind and de- 
gree of punishment to the, offence; it is like ad- 
ministering medicine scalding hot, which rather 
burns than cures. God waited till the cool of the 
evening, before he came down to arraign, try, and 
punish our first parents after their fall. 

Patiently examine the offence before you punish 
it. In every case, let there be the solemnity of ju- 
dicial investigation ; for justice always should pro- 
ceed with a slow and measured step. Accurately 
discriminate between sins of presumption, and sins 
of ignorance or inadvertence. Accidents should be 
reproved, but not punished, unless they involve wil- 
ful disobedience. Most wisely and equitably ap- 
portion the sentence to the degree of offence and 
the disposition of the offender. Ingenuous con- 
fession, and sincere penitence, should in most cases 
arrest the process of judgment, and the child be 
made to punish himself by remorse. Satisfy not 
yourselves till you have produced repentance, for till 
you have done this, scarcely any thing is done. Hat- 
red of the sin on the part of the offender, is a much 
more effectual preservative from its repetition, than 
fear of punishment. Do not keep instruments of 
punishment, such as the rod or the cane, constantly 



128 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



in sight, for this is to govern by fear, rather than by 
Jove. Be very cautious not to threaten what you 
either do not intend, or are not able to inflict ; yea, 
forbear threatening as much as possible. A par- 
ent's denouncement should not be hastily uttered 
for children to laugh at. In the case of older chil- 
dren, the greatest caution is necessary, in expressing 
a parent's displeasure : reasonable expostulation^ 
mild rebuke, tender reproof, appeals to their under- 
standing and feelings and conscience, are all that 
can be allowed in this instance. If beatinj^^ 
does good, it is only in infancy ^before the^ 
standing can be made sufficiem'ly^'rt*^^^ 
heinousness of the offenc^r^eulier wards it can only 
provoke and harden. * Through the whole course of 
discipline and government, let parents ever remem- 
ber, that their children are rational creatures and 
are to be dealt with as such, by having the grounds 
of obligation laid open to them, the criminality of 
disobedience explained, and the evils of insubor- 
dination laid before them. To a parent storming 
or fretting over the inemcacy of punishment, I 
would say, " Have you treated that child as a brute, 
or a rational creature ? Have you taken pains with 
him from infancy, to make him understand his obli- 
gations, and to comprehend the criminality of diso- 
bedience ; or have you governed him by threatening 
and beating ?" I again say, that where necessary pun- 
ishment is withheld, it is a hating of the child; but 
the great object should be to render punishment 
unnecessary. Put the reins of guidance upon the dis- 
position while your children are infants, and acquire 
great skill in these ; and if you manage the reins 
well, you will have less need of the whip. 

It is of vast consequence, that parents should be 
very careful not to foster by injudicious treatment, 
those very propensities, which when more fully de- 
veloped, they will find it necessary to repress by dis- 
cipline. Do not encourage lying and ill nature, by 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



129 



smiling at a false, or malignant expression, because 
it is cleverly said. Nor nourish pride by excessive 
flattery of commendation. Nor vanity, by loading 
them with finery, and both admiring them, and 
teaching them to admire themselves. Nor revenge, 
by directing them to vent their impotent anger upon 
the persons or things that have injured them. Nor 
cruelty, by permitting them to torture insects or 
animals. Nor insolence and oppression, by allow- 
ing them to be rude to servants. Nor envy, by stim- 
ulating too powerfully the principle of emulation. 
Jkii^ mischief is done by thus thoughtlessly en- 
Hig the growth of many of the germs of vice. 
^WK*pline, to-be .effectual, should be steady and 
unvarying, not fitful and capricious : it must be a sys- 
tem which, like the atmosphere, shall press always, 
and every where upon its sHfojects. Occasional fits 
of severity, however violent, but which are followed 
by long intermissions of relaxing indulgence, can 
do no good, and may do much harm. Each extreme 
is mischievous, and each prepares for the mischief 
of the other. Both parents shouh 1 join to support 
domestic authority ; for a more truly distressing and 
injurious spectacle can scarcely be seen in the fam- 
ily circle, than a fond and foolish mother, counter- 
acting the effects of paternal chastisement, by steal- 
ing to the little prisoner in his captivity, to comfort 
him in his distress, to wipe away his tears, and to 
hush his sorrows, by some gratification of his pal- 
ate. In this Avay children have been sometimes 
hardened in their crimes, set against their father, 
and led to ultimate and irretrievable ruin. 

Wonder not that I have placed discipline under 
the head of religious education ; for, is it not the 
object of domestic government to bend, as far as 
means can do it, the will of a child into submission 
to the authority of a wise and holy parent ? And 
what is sin against God, but the resistance of a 
weaker will against that which is supreme and di- 



130 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ra- 



vine ? Now surely it may be conceived to be in the 
order of God's appointed means of bringing the 
child into subjection to himself, to bring him first 
into subjection to his parents. Can any one be in a 
state of mind more hardened against religion, more 
opposed to all its just and salutary restraints, than 
he who rejects the mild yoke of parental govern- 
ment, and sets at defiance the authority of a father ? 
Obedience to parents is one of the laws of heaven, 
and the first of all its laws, which the mind of an 
infant can be made to understand ; and if 
enforce it as they should do, with a direct i 
to the appointment of God, they are certa 
ing a preliminary step, so far as means ca 
ployed, for the formation of the religious character. 

4. Example is necessary to give power and in- 
fluence to all other means. 

One of the tritest of all proverbs, is the power of 
example ; but its force is greatest upon the youthful 
mind; " during the minority of reason, imitation is 
the regent of the soul, and they who are least sway- 
ed by argument, are most governed by example." 
We all learn of this preceptor, before we can rea- 
son, yea, before we can speak. If then we would 
have our children live in the fear of God, we must 
ourselves be seen by them, steadily walking in the 
way of his commandments. In alluring them to 
religion, we must be enabled to say, " Follow me." 
Our religion should not only be upon the whole 
sincere, but it should be visible : our light should 
shine before our family, that they seeing our good 
works, might glorify God. But for our religion to 
produce any effect, it must be eminent : there must 
be no doubt, no uncertainty about the matter ; it 
must not be a thing of a questionable nature. It 
should be consistent. I remember once conversing 
with a man of great eminence for station, talents, 
and piety, who said to me : "I owe every thing, un- 
der God, to the eminent and consistent piety of my 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



131 



father. When I was a young man, though I was 
not vicious, I was worldly ; and in order the more 
effectually to get rid of all interference with my 
pursuits, from religion, I wished to think it all mere 
profession and hypocrisy. For this purpose, I most 
narrowly watched the conduct of my father ; for 
such was the height on which he stood as a profes- 
sor of religion, that I very naturally concluded, if I 
could convict him of such inconsistency as amounted 
to a proof of hypocrisy, and a little thing would at 
that time have sufficed for such a purpose, I should 
have gained my end, and have concluded that all 
piety was but a name and a delusion. But so thor- 
oughly consistent was he, that I could find nothing 
in the smallest degree at variance with his charac- 
ter as a professor of religion. This kept its hold 
upon me. I said to myself, there must be a reality 
here, and I must try to understand and feel it ; for I 
have seen such meekness in a temper naturally irri- 
table, such comfort amidst the greatest agonies, and 
all this supported by such uniform devotion, that I 
must try to catch his spirit." This beautiful in- 
stance of the influence of parental example, is, per- 
haps, not altogether unique, though in all its cir- 
cumstances, perhaps rarely equalled. 

Children have their eyes always upon their 
parents, and are quick to discern any violations of 
consistency. If, notwithstanding our profession of 
religion, they see us as worldly minded, as grasping 
and anxious after riches, as solicitous to be sur- 
rounded by splendid furniture, luxurious gratifica- 
tions, and fashionable habits, as the people of the 
world ; — if they see the righteous rarely at our table, 
except when they are great people, or popular char- 
acters, but observe there the gay, the fashionable, 
the ungodly ; — if they witness us artful, implacable 
or malicious ; — if they know us to be cruel or neg- 
lectful to our wives, unkind and oppressive to our 
servants, cold and tyrannical to them ; — if they wit- 



132 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ness us inconstant in our attendance upon private, 
family, or public worship — what can they conclude, 
but that our religion is mere profession ? In such a 
case, of how little service is our attempt to impress 
upon their minds those claims, which we ourselves 
practically deny ? It were far better for some pa- 
rents to say nothing to their children about religion, 
for, till they alter their own conduct, their admoni- 
tions can produce no other effect, than to excite in- 
sufferable disgust. It is enough to make every pa- 
rent tremble, to think what a parent should be. 

And there should be consistency also, between 
our profession, and our conduct, in reference to our 
families. We avow it to be our supreme and ulti- 
mate desire, that they should be truly pious ; and we 
tell them so. Do we in all things act agreeably to 
this principle ? Do we select schools and situations ; 
books and companions; pursuits and occupations, in 
reference to this desire ? Do we in our general con- 
versation with them, and before them, support this 
declaration ? Do not our children sometimes reason 
thus ? — u My parents tell me, that their chief anxiety 
is for my salvation, and the formation of my relig- 
ious character ; but how does this comport with their 
selecting for me a school where religion is the last 
thing attended to ? With their instructing me in 
some things, which, as religious people, I hear them 
condemn ? How is it, that all the anxiety of their 
conduct, whatever their words may say, appears to 
be, to make me a fine lady, that can dance well, 
and exhibit an elegant form, and display polished 
manners ? I am told that religion is the first thing, 
but I am educated for the world." Ah, if we act 
thus, we are not training up our children in the way 
they should go. Without example, every thing else 
that we do, is most lamentably deficient: as has 
been often said, it is only pointing them the way to 
heaven, but leading them in the way to hell. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



133 



5. Diligent, constant, and careful inspection 
is a most important parental duty. 

There should be in every family, a system of do- 
mestic episcopacy. Parents should be watchful in 
all things. This is the way to preserve the good 
seed of instruction which is sown, and to prevent 
the enemy from sowing tares, which he is ever 
wakeful to do when the parent is asleep. This is a 
very difficult, but a very necessary duty. We must 
never allow any engagements whatever, to take off, 
long together, our eye from our children. As soon 
as their character begins to unfold, we should most 
carefully watch its developement, that we may know 
what regimen to place it under. We should study 
their propensities, capacities and tendencies. We 
should watch them in play, in their intercourse with 
each other, with servants, w r ith their companions, 
and when they are not dreaming that our attention 
is directed towards them : for character is decided 
by incidents, which a superficial mind would deem 
too minute to be noticed. We should see how they 
behave after punishment and reward : in short, their 
whole character should be studied and inspected by 
us with the most minute and anxious care ; just as 
the different plants in a nursery are investigated by 
a gardener, that he may know the peculiar nature 
which each possesses, and the appropriate treatment 
which each requires. 

We should also inspect our family go as to know 
what good or evil is going on among them ; whether 
the good seed is growing, and what tares are spring- 
ing up. Like the farmer going out to inspect his 
fields, or the gardener his trees, to ascertain what 
prospect there is of a crop, and what weeds are to 
be eradicated, what vermin to be destroyed, what 
gaps to be stopped to keep out enemies, what ex- 
crescences to be removed, what assistance to be af- 
forded ; so must the parent be and act among his 
children. One is growing up with a propensity to 



134 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



pride, he must be taught with great care, the beauty 
and excellence of humility ; a second is vain of per- 
sonal decorations and acquirements, she must have 
such folly exposed, and be saved from its injurious 
influence upon her character ; a third is artful, 
equivocating and deceitful, he must have the enor- 
mity of lying unfolded to him, and be encouraged 
to practice more frankness, ingenuousness, and re- 
gard to truth ; one is remarkably curious, and needs 
to have this inquisitiveness checked : another dull, 
and needs to have it stimulated ; one is skeptical, 
and is in danger of infidelity ; another credulous, 
and is in peril of imposition. Now there must be a 
constant scrutiny carried on by the parent, to ascer- 
tain these peculiarities, and manage them accord- 
ingly. 

Inspection must extend to every thing. To the 
servants that are admitted into the house ; for how 
much injury might be done to the youthful mind, 
by an unprincipled and artful servant. The com- 
panions of our children should be most narrowly 
watched : one bad associate may ruin them for ever. 
The very first workings of the social impulse, even 
in a boy or girl of five or six years of age, should 
be noticed, for even thus early may evil impressions 
be produced by companionship. At the risk of of- 
fending the nearest relative, or most endeared friend 
he has upon earth, a christian parent ought not to 
suffer his children to associate with those, who are 
likely to do them harm. On this account, domestic 
education is decidedly to be preferred, where it can 
be obtained, to schools. A system of extensive and 
dreadful mutual corruption is oftentimes going on 
among young people, before it is perceived. 

Parents should most carefully inspect the reading 
of their children, and keep out of their way all cor- 
rupting books, and indecent pictures. And how 
deeply is it to be deplored, that our newspapers are 
oftentimes so polluted with filthy details of disgust- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



135 



ing occurrences and trials, as to be channels through 
which moral contamination flows into many a fam- 
ily, otherwise well guarded. It becomes a serious 
question, whether it is the duty of a christian, who 
has sons and daughters growing up, to allow a news- 
paper to come into his house. Newsrooms, on this 
account, are to be decidedly preferred. 

The recreations of children should be watched, 
and no games be allowed that are immodest, or 
likely to foster a spirit of gambling. 

For want of this diligent, careful, and universal 
inspection, the best instructions, the most earnest 
warnings, the most fervent prayer, and the most 
consistent example, have been in some cases, una- 
vailing : and the children left to themselves, and to 
the corrupting influence of others, have grown up, 
their parents' misery, and their own disgrace. 

6. Prayer must crown all. 

This duty commences with the birth of a child, 
nay, before that event ; for in the very prospect of 
its birth, there should be earnest prayer offered to 
God by the parent, for divine grace to discharge all 
those obligations, which the expected babe will 
bring upon the conscience of the father and mother. 
And from that time forward till the death of either 
parent or child, earnest, secret, believing prayer, 
should never cease to be daily presented for our 
offspring. Our prayers should principally respect 
the spiritual welfare of our children. Daily we 
should wrestle with God for their eternal salvation. 
How little can ior do at most for their welfare, and 
how ineffectual without God's blessing, is all we do, 
or can do. That parent has neglected a very impor- 
tant branch of his duty, who has suffered one single 
day to pass by, without bearing his children upon 
his heart before God in private prayer. Who can 
subdue their tempers, or change their hearts, but 
God ? And though in a way of sovereignty, he con- 
fers his grace upon some who neither seek it them- 



136 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



selves, nor have it sought for them by their friends, 
yet we are not authorised to expect it without prayer. 

It is necessary, also, not only to pray for our 
children, but with them. We should take them 
apart each by himself to commend them to God, 
and thus make them the witnesses of our deep so- 
licitude, and our intense agony for their eternal 
welfare. If they have been disobedient and wicked, 
it may be well, when they are brought to a right 
mind, and when we ourselves have forgiven them, 
to conduct them to the throne of divine grace, to 
beg for them the divine forgiveness : but this must 
never be done as a punishment, for this is the way 
to make them dread a parent's prayers, as a visita- 
tion of his displeasure. 

But besides this, there must be family prayer. 

The necessity and propriety of this, arise out of 
the constitution of the family ; and were it not en- 
joined in the word of God, either by precept or ex- 
ample, would still be binding upon the conscience 
of every parent , by the relation in which he stands 
to his family, and the extent of their dependance 
upon God. Do we not want family mercies ; and 
who can give them but God ? So obviously obliga- 
tory is this duty, and so naturally does its perform- 
ance arise out of all our conjoint feelings as parents 
and as christians, that those who neglect it, cannot 
even pretend to feel the right influence of godliness. 

No duty, however, has been more abused than 
this. By some it is only occasionally performed ; it 
is taken up perhaps in times of domestic distress 
or solicitude : by others it is attended to on a sab- 
bath evening ; and by many, very many others it is, 
though regularly observed, nothing but a mere life- 
less form, and thus felt not only to be insipid but a 
mere burden. The following directions may be of 
service to guide the heads of families in this most 
interesting branch of domestic duty. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. >-- 137 



1. It should be offered up morning and evening, 
thus beginning and closing every day. 

*2. It should be observed with the greatest regu- 
larity, and an uninterrupted constancy. What a 
disgrace to a parent is it, for a child or a servant to 
say "are we to have prayer this evening ?" And 
yet, are there not some families in which the prac- 
tice is so irregular, as to leave the matter doubtful, 
till the bell rings ? 

3. All the members of the family should be pre- 
sent, except very young children, who cannot be 
made to sit still, and whose inquietude and restless- 
ness are a disturbance to all the rest, and utterly 
destroy the solemnity of the service. 

4. It should be attended to so early in the morn- 
ing as not to subject the service to the intrusion and 
interruption of visiters and secular business ; and so 
early in the evening, as not to be rendered the 
mere form of a drowsy circle, who ought at that 
time to be in bed. It is an offence to the Almighty, 
to conduct a family into his awful presence, merely 
to sleep there. 

6. There should be a fixed hour, and the hour 
should be most sacredly kept, and not be interfered 
with, except at the dictate of necessity. In order 
to this, the heads of families should not sup from 
home, nor yield to the modern practice of late vis- 
iting. The fashionable hours often or eleven o'clock 
at night, are driving out evening prayer, and the 
eagerness of commercial pursuits, putting a stop in 
many families, to the morning sacrifice. 

6. A portion of holy scripture should be read, 
from the Old Testament, one part of the day, and 
from the New Testament, the other. A book should 
be read through in regular course, and not a chap- 
ter picked out, or stumbled upon by accident. The 
scriptures should be audibly read, and in a reveren- 
tial manner, and with a devotional spirit, for very 
great evils result from reading the scriptures in a 



138 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



careless, slovenly, and irreverent manner. It would 
be well for the parent to require the children and 
servants to bring their bibles with them, that the 
eye may help the ear, in fixing the attention of the 
mind. The domestic prophet should also accompa- 
ny what he reads with short explanatory and horta- 
tory remarks of his own, or the expository com- 
ments of others. 

7. Where there are persons in the family that 
can sing, family praise should ascend to heaven. 
The morning or evening hymn of a pious family, is 
one of the most touching sounds in our world. 

ee Lord, how delightful 'tis to see, 

tc A pious household worship thee, 

(t At once they sing, at once they pray, 

" They hear of heav'n, and learn the way.*' 

8. Then follows the prayer, which should be not 
so long as to weary, nor so short as to seem like a 
mere form : it should be fervent, for a dull, cold, 
heartless repetition of almost the same things in 
almost the same words, is sure to destroy all the in- 
terest of this delightful service, and to render it a 
mere form, which wearies and burdens, if it do not 
also disgust. How difficult is it to keep up the life 
and vigor of this engagement ! And why ? Because 
we do not keep up the life and vigor of our own 
personal religion. It is worthwhile to remark, that 
the habit of reverential reading the scriptures tends 
to feed the flame of devotion, and to kindle the fire 
of the sacrifice of prayer. The prayer of the head 
of a family, should be in a very peculiar degree, 
family prayer. It should respect the children, the 
servants, the circumstances of the household. All 
should feel that the service belongs to them, and 
not merely to the individual who prays, or to the 
church and the world. But fervor, and life, and 
earnestness, as opposed to what is dull and formal, 
is of immense consequence. A few petitions breath- 
ed forth with a fervor that kindles the fire of devo- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



139 



tion in all around, are far better than half an hour's 
talking about religion to God. 

Oh ! with what dignity, and grace, and sanctity, 
and authority, does a holy and fervent father rise 
from his knees, and take his seat in the midst of his 
family, while yet the rays of divine glory play upon 
discountenance. :c Children," says Dr. Dwight, 
" naturally regard a parent with reverence ; but they 
cannot fail to reverence him more or less, on ac- 
count of his personal character. Wherever they 
have been accustomed to behold their parent daily 
sustaining the office of minister or servant of God, 
they necessarily associate with every idea they form 
of his person and character, this solemn and impor- 
tant apprehension. Every image of this venerable 
relation presented to their rainds, will include in it, 
that of a divinely appointed guardian of their spir- 
itual concerns ; a guide to their duty, given them 
from above ; a venerated and beloved intercessor for 
their salvation." And the same writer, in speaking 
of family worship, says, " In the devotion of this 
little assembly, parents pray for their children, and 
children for their parents ; the husband for the wife, 
and the wife for the husband ; while brothers and 
sisters send up their requests to the throne of Infi- 
nite Mercy, to call down blessings on each other. 
Who that wears the name of a man can be indiffer- 
ent here ? Must not the venerable character of the 
parent, the peculiar tenderness of the conjugal 
union, the affectionate intimacy of the filial and fra- 
ternal relations ; must not the nearest of relations 
long existing, the interchange of kindness long con- 
tinued, and the oneness of interests long cemented, 
— all warm the heart, heighten the importance of 
every petition, and increase the fervor of every de- 
votional effort." 

It may now be proper to inquire, how it comes to 
pass that such a system as this is so often unsuccess- 
ful ? For it may, with very great propriety, because 



140 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



with truth, be affirmed, that the families of profes- 
sors, are not always, as might be expected, the nur- 
series of the church. It is not enough to resolve 
the matter into the sovereignty of divine grace, till 
we have inquired, whether any thing can be found 
in the conduct of parents, which can be said with 
truth, to account for the painful fact of irreligious 
children, being found in religious families. 

Have parents really adopted and pursued a judi- 
cious system of religious education ? Can it be said, 
that means, such as I have directed, or any thing at 
all like them, have been regularly pursued ? Has 
there been a deep, a constant solicitude for the eter- 
nal welfare of their children ? 

In the introduction of my volume, entitled, " A 
Christian Father's Present to his Children," I have 
stated the obstacles which often prevent the success 
of a religious education, and have enumerated the 
following : — 

1. Religious education is oftentimes very ignorant- 
ly, negligently, and capriciously maintained ; where 
it is not altogether omitted. It is not a, first object, 
it is attended to with no earnestness, no anxiety, no 
system, no regularity. It does not run through 
every thing, and is opposed by many things at va- 
riance with it. The parents' eye and heart are more 
intently fixed upon the worldly prosperity and re- 
spectability of the children, than on their religious 
character. 

2. The relaxation of domestic discipline is a 
powerful impediment in the way of success. There 
is, in some households, no family government, no 
order, no subordination. The children are kept 
under no restraint, but are allowed to do what they 
like ; their faults are unnoticed and unpunished, and 
their tempers allowed to grow wild and headstrong, 
till in fact, the whole family become utterly lawless, 
rebellious against parental authority, and unamiable 
to all around them. How many have had to curse 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



141 



the over-indulgence of fond and foolish parents. 
How many, as they have ruminated amidst the des- 
olations of poverty, or the walls of a prison, have 
exclaimed, u 0, my cruelly fond parents, had you 
exercised that authority with which God entrusted 
you, over your children, and had you checked my 
childish corruptions, and punished my boyish diso- 
bedience ; had you subjected me to the salutary 
restraint of wholesome laws, I had not brought you 
with a broken heart to your grave, nor myself with 
a ruined character to a jail." 

Over indulgence is awfully common, and contin- 
ually making shocking ravages in human charac- 
ter. It is a system of great cruelty to the children, 
to the parents themselves, and to society. This 
practice proceeds from various causes ; in some in- 
stances, from a perverted and systematic sentiment- 
alism ; in others, from absolute indolence, and a 
regard to present ease, which leads the silly mother 
to adopt any means of coaxing, and yielding, and 
bribing, to keep the young rebels quiet for the time; 
in others, from a mistake as to the time whqn re- 
straints should begin, or a spirit of procrastination, 
which leads parents to say, " I shall take them in 
hand by and by : there is no time lost, when their 
reason is a little more matured, I shall lay upon 
them more restraint ; and in some it is 1 mere ani- 
mal affection,' without the guidance of a particle 
of judgment, a mere instinct, like that which in the 
irrational tribes, leads to a blii^d and busy affection. 
It is not uncommon for parents to treat the first acts 
of puerile rebellion, rather as freaks to be smiled at, 
than as faults to be reformed. " 0," says the moth- 
er, " it is only play, he will know better soon. He 
does not mean any harm. I cannot chide him." 
No ; and if the father, wiser than herself, does, she 
cries, and perhaps, in the hearing of the child, re- 
proves her husband for cruelty. From whatever 
cause it proceeds, it is in the highest degree injuri- 



142 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ous to the character of the children ; let those who 
are guilty of it read the fearful comment on this sin, 
which is furnished for their warning, in the history 
of Eli and his family. 

3. Undue severity, is perhaps, more injurious 
than over-indulgence ; and it is, perhaps, a convic- 
tion of this, and an observation of the mischievous 
consequences of extreme rigor, that has driven many 
into the opposite extreme. I have seen the dreadful 
effects of parental tyranny, and the reign of house- 
hold terror, in the broken spirits, the reckless des- 
peration, the hardened contumacy, or the deep and 
sullen melancholy of those who have been the sub- 
jects of these hard measures. It is a truly revolt- 
ing sight to see a father employing the iron rod of 
the oppressor to beat, and bruise, and crush the 
minds of his own offspring into the most abject sub- 
mission. He may succeed, but let him not wonder 
if at the same time that he has suppressed rebellion, 
he has extinguished affection. I have known pa- 
rents, who, too late have seen their error, and who 
would give the world, did they possess it, if it were 
possible to do away the ill effects which their sever- 
ity had produced in the character of their children : 
but the mischief was irreparable. No subsequent 
kindness could expand the heart, which they had 
closed for ever against them, or win that confidence 
which they had repulsed from them. A close, sul- 
len, melancholy disposition had been nurtured : a 
susceptibility to the emotions of wretchedness had 
been planted in the bosom, which no future tender- 
ness on the part of the parent could remove. He 
saw it, and repented it, but could not alter it. " Ye 
fathers, provoke not then, your children to anger, 
lest they should be discouraged." This language is 
really very striking, and well deserves the serious 
attention of every parent. 

4. The inconsistent conduct of parents who are 
professors of religion, is a great hindrance to the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



success of religious instruction. Many persons have 
no need to wonder that their children are not pious ; 
it would have been a wonder with every body else 
if they were, for they have seen nothing at home, 
but what was calculated to disgust them with re- 
ligion. They would have been far more likely to 
have thought well of the ways of godliness, if their 
parents had said nothing about them. 

5. The bad conduct of an elder branch of a 
family, often counteracts all the efforts made for the 
benefit of the rest. Let parents see the import- 
ance of beginning upon a good system. Children 
are creatures of imitation, and the models they copy 
after, are their elder brother or sister. A mother 
should educate the character of her first child, 
with the recollection, that he will be a pattern 
which the rest will, in all probability, more or less 
conform to. I do not think this has been sufficient- 
ly considered. 

6. Partiality has a very corrupting and fatal in- 
fluence. The history of the patriarch Jacob, first 
the victim, and afterwards the subject of this sin, 
will remain for ever, a warning to all parents against 
the dangers of domestic favoritism. The balances 
of government must be held in every family, by 
even handed justice, or misery is sure to ensue. 
Envy and jealousy are the natural consequences of 
partiality. Father and mother are sometimes em- 
broiled, the children are set against each other, and 
all conspire against the favorite. 

Behold these obstacles, and avoid them. 

And now, can motives be necessary to admonish 
christian parents to the diligent performance of their 
duty ? If so, take the following : — 

1 . Are you zealous for the cause of religion in 
the world, for the prosperity of Zion, for the inter- 
est of the Redeemer, for theglory of God ? Be dil- 
igent and anxious to train up your children in the 
nurture and admonition of the Lord. Would you 



144 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



have them the enemies, or the friends of God and 
his cause ? Dare you pretend to be the disciples of 
Christ, if this is a matter of indifference to you ? 
If you are neglectful in this matter, you may expect 
to see your offspring united with the children of this 
world, if not with infidels, scoffers or the profane. 
But if you are anxious and conscientious to train 
them up for God, that daughter over whom you 
watch with such parental care and tenderness, may 
be joined with the female worthies, who by their 
chaste conversation, and the ornament of a meek and 
quiet spirit, and their zeal for the cause of Christ, 
have done so much to diffuse religion in the world. 
That son whom you now train with such holy soli- 
citude, for future usefulness, as a disciple of the Sa- 
viour, may become eminent in the church, as a con- 
sistent and intelligent member, or an able and faith- 
ful minister : " Many a congregation," says Baxter, 
"that is happily fed with the bread of life, may thank 
God for the endeavors of some poor man or woman, 
that trained up a child in the ways of God, to be- 
come their holy and faithful teacher." The church 
of God looks to the families of the righteous, and 
expects and asks from thence, those supplies which 
are to recruit its members, and to repair the ravages 
of death. 

2. I urge this duty by a due regard to the tem- 
poral and eternal welfare of your children. You 
love your children, and would deem it a most cruel 
and insulting insinuation to have your affection for 
a moment questioned. But do what you will for 
them ; devote as you may the energies of body and 
mind ; the sleep of your nights and the activities of 
your days to your children's comfort : wear out 
your strength in ceaseless labor and solicitude, and 
yet at the same time neglect the religious education 
of your children, you are guilty of a species of most 
horrid cruelty towards them, the bitter consequences 
of which may begin in this world in profligacy and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



145 



vice, and extend to the other in all the bitter pains 
of eternal death. Unrestrained by sentiments of 
piety, uncontrolled by a conscience, which has never 
been enlightened, what is to prevent them from 
being plunged into infamy by their unbridled pas- 
sions ? Have not many young men at the hulks, in 
the land of exile, or at the gallows, and many un- 
happy females when closing in misery a course of 
infamy, cursed their parents for not giving them a 
religious education ? But even though they live and 
die in worldly honor and respectability, what w r ill 
this do for them amidst the sorrows of life, the ago- 
nies of death, the solemnities of judgment, and the 
torments of perdition. Hear them as they stand 
shuddering and affrighted on the brink of that gulf 
into which they are about to plunge. u Of w r hat 
avail are the riches and honors and pleasures of the 
world, which my parents were so anxious to obtain 
for me ? Why did they not tell me that the salvation 
of my soul was of more importance to me as an im- 
mortal creature, than the possession of the universe? 
Cruel, cruel parents ! Fool that I was to.be blinded 
and rendered careless by you : but my self-reproach- 
es are now unavailing, I deservedly perish ; but my 
blood be upon the head of those that neglected me." 
Ah, cruel parents indeed, who neglect the religious 
education of their children : more cruel in some re- 
spects than Herod ; he slew the bodies of children, 
these murder souls ; he murdered the children of 
others, these murder their own ; he employed the 
agency of his servants, these do the work of slaugh- 
ter themselves. 

3. Do you regard your own comfort ? Do you 
love yourselves ? Are you anxious to avoid painful 
and incessant solicitude, bitter reflection, domestic 
disquietude, dreadful foreboding ? Then bring up 
your children with the most unvarying regard to 
their religious character. Should God crown your 
efforts with success, what a harvest of joys will you 
13 



146 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



reap even in this world. When you see your chil- 
dren enter the paths of wisdom, " thank God," you 
will exclaim, "my highest ambition has at length 
reached its object. My children are decided chris- 
tians. I am now no longer distressingly anxious for 
their future prospects in this life. In one way or 
other, God will provide for them. And as to eternity, 
they are safe." Who can describe the pure,, elevated 
felicity with which such parents mark the course 
of their children, in going from strength to strength 
in their progress to Zion. What a season of delight 
is that, when they publicly assume the profession of 
a christian, and connect themselves with the church! 
What joy is felt in beholding them at their side at 
the table of the Lord, and holding communion with 
them in the joys of faith and the anticipations of 
eternity. And what satisfaction is experienced in 
seeing them enrolling their names as the friends of 
God and man, and giving their support to those in- 
stitutions which are formed to promote the highest 
interests of the human race. As they grow in expe- 
rience, in usefulness, in respectability in the church, 
the parents' joy and gratitude are continually in- 
creasing, and they feel the honor of having sent 
such members into the fellowship of the faithful. 
Should God in the mysteries of his providence re- 
move them by an early death, you will be cheered 
amidst the agonies of separation, by their dying 
consolation ; their piety will wipe away your tears 
and be a balm to the wounds of your mind ; and 
when they have departed, you will solace yourselves 
with the healing thought, that they are gone to that 
w r orld of glory in which you will soon be reunited 
with them. Or should the order of nature be ob- 
served, and you precede them to the tomb, will not 
their presence and attentions in your dying chambre, 
be more soothing by the consideration, that they are 
so many saints, as well as children, ministering to 
your comfort ? Will not their piety give a sanctity 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



147 



and a sweetness to all the offices of their affection ? 
"I die," will be your expression, as like departing 
Jacob, you address yourselves to them, " but God 
will be with you, and we shall meet again where 
there will be no more death." 

But should you unhappily neglect their religious 
education, and they, through your neglect, should 
grow up without any due sense of the claims of 
God, is there not a danger of their becoming im- 
moral, as well as irreligious ? And how could you 
bear to witness, or to hear of their profligacy and 
vice, if at the same time, you were conscious that 
it was in a measure through your neglect ? Perhaps 
they maybe unkind and disobedient to you; for God 
may justly render that child a scourge to his parent, 
whose parent did not train him up in the ways of 
religion. 0 what scenes of domestic misery, what 
heart rending spectacles of confusion and wretch- 
edness, have profligate children occasioned in the 
families to which they belong ! How many have thus 
had their hearts suddenly broken, or their grey 
hairs brought down by the slow process of withering 
sorrow, to the grave : and the sting of all this, in 
some cases, has been the consciousness of parental 
neglect. No sin more heavily punishes itself, than 
this, nor mingles for its subject a more bitter cup. 
But then, the eternal consequences, oh the eternal 
consequences of this neglect ! See the heart-stricken 
parent, wringing his hands over the dying youth, 
who is departing without repentance. No, not a 
syllable escapes his lips that sounds like penitence : 
the father weeps, and prays, and entreats, but the son 
hearkens not, and dies, and makes no sign. Now in 
what a burst of agony does he give vent to his feel- 
ings over the corpse, from which the spirit has de- 
parted, but departed not to the mansions of the 
blest. " Oh, my son Absalom, my son, my son Ab- 
salom, would God 1 had died for thee, 0 Absa- 
lom, my son, my son." 



148 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. 



Or, in the event of your own death, what thorns 
will it plant in your pillow, with what deeper shades 
will it invest the descent to that dark valley, to re- 
flect that you had neglected the religious character 
of your children, and the eternal salvation of their 
immortal souls. 1 hen, amidst these fearful scenes, 
to awake to a sense of your duty, when it is too 
late, except by one parting admonition, to perform 
it. Then to see those around your bed, with whom 
you have been entrusted, but whom you have neg- 
lected. 

But there are other scenes more dreadful still. 
The faithless parent must meet his neglected chil- 
dren at the day of judgment, before the bar of God. 
Fearful will be the interview ; and to us, now, ut- 
terly inconceivable. No imagination can portray 
the scene, and I attempt it not. And then, eternity, 
oh ! eternity ! — who shall bring out from the secrets 
of that impenetrable state, the condition of children, 
lost in some measure, through the neglect of their 
parents ; and the condition of parents, hearing 
through everlasting ages, the imprecation and re- 
proaches of their own offspring, and all these im- 
precations and reproaches echoed back from their 
own conscience. But the picture is too appalling 
— and if the mere anticipation chills with horror, 
what must be its reality. 

Look for a few moments at a brighter scene, and 
anticipate the meeting, at the judgment day, of 
pious parents and children reclaimed, converted, 
saved, by the blessing of God upon their affection- 
ate solicitude, and judicious and persevering efforts 
for their eternal welfare : but this is as much too 
bright for the imagination, as the other is too ter- 
rific. It is glory, honor, and felicity too great to 
be imagined. And beyond all this, everlasting ages 
remain, for the child to be blessed with salvation, 
and the parent to be blessed with the consciousness 
of having been the happy instrument of eternal 
blessedness to his own offspring. 



CHAPTER V. 



THE DUTIES OF CHILDREN TO THEIR PARENTS. 

u Children, obey your parents in the Lord; for this is right. Honor thy 
father and mother ; which is the first commandment with promise; that it 
may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the earth." 

Ephes. vi. 1, 2, 3. 

M My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of 
thy mother ; bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about 
thy neck. When thou goest it. shall lead thee; when thou sleepest it shall 
keep thee; and when thou awakest it shall talk with thee." 

Proverbs vi. 20-22. 

" The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice; and he that begetteth 
a wise child shall have joy of him. Thy father and thy mother shall be 
glad, and she that bare thee shall rejoice." Proverbs xxiii. 24, 25. 

Perhaps there is no duty, the obligation of which 
are more generally acknowledged, than filial piety; 
none which in the performance yields greater pleas- 
ure, or which, if neglected, brings a more severe or 
righteous retribution. All nations, however sunk in 
barbarism or elevated by science, have admitted the 
strength and justice of parental claims, and the 
unhappy youth who resists them, stands convicted, 
condemned and reprobated before the tribunal of 
the world. On the other hand, an eminently duti- 
ful child is an object of delight, admiration and es- 
teem, to all who have an opportunity of witnessing 
his conduct ; lie goes through society surrounded 
by a glory purer than that of fame, and far more 
conducive to his own comfort ; he is a blessing to 
his parents, and is blessed himself. Children, may 
all of you be such : and for that purpose, I ask your 
most fixed attention to the statement of your duties, 
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150 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



as set before you in this chapter. The obligations 
of social life are reciprocal. If your parents owe 
to you all that I have enjoined upon them, how much 
do you owe to your parents ? I have been your ad- 
vocate with them, I now become theirs with you. 

Consider well the relation you sustain to your 
parents. There is a natural connexion between 
you, inasmuch as they are the instruments of your 
very existence ; a circumstance which of itself seems 
to invest them, as I have already said, with an almost 
absolute authority over you. The commonness, the 
universality of the tie, takes off the mind from con- 
templating its closeness, its tenderness, its sanctity. 
You are literally parts of themselves, and cannot 
dwell for a moment upon your descent, without be- 
ing struck, one should think, with the amazing and 
solemn weight of obligation that rests upon you 
towards a father and a mother. But consider, there 
is not only a natural, but in reference to duty, an 
instituted connexion between you ; Jehovah himself 
has interposed, and uniting the language of revela- 
tion with the dictates of reason, the force of au- 
thority, to the impulse of nature, has called you to 
filial piety, not only as a matter of feeling, but of 
principle. Study then the relationship, look nar- 
rowly and seriously at the connexion subsisting be- 
tween you. Weigh well the import of the word 
parent : think how much is implied in it towards 
its appropriate object, how many offices it contains 
in itself, — guardian, ruler, teacher, guide, benefac- 
tor, provider; what then must be the obliga- 
tions OF A CHILD ? 

The following is a brief summary of filial duties : 

1. You ought to love your parents. 

Love is the only state of mind from which all the 
other duties that you owe them can arise. By love, 
we mean complacency : and surely this is due to a 
father and mother. The very relation in which you 
stand to them demands this. If you are destitute 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



151 



of this, if you are without any propensity of heart 
towards them, you are in a strange and guilty state 
of mind. Till you are married, they ought, in most 
eases, to be the supreme objects of your earthly af- 
fections. It is not enough for you to be respectful 
and obedient, and even kind ; but, where there ex- 
ists no reasons for alienating your heart, you should 
be fond of them. It is of infinite importance that 
you should watch over the internal state of your 
mind, and not suffer dislike, alienation, or indiffer- 
ence, to extinguish your regards. Do not take up 
a prejudice against them, nor allow an unfavorable 
impression to be made upon your mind. Respect 
and obedience, if they do not spring from love, are 
valueless in their nature, and very precarious in 
their existence. 

If you love them, you will delight to be in their 
company, and take pleasure in being at home with 
them. It is painful to them to see that you are 
happier any where than at home, and fonder of any 
other society than theirs. No companion should be 
so valued by you as a kind father or mother. 

If you love them, you will strive in all things to 
please them. We are always anxious to please those 
whom we regard, and to avoid whatever would give 
them pain. If we are careless whether we please 
or displease any one, it is obviously impossible that 
we can have any affection for them. The essence 
of piety towards God is a deep solicitude to please 
him ; and the essence of filial piety, is a solicitude 
to please your parents. Young people, dwell up- 
on this single, simple thought: a child's pleasure 

SHOULD BE TO PLEASE HIS PARENTS. This is the 

essence of love, and the sum of all your duty. If 
you would adopt this rule, if you would write this 
upon your heart, if you would make this the stand- 
ard of your conduct, I might lay down my pen, for 
it includes every thing in itself. 0 that you could 
be brought to reason and to resolve thus : — " I am 



152 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



bound by every tie of God and man, of reason and 
revelation, of honor and gratitude, to do all I can 
to make my parents happy, by doing whatever will 
give them pleasure, and by avoiding whatever will 
give them pain. By God's help, I will from this 
hour study and do whatever will promote their com- 
fort. I will make my will to consist in doing theirs, 
and my earthly happiness to arise from making them 
happy. I will sacrifice my own predilections, and 
be satisfied with their choice." Noble resolution, 
and just and proper ! Adopt it, act upon it, and 
vou will never repent of it. Do not have any 
earthly happiness, that is indulged at the expense 
of theirs. 

If you love them, you will desire their good opinion. 
We naturally value the esteem of those to whom 
we are attached : we wish to be thought highly of 
by them ; and if we are quite careless about their 
respect for us, it is a sure sign we have no regard 
for them. Children should be desirous, and even 
anxious to stand high in the opinion of their parents; 
and nothing can be a more decisive proof of a bad 
disposition in a son or a daughter, than their being 
quite indifferent what their parents think of them. 
All love must be gone in such a case as this, and 
the youth is in the road to rebellion and destruc- 
tion *: commendation has lost its value, censure its 
efficacy, and punishment its power. 

2. Reverence is the next duty. 

" Honor ," saith the commandment, " thy father 
and mother." This reverence has respect to your 
feelings, your words, and your actions. It consists in 
part, of an inward consciousness of their superiority, 
and an endeavor to cherish a reverential frame of 
mind towards them, as placed by God over you. 
There must be high thoughts of their superiority, 
both natural and instituted, and a submission of the 
heart to their authority, in a way of sincere and pro- 
found respect, Even your love must be that which 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



153 



is exercised and expressed towards a superior. If 
there be no reverence of the heart, it cannot be ex- 
pected in the conduct. In all virtue, whether it be 
that higher kind which has respect to God, or that 
secondary kind, which relates to our fellow crea- 
tures, we must have a right state of heart ; for with- 
out this, virtue does not exist. 

Your words should correspond with the reveren- 
tial feelings of the heart. When speaking to them, 
your address, both in language and in tones, should 
be modest, submissive, and respectful : not loud, 
boisterous, impertinent, or even familiar : for they 
are not your equals, but your superiors. If at any 
time you differ from them in opinion, your views 
should be expressed, not with the flippancy and 
pertinaciousness of disputants, but with the meek 
inquisitiveness of pupils. Should they reprove, and 
even more sharply than you think is due, you must 
lay your hand upon your mouth, and neither answer 
them again, nor show resentment. Your reverence 
for them should be so great, as to impose a consid- 
erable restraint upon your speech in their company; 
for much is due to the presence of a parent. It is 
exceedingly offensive to hear a pert, clamorous, 
talkative young person, unchecked by the counte- 
nance of a father or mother, and engaging much of 
the conversation of a party to himself. Young per- 
sons should always be modest and retiring in com- 
pany, but more especially when their parents are 
there. You should also be careful about the man- 
ner of speaking of them to others. You should never 
talk of their faults, for this is like Ham's uncovering 
the nakedness of his father. You must not speak 
of them in a jocose or familiar manner, nor say any 
thing that would lead others to think lightly, or to 
suppose that you thought lightly of them. If they 
are attacked in their reputation, you are with promp- 
titude and firmness, though with meekness, to defend 
them, so far as truth will allow, and even if the charge 



154 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



be true, to make all the excuses that veracity will 
permit, and to protest against the cruelty of degra- 
ding your parents in your presence. 

Reverence should extend to all your behavior to- 
wards your parents. In all your conduct towards 
them, give them the greatest honor; let it be observ- 
ed by others that you pay them all possible respect, 
and let it also be seen by themselves, when there is 
no spectator near. Your conduct should always be 
under restraint, when they are within sight ; not the 
restraint of dread, but of esteem. How would you 
act if the king were in the room r Would you be 
as free, as familiar, as noisy, as when he had retired, 
or before he had entered ? I am of opinion, that pa- 
rents let down their dignity, and undermine their 
authority, by allowing the same rude and boisterous 
behavior in their presence, as in their absence. This 
should not be. When reason is expanding in chil- 
dren, they should be made to understand and feel 
the truth of what I have already affirmed, that there 
is an outward respect due to the very presence of a 
parent. All rude and noisy rushing in and out of a 
father or mother's company is unmeet. It is the 
etiquette of our court, that no one shall enter the 
royal presence, when the king is upon his throne, 
without obeisance ; nor in retiring, turn his back 
upon the throne. I do not ask for the same obse- 
quiousness in families, but I ask for the principle 
from which it arises, a respectful deference for au- 
thority. 

3. The next duty is obedience. 

" Children obey your parents," says the apostle in 
his epistle to the Colossians. This is one of the 
most obvious dictates of nature ; even the irrational 
creatures are obedient by instinct, and follow the 
signs of the parent beast, or bird, or reptile. Per- 
haps there is no duty more generally acknowledged 
than this. Your obedience should begin early : the 
younger you are, the more you need a guide and a 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



155 



ruler. It should be universal : " Children obey your 
parents," said the apostle, "in all things." The 
only exception to this, is when their commands are, 
in the letter or spirit of them, opposed to the com- 
mands of God. In this case, as well as in every 
other, we must obey God, rather than man. But 
even here your refusal to comply with the sinful 
injunction of a parent, must be uttered in a meek 
and respectful manner, so that it shall be manifest 
you are actuated by pure, conscientious motives, and 
not by a mere rebellious resistance of parental au- 
thority. Yonr obedience should have no other ex- 
ception than that which is made by conscience : in 
your situation, inclination and taste are out of the 
question; both must be crossed, opposed, and set 
aside when opposed to parental authority. It should 
be prompt. As soon as the command is uttered, it 
should be complied with. It is a disgrace to any 
child that it should be necessary for a father or a 
mother to repeat a command. You should even 
anticipate, if possible, their injunctions, and not wait 
till their will is announced in words. A tardy obe- 
dience loses all its glory. It should be cheerful. A 
reluctant virtue is no virtue at all. Constrained and 
unwilling obedience, is rebellion in principle ; it is 
vice clothed in the garment of holiness. God 
loveth a cheerful giver, and so does man. A child 
retiring from a parent's presence, muttering, sullen 
and murmuring, is one of the ugliest spectacles in 
creation : of what value is any thing he does, in such 
a temper as this ? It should be self-denying. You 
must give up your own wills, and sacrifice your own 
predilections, and perform the things that are dim- 
cult, as well as those that are easy. When a soldier 
receives a command, although he may be at home 
in comfort, and he is required to go at once into the 
field of danger, he hesitates not, he considers he has 
no option. A child has no more room for the grat- 
ification of self will than the soldier has ; he must 



156 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



obey. It should be uniform. Filial obedience is 
generally rendered without much difficulty when 
the parents are present, but not always with the 
same unreservedness, when they are absent. Young 
people, you should despise the meanness, and abhor 
the wickedness, of consulting the wishes, and obey- 
ing the injunctions of your parents, only when they 
are to witness your conduct. Such hypocrisy is de- 
testable. Act upon nobler principles. Let it be 
enough for you to know what is the will of a parent, 
to ensure obedience, even though continents laid, 
and oceans rolled between you and your father. 
Carry his injunction with you every where ; let the 
voice of conscience be to you, instead of his voice, 
and the consciousness that God sees you, be enough 
to insure your immediate compliance. How sub- 
limely simple and striking was the reply of the 
child, who, upon being pressed in company to take 
something which his absent parents had forbidden 
him to touch, and who. upon being reminded that 
they were not there to witness him, replied, u very 
true, but God and my conscience are here." Be it 
your determination, to imitate this beautiful exam- 
ple of filial piety, and obey in all things even your 
absent parents. 

4. Submission to the family discipline and 
rule is no less your duty than obedience to com- 
mands. 

In every well ordered family, there is a rule of 
government ; there is subordination, system, disci- 
pline, reward and punishment ; and to these, all the 
children must be in subjection. Submission requires, 
that if at any time you have behaved so as to ren- 
der parental chastisement necessary, you should 
take it patiently, and not be infuriated by passion, 
or excited to resistance. Remember that your pa- 
rents are commanded by God to correct your faults, 
that they are actuated by love in performing this 
self-denying duty, and that it costs them more pain 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



157 



to inflict it, than it does you to endure it. Ingenu- 
ously confess your faults, and submit to whatever 
punishment their authority and wisdom might ap- 
point. One of the loveliest sights in the domestic 
economy, next to that of a uniformly obedient child, 
is a disobedient one brought to a right sense of his 
misconduct, and quietly submitting to the penalty 
he has incurred. It is a proof both of strength of 
mind and of good disposition of heart, to say, " I 
have done wrong, and it is meet I should bear chas- 
tisement." 

In the case of elder children, such, for instance as 
are fourteen and upwards, all other correction than 
that of rebuke and the expression by language of 
parental displeasure, is of course out of the ques- 
tion ; but where this is necessary, such young per- 
sons as have merited it, should exercise profound 
submission. It is exceedingly painful when a par- 
ent in addition to the extreme pain which it costs 
him to administer reproof to such children, has to 
endure the anguish produced by their utter indiffer- 
ence, smiling contempt, sullen murmuring, or inso- 
lent replies. This conduct is the more guilty, be- 
cause the authors of it are arrived at an age when 
they may be supposed to have advanced so far in the 
growth of their understanding, as to perceive how 
deeply laid are the foundations of the parental au- 
thority in nature, reason and revelation, and how 
necessary it is that the reins of parental discipline 
should not be relaxed. If then, you have commit- 
ted one error in deserving reproof, do not commit 
another in resenting it. Keep all still within, let 
not your passions rebel against your judgment, but 
suppress in a moment the rising tumult of the soul. 
The conduct of some children after reproof, is a 
deeper wound on the heart of a parent, than that 
which preceded and deserved the reproof. On the 
other hand, I know not a greater mark of nobleness 
of mind, nor any thing which tends to raise a youno- 
14 55 
4 



158 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



person higher in the esteem of a parent, or to en- 
dear him more to a father's heart, than a humble 
submission to reproof, and an ingenuous confession 
of his fault. A friend of mine had a son, long since 
gone to join the immortals, who having one day dis- 
pleased his father before his younger brothers and 
sisters, not only meekly submitted to paternal re- 
buke, but when the family were assembled at the 
dinner table, rose before them all, and after having 
confessed his fault and craved his father's forgive- 
ness, admonished the junior branches of the family, 
to take warning by his example, and be cautious 
never to distress their parents, whom they were un- 
der such obligations to love and respect. Nothing 
could be more lovely or more impressive, than this 
noble act. He rose, by his apology, to a higher 
place in the regard and esteem of his parents and 
the family, than he occupied even before his fault. 
Sullenness, impertinence, and obstinate resistance, 
are meanness, cowardice, littleness, compared with 
such an action as this, which combines an heroic 
magnanimity with the profoundest humility. 

Subjection requires also, a due observance of the 
rules laid down for the maintenance of family order. 
In every w r ell ordered family, things are not left to 
chance, but regulated by fixed laws ; there is a time 
for every thing and every thing in its time ; a place 
for every thing and every thing in its place. Meals, 
prayer, going to bed and rising in the morning, are 
all in their appointed season. To these rules it is 
the obvious duty of every branch of the family to 
submit. The sons and daughters may be growing 
up or arrived at full age ; this matters not, they 
must submit to the law of the house, and their age 
is an additional reason for their submission, as it 
supposes a maturity of judgment, which enables 
them to perceive more clearly the grounds of all 
moral obligation. They may think the rules too 
strict ; but if the parent has enacted them, they 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. ; 159 



should be in subjection, and that, as long as they 
continue members of the little community, though 
it be almost to old age. It is for the parents to de- 
cide also, what visitors shall be brought to the house; 
and it is in the highest degree unbecoming, for a 
child to introduce or even wish or attempt to intro- 
duce, any companion contrary to the known will of 
a parent. The same remark will apply to recrea- 
tions ; parents must determine this point, and no 
child that has the proper feelings of a child, would 
desire to set up any amusements that the taste, and 
especially that the conscience of a father or mother 
forbids. Instances have occurred of young people 
inviting such friends and joining with them in such 
diversions, in the absence of their parents, as they 
know to be decidedly contrary to the law of the 
house. This is such an act of base and wicked re- 
bellion against parental authority, and such an un- 
principled disregard to parental comfort, as lan- 
guage is too weak to characterise.. Even the books 
which are brought into the house must be in accord- 
ance with the domestic rule. If the parent forbid 
the introduction of novels, romances or any other 
books, a child in most cases should forego his own 
predilections and yield to an authority which he 
cannot resist without opposing the institute of nature 
and religion. 

5. It is the duty of children to consult their 

PARENTS. 

They are the guides of your youth ; your natural 
counsellors ; the family oracle, which you are ever 
to consult, and the responses of which are to be 
received with pious reverence. Even if you have 
just reason to suspect the solidity and penetration of 
their judgment, it is due to the relation in which 
you stand to them, to undertake nothing without 
laying the matter before them, and obtaining their 
opinion. How much more ready should you be to 
do this, where you have every reason to confide in 



160 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



their wisdom. You are young and inexperienced ; 
the path of life, is in a considerable degree untrod- 
den by you, and contingencies are perpetually aris- 
ing, which you have yet acquired no experience to 
understand, and to turn to account. They have 
travelled the road, and know its turnings, its dan- 
gers, and its difficulties. Go to your parents, then, 
with every affair ; consult them on the subject of 
companions, books, recreations. Let a father's and 
a mother's ear be the receptacle of all your cares. 
Have no secrets which you conceal from them. Es- 
pecially consult with them on the subjects of trade 
and marriage. On the former, you perhaps need 
their pecuniary assistance, and how can you expect 
this if you take not their advice, as to the best way 
of employing their property. As to marriage, I need 
not repeat at any length what I have already said on 
this subject. The scripture has furnished us with 
many fine instances of the deference paid in patri- 
archal times, by children to their parents. Isaac and 
Jacob both appear to have left the selection of their 
wives to their parents. Ruth, though a daughter- 
in-law, was willing to be guided entirely by Naomi. 
Ishmael asked his mother's advice ; and Sampson 
moved for his parents' consent. The simplicity of 
that age has departed, and in the advance of society, 
more of the power of selection now vests in the 
children ; but it should not be exercised independ- 
ently of parental advice. An old divine said thus to 
his sons : — " When you are youths, choose your 
callings, when men, choose your wives, only take 
me along with you ; it may be, old men see farther 
than you." Another ancient writer has this remark; 
— u It may be considered, that parents, who brought 
forth and bred up their children, should by no 
means be bereft of them, without their consent ; and 
since they are so much their goods and possessions, 
it were a kind of purloining to give themselves 
away without their parents' leave. And on this 
subject, a heathen may teach many who profess to 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



161 



be christians ; for Cyrus, on being invited to form a 
connexion with a particular individual, replied, " I 
like the lady, her dowry, and family, but I must 
have these agree with my parents' will, and then I 
will marry her." 

6. Imitate the good example of your parents. 

I say their good example, for if they unhappily 
set you a bad one, it is at the peril of your soul that 
you follow it. It was a noble answer which Freder- 
ick IV. Elector Palatine of the Rhine, returned to 
the prince, who advised him to follow the example 
of his father Lewis : — " In the business of religion 
we must follow the example of parents and ances- 
tors, only so far as they are agreeable to the will of 
God." Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, when he came 
to the throne of Imperial Rome, publicly expressed 
his determination not to follow the usual conduct of 
the Caesars, but to act as a disciple of the pious An- 
tonine, and to act, and speak, and think, as his fos- 
ter father did. Survey the conduct of your parents; 
let their failings be thrown back in shadow, their 
excellencies brought out in full relief. Where they 
are truly pious, be followers of their religious 
character. You bear the likeness of their bodies, 
receive also the impress of their minds. Seek to 
catch the family feature of their piety. A wicked 
child, of godly parents, is the most awful character 
upon earth. With what horror do I look upon such 
an one ! That he should swear who was taught to 
pray ! That he should violate the Sabbath, who was 
led up, from his infantine days, to the house of God! 
That he should despise religion, who has ever seen 
its beautiful form, in the example of a godly father, 
and a pious mother ! That he should be a friend of 
profane and unclean persons, who from a child has 
been the companion of saints ! Shocking spectacle ! 
But even where there may be no actual irreligion, 
there is oftentimes a want of true religion : and this 
also, is distressing. What an aggravation is it to 
14* 



162 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



the sin of being without piety, to have lived all the 
earlier part of life, with an example of true godli- 
ness before our eyes ! This is a dreadful and actual 
resistance of the most alluring means which heaven 
ever employs for the conversion of a sinner. It is 
a resolute determination to neglect and forget re- 
ligion, in spite of an interesting and powerful me- 
morial of it constantly before our eyes. What a 
meeting will such children have with their parents 
at the last day ! 

7. The last duty I shall mention, is kindness. 

This should extend through the whole of your 
deportment, but there are several cases in which it 
will have a more enlarged opportunity for display- 
ing its beauty, and exerting its energy. 

When parents are greatly inferior in talents and 
acquirements, it is a fine occasion for the exercise of 
filial piety. We know instances in which the father 
and mother are lamentably deficient, not only in in- 
formation, but in judgment : their weakness is man- 
ifest to all, and cannot be concealed from their 
family ; by whom, indeed, the sad effects of their 
imbecility, are daily felt and deplored. Here then 
is an opportunity for a display of noble and exalted 
kindness, on the part of children. Young people, 
if you are placed in such circumstances, endeavor 
constantly to remember, that notwithstanding all 
their weakness, they are your parents still, and hold 
a parent's claim. Never, never taunt them with 
their defects, for this is cruelty in the extreme ; but 
on the contrary, strive to the uttermost to prevent 
them from suffering any painful consciousness of 
their inferiority. Do not laugh at their mistakes, 
nor ever suffer yourselves so to expose or to correct 
them, as to wound their feelings. If they are ob- 
stinate, yield to them ; if irritable, bear with them: 
and when they shew their incapacity for governing 
with wisdom, instead of snatching the sceptre from 
their hand, insensibly assist them to wield it with 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



163 



greater propriety. It is a beautiful sight, to behold 
a fine, intelligent, strong minded son or daughter, 
straining every nerve, and employing every faculty, 
to endure and conceal the faults of such a parent, 
and to throw an air of respectability over one, that 
has no respectability of his own. 

u There is often, especially in the middle classes 
of life, as great a difference of mental culture in 
the parents and the child, as if they had lived at 
the distance of many centuries. The wealth that 
has been acquired by patient industry, or some for- 
tunate adventure, may be employed in diffusing all 
the refinements of science and literature to the chil- 
dren of those to whom the very words, science and 
literature, are words of which they would scarcely 
be able, even with the help of a dictionary, to un- 
derstand the meaning. In a rank of life still lower, 
there are not wanting many meritorious individu- 
als, who, uninstructed themselves, labor indefatiga- 
bly to obtain the means of liberal instruction for one, 
whose wisdom in after years, where he is to astonish 
the village, may gratify at once their ambition and 
love. It would indeed, be painful to think, that any 
one, whose superiority of knowledge has cost his 
parents so much fatigue, and so many privations of 
comforts, which, but for the expense of the means 
of his acquired superiority, they might have enjoy- 
ed, should turn against them, in his own mind, the 
acquirements which were to them of so costly a 
purchase, despising them for the very ignorance 
which gave greater merit to their sacrifice, and 
proud of a wisdom far less noble, when it can thus 
feel contempt, than the humble ignorance which it 
despises." 

Kindness will show itself in generous attention to 
poor parents. In the revolutions of this world, and 
by the vicissitudes of human affairs, many children 
have left their parents behind them in the humble 
vale of poverty ; and some have lost their filial piety 



164 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



in the ascent. Few more shocking scenes can be 
presented to a feeling rnind, than a rich son or 
daughter ashamed of, and unkind to, his poor father 
or mother. Such wretches deserve the fate of the 
proud monarch of Babylon, and would have no 
more than their desert if they were driven from the 
company of men to herd with beasts, to which they 
are more allied in disposition than to human beings. 
How beautiful a scene, the very opposite of that 
which I have just considered, was exhibited in the 
palace of Pharaoh, when Joseph, then the prime 
minister of the state, led in a poor old shepherd to 
the presence of the king, and before all the lords of 
the Egyptian court, introduced the decrepid and 
care worn pilgrim as his father. Who, after look- 
ing at this, will ever be ashamed of a parent be- 
cause he is clad in the garb of poverty. What a 
halo of glory did that one act draw round the hon- 
ored brow of Joseph : the lustre of the golden chain 
that hung from his neck was dim compared with 
the brightness of this action, and the chariot in 
which he rode with almost imperial pomp before 
the people, raised him not to so high an eminence, 
as that which he occupied, when he stood before 
the monarch with the patriarch of Canaan leaning 
on his arm. Never be ashamed of your parents 
then, because of their poverty. 

Let your kindness operate in the way of affording 
them all things necessary for their comfort. The author 
of the iEneid has denominated his hero the pious 
j32neas, because of the heroic manner in which he 
bore his decrepid father from the flames of Troy. 
Two inhabitants of Sicily obtained a celebrity in 
antient story for their kindness to their aged parents 
in earring them upon their shoulders from an ir- 
ruption of Mount Etna. 

We have another instance of modern times. Mr. 
Robert Tillotson went up to London on a visit to 
his son, then Dean of Canterbury, and being in the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



165 



dress of a plain countryman was insulted by one of 
the Dean's servants for inquiring if John Tillotson 
was at home. His person however, being described 
to the Dean, he immediately exclaimed, "It is my 
worthy father ;" and running down to the door to 
receive him, he fell down upon his knees, in the 
presence of his servants, to ask his father's blessing. 

And how has the poet, the historian and the 
painter, loved to exhibit that beautiful picture of 
filial piety, first given by Pliny, of a daughter, who, 
when her mother was condemned to be starved to 
death, obtained leave from the keeper to visit the 
prison daily, and there nourished her parent from 
her own breast. A similar occurrence took place 
afterwards, in which a daughter nourished her fa- 
ther in the same manner ; the action was consider- 
ed so striking, that it obtained the honorable appel- 
lation of The Roman charity. The senate decreed 
that the father should be restored to his child, and 
that on the spot where the prison stood, a temple 
should be erected to Filial Piety. 

There are however few instances of more toucli- 
ing kindness to parents, than that mentioned by Mr. 
Bruce in his Juvenile Anecdotes. 

"An officer, having remained some time at Kings- 
ton, in Surrey, for the purpose of raising recruits, 
received orders to join his regiment. On the even- 
ing before his departure, a Young Man of the most 
engaging aspect made his appearance, and desired 
to be enlisted into his company. His air at once 
indicated a well cultivated mind, and commanded 
respect. 

" He betrayed, however, evident marks of pertur- 
bation, and was greatly embarrassed ; the officer 
asked the cause of it : c I tremble,' said he, ' lest you 
should deny my request.' Whilst he was speaking, 
the tears rolled down his cheeks. ' No,' answered 
the officer, c I accept your offer most heartily ; but 
why should you imagine a refusal ?' £ Because the 



166 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



bounty which I expect may perhaps be too high.' 
4 How much then do you demand ?' said the officer. 
4 It is no unworthy motive, but an urgent claim that 
compels me to ask ten guineas ; and I shall be the 
most miserable of mankind if you refuse me.' 4 Ten 
guineas !' said the officer, 4 that indeed is very high; 
but I am pleased with you : I trust to your honor 
for the discharge of your duty, and will strike the 
bargain at once. Here are ten guineas ; to-morrow 
we depart.' 

44 The young man, overwhelmed with joy, begged 
permission to return home, to perform a sacred duty, 
and promised to be back within an hour. The offi- 
cer, impressed by the honesty of his countenance, 
yielded to his desire; but observing something mys- 
terious in his manner, he was induced, by curiosity, 
to follow him at some distance. He saw him has- 
tening towards the town prison, where he knocked 
and was admitted. The officer quickened his pace : 
and when he came to the door of the prison, he 
overheard the young man say to the jailor : 4 Here 
is the money for which my father is imprisoned ; I 
put it into your hands, and I request you will con- 
duct me to him immediately that I may release him 
from his misery.' The jailor did as he requested. 

44 The officer delayed a few minutes, that the 
young man might have an opportunity of being 
alone with his father; he then followed him. What 
a scene ! he saw the son in the arms of a venerable 
and aged father, who, without uttering a word, 
pressed him to his heart, and bedewed him with 
tears. A few minutes passed before he observed 
the officer, who, deeply affected, approached them, 
and said to the old man, — 4 Compose yourself ; I will 
not deprive you of so worthy a son. Permit me to 
restore him to you, that I may not regret the money 
which he has employed in so virtuous a manner.' 

44 The father and son fell upon their knees at his 
feet. The young man refused, at first, to accept of 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



his proffered freedom ; but the worthy officer in- 
sisted that he should remain with his father. He ac- 
companied them both from the prison, and took his 
leave with the pleasing reflection of having con- 
tributed to the happiness of a worthy son and an 
unfortunate father." 

What mind is not enamored, what heart is not af- 
fected, by such touching instances of filial kindness ? 
And what child is not ready to exclaim, " 0 my 
father, my mother, I will share with you my last 
crust, and feel at once, both honored and happy, to 
return upon you in your old age, the kindness you 
bestowed upon me in my youth, childhood and in- 
fancy." 

Kindness will manifest itself by affectionate atten- 
tion and tender sympathy, in their sickness. I do not 
know where in all our world, to find a lovelier, ho- 
lier, sweeter scene, than that of a pious and affec- 
tionate daughter, devoting her time, and strength, 
and inventive assiduities to the comfort of a mother 
or a father, confined for years to the room and the 
bed of sickness. Such children I have known, and 
ineffably admired ; who at an age when there is 
usually a taste and capacity for the pleasures of so- 
ciety, have abstracted themselves from all compa- 
ny, to be the constant, and almost sole companion 
of that dear sufferer, to alleviate whose sorrows was 
their only hpppiness. Scarcely have they permitted 
themselves to walk abroad and enjoy the scenes of 
nature, even to recruit their wasting strength and 
prepare for fresh activities in the sick chamber, lest 
in their absence a pang should be felt which none 
could so well mitigate as they, or a want endured 
which they could best supply. I knew one such, 
who, had a sick father lived much longer, would 
have preceded him to the grave, and died a martyr 
to filial piety. Nothing could ever tempt her away 
from his side by day, and not often did a night pass 
without her stealing quietly to his chamber door, 



168 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



at which, unconscious of the frost which was assail- 
ing her delicate frame, she stood listening to ascer- 
tain if all was still, not daring to enter, lest she 
should disturb that slumber which perhaps he was 
enjoying. I remember in another case, visiting a 
cottage, in which a sick man lay dying, who had 
been long ill ; his wife was ministering to his com- 
fort, and in one corner of the room, there was a girl 
of twelve years of age busily employed at her nee- 
dle. On my asking how they were supported in 
their affliction, the mother replied, "principally, sir T 
by that child's work ; she is up every morning at 
four o'clock, and is diligently employed till late at 
night ; she cheerfully bears all this labor, and gives 
its produce to sustain us." Young people, read and 
ponder these interesting details, and imitate these 
beautiful examples. Put forth all your tenderness, 
shrink from no self-denial, endure, not only without 
murmuring, but with cheerfulness, any sacrifices to 
comfort a sick parent. Aspire to the character of 
being a ministering angel to a father or mother. 
Let them see that you account it no hardship, but a 
felicity to wait upon them. It is in your power to 
alleviate or aggravate to an inconceivable degree 
their sufferings, according as you are kind or un- 
kind. Covet the testimony which many a one has 
received, when the sufferer has said with tears in 
her eyes, "that dear child is my companion, my 
friend, my nurse, and all my earthly delight." 0 
what is the concord of sweet sounds at the concert, 
what the gay and glittering attractions of the ball 
room, what the dazzling scenes of the theatre, or to 
come to more lawful enjoyments, what the exhilara- 
tion of the public meeting, compared with the con- 
sciousness of having smoothed the bed of sickness, 
and alleviated the sufferings of disease, for an af- 
flicted parent. If the conscience of any that shall 
read these pages shall reproach them for neglect ; 
if they know that they have heard their parents 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



169 



mildly reprove them for their want of sympathy, let 
them consider what must be the anguish of those 
parents' hearts, who have to say in the bitterness of 
their soul, to their own children, " Is it nothing to 
you, all ye that pass by, come see if there was ever 
sorrow like unto my sorrow," and who, disappoint- 
ed in the hope of tenderness from their own off- 
spring, turn for help to their neighbors ; and taking 
up the piteous complaint of Job, say, "Pity me, 
pity me, 0 my friends, for the hand of God hath 
touched me." Unfeeling youth, your neglect will 
one day find you out, and at some future time may 
be, perhaps, returned upon you, by the cruel con- 
duct of your own children. 

Kindness will often be put to a severe test, by the 
bad temper or the stern and tyrannical government of 
parents. It is difficult, I know, to be kind to those 
who are unkind to us : but it is our duty in all cases, 
much more to a parent. Nothing must allow you 
to be otherwise than the dutiful, affectionate child. 
No ebullitions of passion, no manifestation of un- 
reasonable discontent, no caprice, no unmerited re- 
proach on their part, should throw you off your 
guard. It may be sometimes necessary to remon- 
strate, but never can be proper to return railing for 
railing. Kindness may do more, in such circum- 
stances, to soften and remove the evil, than angry 
resistance ; — " A soft answer turneth away wrath." 

" Lovely as virtue is," says Dr. Brown, a in all its 
forms, there is no form in which it is more lovely, 
than in this tender ministry of offices of kindness ; 
where the kindness, perhaps, is scarcely felt, or con- 
sidered less as kindness, than as the duty which 
might have been fairly demanded, and which there 
is ho merit, therefore, in having paid. Though we 
have often the gratification of seeing, in the pro- 
gress of life, many beautiful examples of age, that 
is not more venerable for its past virtues, than 
amiable, with a lasting and still increasing gentle- 
15 



170 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ness, which softens the veneration indeed, but aug- 
ments it even while it softens it, it is not always that 
the last years of life present to us this delightful as- 
pect ; and when the temper is, in these last years, 
unfortunately clouded, — when there is no smile of 
kindness in the faded eye, that grows bright again 
for moments, only when there is fretfulness in the 
heart, — when the voice that is feeble, only in the 
utterance of grateful regard, is still sometimes loud 
with tones of a very different expression, — the kind- 
ness, which, in its unremitting attention, never 
shows by a word or look, the sadness that is felt on 
these undeserved reproaches, and that regards them 
only as proofs of a weakness that requires still more 
to be comforted, is a kindness which virtue alone 
can inspire and animate, but which, in the bosom 
that is capable of it, virtue must already have well 
rewarded. How delightful is the spectacle, when 
amid all the temptations of youth and beauty, we 
witness some gentle heart, that gives to the couch 
of the feeble, and perhaps, of the thankless and re- 
pining, those hours which others find too short for 
the successive gaieties with which an evening can 
be filled, and that prefers to the smile of universal 
admiration, the single smile of enjoyment, which, 
after many vain efforts, has at last been kindled on 
one solitary cheek !" 

Another circumstance remains to be mentioned, 
which will render it extremely difficult, sometimes, 
to be at once obedient to God, and to your parents; 
difficult to manifest all the kindness which they 
may expect, and at the same time, to regard the 
dictates of conscience ; 1 mean, where the children 
are pious, and the parents are still in an unconverted 
state. This is no uncommon case, and always a 
trying one wherever it occurs. Those who are 
placed in such a situation, need much wisdom and 
much grace to conduct themselves with propriety, so 
as to give no unnecessary pain to their parents, and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 171 



yet at the same time, to maintain their consistency 
as christians. To young persons in such circum- 
stances, I say, let there be deep and unaffected hu- 
mility, no spiritual pride, no apparent conscious- 
ness of moral superiority, no saying, "stand by, 1 
am holier than thou ;" nothing approaching in the 
most distant manner to contempt of your parents, 
on account of their state. When it is necessary, 
as it sometimes may be, to oppose their wishes, and 
refuse their requests, because they interfere with 
your duty to God, let your dissent not assume the 
shape of disobedience to them, let it be expressed 
in a mild and respectful manner, and be made obvi- 
ously to appear to be the result of conscientious 
motives, and not of caprice, or any want of right 
feeling towards them. In all other things, in which 
religion is not concerned, let there be additional ef- 
fort and ingenuity to please them, so that they may 
have nothing against you, but as touching the law 
of your God. It may be sometimes necessary for 
you to express the solicitude which you ought al- 
ways to feel for their spiritual welfare ; you must 
then be careful to avoid the appearance of dicta- 
tion, lecturing, and reproach, and address yourselves 
to them in a humble and prudent manner. You 
should put suitable books in their way, and if they 
are not in the habit of hearing the gospel preached, 
you may invite them to hear the joyful sound. With 
all this, you must take especial pains, that your own 
religion may be consistent and practical ; visible in 
all your conduct, and more particularly conspicu- 
ous, in the kind, and tender, and dutiful manner, in 
which you discharge your obligations to them. 

Such is a compendium of filial duties. Let chil- 
dren read them, study them, sincerely desire to per- 
form them, and pray to Almighty God for the grace 
that is in Christ Jesus, to assist them in discharging 
their obligations. 



172 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Many and cogent motives may be brought for- 
ward to enforce the performance of these duties. 

Observe the manner in which they are enjoined in 
scripture. Perhaps there are few branches of moral 
obligation, more frequently alluded to, or more va- 
riously enjoined, than that of filial piety. The lives 
of the patriarchs from the beginning of the world, 
are so drawn up, as to exhibit and recommend this 
virtue. It is commanded in one of the precepts of 
the moral law. By the Mosaic law, stubborn diso- 
bedience to parental authority, was punished with 
death. The book of Proverbs contains almost in- 
numerable apothegms on this subject. The prophets 
very frequently allude to it ; and Jeremiah, in the 
history of the Rechabites, has preserved a very ex- 
traordinary instance of hereditary filial obedience, 
perpetuated through a period, which in the time of 
that prophet, had lasted three centuries, and which 
was rewarded by the following testimony and prom- 
ise of the Lord : — " Thus saith Jehovah of Hosts, 
the God of Israel ; because ye have obeyed the com- 
mandment of Jonadab, your father, and kept all his 
precepts, and done according to all that he hath com- 
manded you ; therefore, thus saith Jehovah of Hosts, 
the God of Israel ; Jonadab, the son of Rechab, 
shall not want a man to stand before me for ever." 
If we come forward to the New Testament, we find 
it again and again brought into view. We see it 
embodied and enforced in the example of Christ ; 
of whom it is said, Jesus went down and was sub- 
ject unto his parents. Yes, in the matchless con- 
stellation of perfect moral excellencies that formed 
his character, and are presented for our admiration 
and imitation, one bright and beauteous star is filial 
piety. Fix, young people, your eye upon that star, 
so mildly beaming, and so radiantly shining, as an 
example for you. That wonderful personage, God 
manifest in the flesh, was subject, we have reason 
to believe, to his parents, till at the age of thirty, he 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



173 



entered upon his public ministry ; and those parents, 
he it remembered, were a poor but pious couple, 
who earned their daily bread by the sweat of their 
brow. With them he dwelt in their humble abode, 
and labored, in all probability, for their support. 
And even amidst the agonies of the cross, neither 
his own personal sufferings, nor the sublime and 
glorious scenes connected with the redemption of a 
world, abstracted his thoughts and solicitude from 
the mother of his human nature ; and even then did 
filial piety shine forth, a bright speck still visible 
upon the orb of glory, which was rising upon the 
world. The apostles enforced it by various com- 
mendations. " Children, obey your parents," says 
Paul in one place, u jor it is right ;" a thing not ob- 
ligatory merely because it is commanded, but com- 
manded because it is right f not a mere positive in- 
stitute, but wholly moral ; a duty enjoined not only 
by revelation, but by reason ; one of the first lessons 
taught by nature to a rational creature. So right 
and proper is it, that all nations, ancient and mod- 
ern, civilized and savage, admit its obligations. In 
another place, it is declared to be " well pleasing 
unto the Lord." It is that in which he delights, 
because it is the very disposition towards himself 
which he requires. And then, in his catalogues of 
dark deeds, and horrid dispositions, and atrocious 
characters, the apostle places disobedience to pa- 
rents. The loud, strong voice of revelation is lifted 
to proclaim over the surface of the globe, " Children 
obey your parents, and honor your father and moth- 
er ; for this is well pleasing to the Lord ;" while the 
voice of nature echoes back the command, " Chil- 
dren obey your parents, for this is right." 

A child of any degree of generosity will be influ- 
enced to obey his parents, by a consideration of their 
comfort. 

The earthly happiness of a father and a mother, 
depends far more upon the conduct of their children, 
15* 



174 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



than upon any thing else. Their trade may prosper, 
their wealth accumulate ; they may dwell amidst 
every kind of luxury and splendor, in the most 
beautiful spot which creation can present, yet an 
undutiful child may, by his disobedience and un- 
kindness, throw a dark and chilling shadow over all, 
and envelope every thing in gloom. On the other 
hand, affectionate and obedient children supply the 
lack of riches, soften the weight of care, sweeten 
the cup of affliction, and shed a pleasing light over 
what would be otherwise a dark and dreary scene of 
human wo. Children have their parents' happiness 
in their keeping. They stand at the fountains of 
our earthly destiny, and send into our dwelling the 
waters of bitterness or of sweetness, as their con- 
duct towards us shall be dutiful or unkind. They 
cannot know, till experience shall teach them, the 
trembling and exquisite sensitiveness of our hearts, 
and how slight a puncture draws the life's blood of 
our peace. So true is it, as was said by the wise 
man, that u a foolish son is the heaviness of his moth- 
er," aye, and of his father too ; he is a spot on 
their character ; a blast upon their hopes : a nui- 
sance to their family ; and a thorn in their hearts. 

Nearly connected with this, as another motive, is 
gratitude. No child can know, till he becomes a 
parent himself, what he owes to his parents ; and 
not then till he has added all the cares, and toils, 
and anxieties which are excited by the child, the 
boy, the youth, the man, in addition to those which 
are awakened by the infant of days. Parental soli- 
citude, is of course produced by the first sight of the 
child ; but the infancy of the babe, is but the infan- 
cy of our solicitude, which grows with his growth, 
and strengthens with his strength. Children are ever 
contracting obligations from the first moment of their 
existence. What owes not the babe to his mother, 
for that watchfulness, and labor, and anxiety, which 
scarcely rest by day or sleep by night. Other ani- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. J 75 



mals, though nourished by their parents, are taught 
many things by instinct ; but man, the most helpless 
of all creatures, must learn every thing from his 
parents, in the first stage of his existence. Let any 
one calculate, if he can, the hours of labor, sleep- 
lessness, and anxiety ; the tears, the tremblings, the 
alarms which one weakly infant costs a mother, be- 
fore he leaves her arms, and stands erect upon his 
feet in his own strength. My young friends, had 
your mother remitted her care for one single hour, 
or ceased but for a short season, her vigilant inspec- 
tion, you might have been consumed in your cradle, 
or have been now a cripple or an ideot. How many 
months rolled by, before you could wash away a 
speck of defilement from your frame, help yourself 
to medicine, or to food, express in articulate lan- 
guage a single want, put on a garment, or defend 
yourself against an enemy so feeble as a wasp. 
What then are your obligations to the woman who 
did all this for you, and delighted to do it ? I can- 
not follow you through the successive stages of 
your existence, at each of which you were accumu- 
lating fresh obligations to both father and mother, 
for education, with all its advantages ; for instruc- 
tion in trade, and that capacity you now possess for 
attaining to respectability in life ; but above all for 
that ceaseless, and manifest, and earnest solicitude 
for your eternal happiness, by which you have had 
the road to glory, honor, and immortality opened to 
your view, and have been admonished to walk in it ! 
0, sum up, if you can, your obligations to your 
parents ; but you cannot. And can you resist this 
motive to obedience ? What, has gratitude perished 
in your soul, till its very root has died in the soil of 
your depraved nature ? Yes ; it must be so, if you 
are unkind to your parents : you stand proved be- 
fore the universe, to have nothing of a child, but 
the name and the mere fleshy relation, which you 
possess in common with the tiger, or the serpent, or 



176 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



the toad, but you have not the feelings of a child ; 
you are a kind of monstrous production, out of the 
course of nature, and like all such productions, fill 
the mind with loathing and horror. Few there are, 
I hope, that will read these pages, to whom such an 
expostulation is applicable ; on the contrary, many, 
I believe, will experience as they proceed, the gen- 
erous emotions of gratitude swelling higher and 
higher in their bosom, till, with a burst of virtuous 
feeling, they exclaim, u Accept, my parents, of the 
surrender, which a sense of my obligation to you 
compels me to make, of my whole future life, to the 
promotion of your comfort." 

Interest pleads with children for their dutiful be- 
havior to their parents. 

An undutiful child cannot be a. happy one. Peace 
must leave the breast with filial piety, whenever it 
departs ; and uneasiness and misery, and occasional 
shame and remorse, enter to dwell in the wretched 
bosom ; while the affectionate and dutiful child has 
a perpetual feast within. And mark the language 
of the apostle. " Honor thy father and mother ; 
which is the first commandment ivith promise ; that it may 
he well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the 
earth. 1 '' This is an allusion, it is true, to the tempo- 
ral promises of the Sinai Covenant, and perhaps to 
the law which doomed the disobedient son to be 
judicially cut off from the people. But still, as re- 
peated by a New Testament writer, it must, to a 
certain extent, be in force still. Dr. D wight has the 
following remarks on this passage which deserve 
consideration. " In conversing with the plain peo- 
ple of this country, distinguished for their good 
sense, and careful observation of facts, I have found 
them, to a great extent, firmly persuaded of the ver- 
ification of this promise in our own times ; and 
ready to produce a variety of proofs from cases, 
in which they have seen the blessing realized. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



177 



Their opinion is mine, and with their experience 
my own has coincided. 

" Indeed no small measure of prosperity seems 
ordinarily interwoven with a course of filial piety. 
The comfort which it insures to parents, the har- 
mony which it produces in the family, the peace 
which it yields in the conscience, are all essential 
ingredients of happiness. To these it adds the ap- 
probation of every beholder, the possession of a fair 
and lasting reputation, the confidence and goodwill 
of every worthy man, and of consequence an op- 
portunity of easily gaining those useful employments 
which good men have to give. Beyond this it natu- 
rally associates itself with temperance, moderation, 
and sobriety, which furnish a solid foundation for 
health and long life. In my own apprehension, how- 
ever, these are not all its blessings. I do not say 
that miracles are wrought for its reward. Neither 
will I say that purer gales breathe to preserve its 
health ; nor that softer suns arise, or more timely 
rains descend to mature its harvests ; nor that more 
propitious winds blow, to waft its ships home in 
safety. But I will say, that on the tide of Provi- 
dence multiplied blessings are borne into its pos- 
session, at seasons when they are unexpected, in 
ways unforeseen, and by means unprovided by its 
own forecast, which are often of high importance ; 
which, altogether, constitute a rich proportion of 
prosperity ; and which, usually, are not found by 
persons of the contrary character. At the same 
time, those who act well as children, almost of 
course, act well as men and women ; and thus have 
taken, without design, the scion of happiness from 
the parental stock, and grafted it upon other stems, 
which bear fruit abundantly to themselves. Here, 
in the language of Dr. Watts, 

£ It revives, and bears, 

' A train of blessings for their heirs." 



173 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. 



If motives so forcible and tender as these, have 
no effect, nothing is left me to do, but to remind 
the children of disobedience, of that day of judg- 
ment, which God hath appointed to judge the world 
in righteousness, by Jesus Christ, and to give to 
every one according to the things done in the body 
whether they are good or bad. " In that most awful 
season, when the wicked shall see the judge sit above 
them, angry and severe, inexorable and terrible ; un- 
der them an intolerable hell ; within them their con- 
sciences clamorous and diseased ; icithout them, all 
the world on fire ; on the right hand, those men glo- 
rified, whom they persecuted and despised ; on the 
left hand the devils accusing ;" then shall it be found 
that the severest sentence of the Almighty, and the 
bitterest dregs of the vials of his wrath, will be 
poured out on the disobedient and ungodly child of 
those parents who trained him up in the nurture of 
the Lord.* 



CHAPTER VI. 



THE DUTIES OF MASTERS. 

"Ye masters, do the same things unto them, forbearing threatening; 
knowing that your master also is in heaven ; neither is there respect of 
persons with him." Ephes. vi. 9. 

" Masters give unto your servants, that which is just and equal." 

Col. iv. 1. 

" A party of friends setting out together upon a journey, soon find it to 
be best for all sides, that w hile they are upon the road, one of the company 
should wait upon the rest, another ride forward to seek out lodging and 
entertainment; a third carry the portmanteau; a fourth take charge of the 
horses; a fifth bear the purse, conduct and direct the route; not forgetting, 
however, that as they were equal and independent when they set out, so 
they are all to return to a level again at their journey 'send. The same 
regard and respect ; the same forbearance, lenity, and reserve, in using 
(heir service; the same mildness in delivering commands; the same study 
to make their journey comfortable and pleasant, which he whose lot it was 
to direct the rest, would in common decency think himself bound to ob- 
serve towards them, ought we show towards those, who, in the oasting 
of the parts of human society, happen to be placed within our poww, or 
to depend upon us." Paley. 

** There are duties which we owe to the lowest of those who serve us, 
that are not fulfilled by the most bountiful allotment of wages, and lodging, 
and sustenance. Of these duties, which are not duties ol supererogation, 
but flow from the very nature of the bond which connects the master and 
the servant by reciprocal benefits, the surest rule is to be found in that 
brief direction which Seneca, in the spirit of the noble christian precept 
of morals, has so happily given us in one of his epistles, in which he treats 
of the cruelty and contumely of Roman masters. — 'So live with your in- 
ferior, as you would wish your superior to live with you ' " 

Dr. Thomas Brown. 
" It has been justly remarked, that all authority over others, is in fact, 
a talent with which we are entrusted for their benefit, as well as our own; 
and so the discharge of our duty to them is only, in other words, securing 
our own interest as well as theirs. This, however, is especially manifest 
in the case of servants, dwelling under our roof, as members of the same 
family. Thereby how much our care over the souls of our servants con- 
tributes to their knowledge of God and themselves, so far have we secured 
their conscientious regard to our interests, and furnished them with prin- 
ciples, which will not only augment the stock of domestic happiness, but 
certainly contribute towards the divine favor resting on our dwelling, as 



180 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



well as on all we possess. Thus, then, is the fear of God in master and 
servant, found to be at once the only foundation of relative duty, and the 
only, effectual security for the discharge of it." Anderson. 

" The highest panegyrick that private virtue can receive, is the praise 
of servants, for they see a man without any restraint or rule of conduct, 
but such as he voluntarily prescribes to himself. And however vanity or 
insolence may look down with contempt on the suffrage of men undignified 
by wealth, and unenlightened by education, it very seldom happens that 
they commend or blame without justice. 

64 The danger of betraying our weakness to our servants, and the im- 
possibility of concealing it from them, may be justly considered as one 
motive to a regular and irreproachable life. For no condition is more 
hurtful and despicable, than his, who has put himself in the power of him, 
whom, perhaps, he has first corrupted, by making him subservient to his 
vices, and whose fidelity he therefore cannot enforce by any precepts of 
honesty or reason. From that fatal hour when he sacrificed his dignity 
to his passions, he is in perpetual dread of insolence or defamation; of a 
controller at home, or an accuser abroad." Johnson, 

Of all the domestic connexions, that between mas- 
ter and servant, is perhaps least understood, or at 
any rate, most neglected. In the two preceding 
cases, nature, imperfect and corrupt as she is, has 
come in with her aid : but this is a connexion, affect- 
ing very extensively the vital interest of the family, 
but which is left by God to conscience and scrip- 
ture alone. Should these two be neglected, what 
wonder, if the duty on either side is not fulfilled. It 
is not a connexion founded in mutual love, like that 
of man and w r ife ; nor in consanguinity, like that of 
parent and child, or brother and sister ; but in mere 
convenience. It seems at first sight, a destruction 
of the natural equality of the human race, and an 
invasion by one party, of the rights of the other. It 
did not exist originally, but soon grew r out of the 
natural course of things, such as the varied degrees 
of men's acquired property ; the love of ease on the 
one hand, and the urgency of necessity on the other. 
It was wealth or power that made the first master, 
and want or weakness that made the first servant ; 
and the very same circumstances which originated 
the relation preserves it. No one is a servant by 
choice, but of necessity, and becomes a master as 
soon as he can. All this shews that there is great 
propriety and importance in stating with clearness, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



ISi 



and enjoying with frequency, the duties of this con- 
nexion ; and that there needs great impartiality in 
adjusting the claims of both parties so as. to pre- 
vent the master from becoming a tyrant,"' and the 
servant from becoming a rebel ; in other words to 
guard the master against the disobedience and dis- 
honesty of the servant, and the servant against the 
oppression and cruelty of the master. 

To the right performance of the Duties of Mas- 
ters and Mistresses, the following qualifications are 
necessary. 

1 . A correct view of the nature and design of 
the family compact as intended to train up all the 
members that compose it, to be good members of 
the civil community, and of the church of Christ. 
They must keep in constant recollection, that the 
domestic constitution has a reference to religion, to 
heaven, and to eternity ; and that they who are 
appointed to be the head of it, are accountable to 
God for the manner in which they give it this direc- 
tion. Every household is intended to be a seminary 
for virtue and piety, of which the master and mistress 
are the teachers; the servants and children the pupils. 

%. They should be partakers of true religion. 

Hence you see they are directed to consider, that 
they have a master in heaven, and to perform their 
duties with a believing and constant reference to 
their accountability to Christ. Without personal 
religion, they cannot of course seek on behalf of 
their servants the highest, end of the domestic con- 
stitution, i. e. their spiritual and eternal welfare. 
Nor can they, without religion, be so well prepared 
to discharge even the, ordinary duties of their station. 
True religion will not fail, wherever it exists in full 
vigor and operation, to teaqha man, in reference to 
every thing, the best rules' and ends, and measures of 
action : and especially will the grace of God, in 
this case* prevent that pride, passion, cruelty and 
unkinffless, which make a man a bad master ; and 



182 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



at the same time it will implant those virtues which 
are the germs of a master's greatest excellence. 
Religion is the strongest basis and the firmest sup- 
port of authority ; it not only renders all the com- 
mandments which are delivered, holy, and just, and 
good ; not only infuses wisdom and equity into all 
the laws which are enjoined, but invests the lawgiver 
himself with the beauty of goodness, and the awful 
power of sanctity. A peculiar awe and dread seem 
to have been upon the inferior creatures, for man 
in his innocence, as a kind of reverence for the 
divine image which man bore ; and the more holi- 
ness there is in a man's character now, the more 
power is there in his authority, and the more nearly 
does he come back to his original dominion, at least 
over the rational creation. If we would govern 
well, and easily, and pleasantly, we must inspire 
reverence rather than fear, and nothing does this 
like religion. u Them that honor me, saith God, 
I will honor :" this is never more remarkably ex- 
emplified, than in the case of eminently holy mas- 
ters and mistresses. 

3. They should entertain correct notions of 
the nature and design of the relation they stand in 
to their servants, who are to be considered as their 
equals in nature, though their inferiors in rank ; 
and not as beings of another and inferior race. 

Servants are not mere speaking brutes, but ra- 
tional men and women, who are bone of your bone, 
and flesh of your flesh, and who on the ground of 
natural equality, covenant with you to deliver to 
you so much service, for so much wages. They 
are your equals in the eye of the laws of the land, 
and are as much protected as you are : equal in the 
eye of God, who is no respecter of persons ; equal 
in personal formation, having the same corporeal 
senses, members and beauty, and the same mental 
faculties ; equal in the church of God, being re- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. lg& 

deemed by the same blood of atonement, regener- 
ated by the same Holy Spirit, and entitled to the 
same heaven ; and on all these grounds entitled to 
the respect that is due to a man and a christian ; as 
such they are to be addressed and treated ; and not 
spoken to and oppressed like beasts. 

I now lay down one or two preliminary remarks. 

I. Professing christians should be very careful in 
the selection of their servants. 

It is desirable, where it can be done, to engage 
such servants as are truly and consistently pious. I 
know that this cannot always be accomplished, in 
reference to the household, much less in the manu- 
factory and the shop. In a business that depends 
upon the skill of the workmen, a master must have 
such as will suit his purpose, whether they possess 
moral qualifications or not. But when he cannot 
get good men, he should endeavor to reform, to the 
extent of his ability, such as are bad. It must be 
admitted that there are many, both men and women, 
who, as to their general qualifications, are most ex- 
cellent servants, who yet do not possess true piety : 
they are industrious, good tempered, honest, and 
cleanly, and contribute far more to the comfort of 
the families that employ them, than some conceited, 
cross, and iudolent professors of religion. Notwith- 
standing this, it is every way desirable to obtain, if 
we can, those to serve us, who, we have every rea- 
son to believe, serve the Lord Christ. 

Other things being equal, pious servants are much 
to be preferred to those that are without the fear of 
God. They may bring the blessing of God with 
them into your house. You have the benefit of 
their example and of their prayers : in the time of 
sickness, you have the consolation of their remarks 
as well as their sympathy : and hence they have 
been, in many cases, sources of inconceivable com- 
fort to the households, in which they have been 
placed. If you have a family, how immensely im- 



184 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



portant is this matter. Think of what incalculable 
mischief one unprincipled servant may be the author, 
in a circle of young children. On this account, if 
a person of decided piety cannot be found, at least 
determine that none but such as are strictly moral, 
shall be inmates in your habitation. David deter- 
mined that no liar should dwell in his family. The 
utmost caution should be exercised, to keep from 
the nursery all improper persons. Nor ought any 
mother to trust her children too much to any ser- 
vants, however excellent ; and on admitting them, 
she should very minutely instruct them in all those 
points of conduct towards their minds, as well as 
to their bodies, which they are to avoid, as well as 
those which they are to observe. I would sooner 
take a toad into my bosom, said an old author, than 
a wicked servant into my family. Well might he 
say this, for the poor reptile is belied in being said 
to be armed with poison, but the wicked servant 
has poison for the mind both of her fellow servants 
and the children. Christian parents are not perhaps 
sufficiently cautious on this head. They are not 
sufficiently impressed with the importance of the 
subject, till they learn it by the various kinds of 
mischief that have been done. The present age 
has peculiar advantages on this point, inasmuch as 
by the extension of education, many young women, 
of considerable respectability, are trained for the 
important situation of nursery governesses. 

2. When you engage a servant, let there be a 
very explicit statement, of what each party expects 
from the other. 

The master or mistress should most fully explain 
to the servant, all that will be demanded in the way 
of service, and all that will be given in the way of 
wages and of privilege, both temporal and spiritual. 
Nothing should be concealed or omitted, to be 
brought forward at some future time : this is in the 
highest degree dishonorable, and subjects the en- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



I So 



croaching party to the justest reproach. It would 
be well for you to inform your servants, in a very 
minute and particular manner, all the religious 
habits of your family, and what compliance with 
these you will expect from them. 

The duties of Masters and Mistresses may be 
classed under three heads. 

First. You owe them a duty of justice. 

This demands, that you should give them a fair 
remuneration for their labor. The amount should 
not only be enough to support them in mere exist- 
ence, but in comfort. It is an utter disgrace to 
any man, much more to a professing christian, to 
abate and screw down those whom he employs, till 
they cannot earn enough for their decent clothing, 
and the nourishment of their strength. Is not this 
to grind the faces of the poor ? But, as in trade, 
there are certain rates of wages, from which it may 
be difficult for a master, however pious or humane, 
to vary, I shall merely remark, that such men ought 
never to be forward in lowering the price of labor, 
beyond what is actually necessary to keep posses- 
sion of the market. As to household servants, to 
whom this chapter more especially applies, it is 
very dishonorable to a mistress to higgle about a 
few shillings, with a poor dependant creature, whom 
she is scarcely willing should earn enough to pro- 
cure herself reputable apparel. I do not wish ser- 
vants to be encouraged in dress, and in expensive 
habits : there is too great a propensity to this in 
many young women, which ought to be checked, 
and if it can be done by no other means, by a 
reduction of wages. But enough ought to be af- 
forded in all cases, for suitable attire, and for a little 
surplus fund, which they should be encouraged to 
make against a time of destitution and helplessness. 
If we do not furnish them by a sufficiency of wages, 
with the means of honestly supplying their wants, 
are we not tempting them to make up the defi- 



186 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ciency by dishonesty ? And of course, their wages 
should be regularly paid. It is disreputable to be 
long in debt to any one, but utterly scandalous, 
when such creditors are unpaid servants, who ask, 
without success, for what has been due to them 
for months. I wonder the pride, if not the prin- 
ciple of some people, does not prevent them from 
putting on new finery, while the servants in the 
kitchen are saying, " That bonnet and gown are 
mine, for I am owed the money which payed for 
them, if indeed they be paid for." 

Justice demands that you should pay your ser- 
vants for all the work they do ; and that every thing, 
which in respect of time or labor, is above the stip- 
ulated or usual quantity of service rendered for a 
given sum, should be most equitably paid for. There 
are some persons who are proverbially mean, for 
exacting, not only what is actually due to them for 
the wages they pay, but for getting, if possible, a 
little extra service, without paying for it : this re- 
mark applies, of course, to the case of day work. 
If a woman be hired to work in the parlor, or the 
kitchen, or a man be engaged for the garden, such 
persons will generally detain them if they can, an 
hour or two beyond the usual time, on pretence, 
perhaps of finishing up the matter, or getting ready 
something of importance. This would be all very 
fair, if they paid an extra sum for the extra work ; 
but no ; they want the additional hour or two to be 
thrown in for nothing. But when the case is re- 
versed, and the workman or woman is obliged to 
go away an hour or two earlier than the usual time, 
they are then forward enough to make a deduction 
from the amount paid to them. This is not only 
detestably mean, but actually dishonest, for it is 
taking the laboring person's work without paying 
for it. Many persons, and some of them, profes- 
sors of religion, have no conscience in this matter, 
and get a character for extortionate selfishness 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 187 



from all whom they employ. In our money trans- 
actions with those who serve us, we should always 
lean to the side of generosity, or at least, should 
pay to the uttermost farthing, for all the work which 
is done for us. 

Justice requires, that your domestic servants be well 
provided for in all the necessaries and accommodations 
of life. Their food should be wholesome and suf- 
ficient ; their lodging should be such as is conve- 
nient for them in respect to warmth and protection, 
and not such as a person of even tolerable human- 
ity would scarcely allot to the dogs of his flock. 
If people cannot really afford to give such wages as 
will procure decent attire, nor such food, both as to 
quantity and quality, as is necessary to keep up the 
strength of a servant, they ought not to have one, 
and should do the work themselves. I pity from 
the very bottom of my heart some poor orphans, 
hired perhaps, if not from the workhouse, yet from 
friends that are glad to get thern off their hands 
at any price, who although burdened with exces- 
sive labor, are not allowed meat and drink suffi- 
cient to support their strength, and nourish their 
stunted frame, and are in a condition, which, with 
the single exception of liberty, is more pitiable 
than that of many African slaves. Medicine and 
surgical assistance, also should be procured for our 
domestic servants at our cost, as long as they are in 
our employ. I do not like the practice of hurrying 
them off, except in the case of contagious diseases, 
to hospitals and dispensaries, and thus calling upon 
the public to provide for the relief of those, whose 
cases belong to us. Much less is it equitable to 
make them pay the expences of their own afflic- 
tion. I have known servants, who were half beg- 
gared by doctors' bills, which ought to have been 
discharged by those, in whose service they con- 
tracted the ailaments which reduced them to suffer- 
ing and poverty. 



188 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



* Justice also equally demands, in the case of appren- 
tices, that they should be well taught the business which 
they come to you to learn ; especially, where as in many 
cases, a high premium is paid for this very purpose. 
No man can honestly retain such property, or in- 
deed, such apprentice with whom it is given, if he 
do not even take pains to instruct him. If there be 
any secret in the trade, it must be thrown open to 
him, for he comes to you for that very purpose. 
Nor is it enough not to hinder him from acquiring 
the business, but you must take pains to help him. 
I do think that this circumstance is very much 
forgotten by masters, not excepting those that make 
a profession of religion. Apprentices, I know, are 
taken with a primary view to the master's interest: 
but in return for the help which a servant affords 
towards the accomplishment of this object, a mas- 
ter covenants to instruct him in the trade, and the 
man who employs an apprentice in any thing else 
than that which he came to learn, and suffers him 
through his neglect, to remain ignorant of the 
trade, is guilty of a double act of robbery ; he robs 
the parent of the youth of his property, and at the 
same time, robs the youth himself of all his future 
means and opportunities of success. 

Justice demands, that when they leave your service, 
you should dismiss them, as far as you are able, consis- 
tently with truth, with a good character. Their char- 
acter is their wealth, and if this be gone, their means 
of subsistence have all vanished. Do not disallow 
them the right of leaving you when they please, 
nor avenge yourselves upon them by insinuating any 
thing to their disadvantage. On the contrary, do 
all you can to raise their reputation, and say all the 
good you can in their favor. 

"There is a carelessness and facility in 4 giving 
characters,' as it is called," says Paley, " especially 
when given in writing, or according to some estab- 
lished form, which, to speak plainly of it, is a cheat 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



189 



upon those who accept them. They are given with 
so little reserve and veracity, " that I should as soon 
depend, (says the author of the rambler,) upon an 
acquital at the Old Bailey by way of recommenda- 
tion of a servant's honesty, as upon one of these 
4 characters.' It is sometimes carelessness; and 
sometimes to get rid of a bad servant, without the 
uneasiness of a dispute ; for which nothing can be 
pleaded, but the most ungenerous of all excuses, 
that the person whom we deceive is a stranger. 

u There is a conduct the reverse of this, but morei 
injurious, because the injury falls where there is 
no remedy ; I mean the obstructing of a servant's 
advancement, because you are unwilling to spare 
his service. To stand in the way of your servant's 
interest, is a poor return for his fidelity, and affords 
slender encouragement for good behavior, in this 
numerous, and therefore, important part of the 
community. It is a piece of injustice, which, if 
practised towards an equal, the law of honor would 
lay hold of ; as it is, it is neither uncommon, nor 
disreputable. 

It is but common justice, also, to do something 
for the provision of servants that have worn themselves 
out in your service. To leave such to penury and 
want in the wintry season of their old age, is an 
instance of great and disgraceful cruelty. How 
much have they contributed either to your wealth 
or to your comfort, and perhaps to both! By the 
Levitical law it was provided that the servant who 
had been six years in the employ of a master should 
be treated with great generosity. u He shall not," 
said the Lord, " be sent empty away ; but thou shalt 
furnish him liberally out of thy flock, out of thy 
floor, and out of thy wine press ; and that where- 
with the Lord thy God hath blessed thee, thou shalt 
give unto him. (Deut. xv. 13, 14.) Now if six 
years' service, under the Law, were considered to 
entitle a servant to such an acknowledgment, 



190 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



surely a whole life's labor under the gospel dispen- 
sation, entitles them in their old age to no less. I 
ask this, not on the ground of kindness, but of 
justice ; for it partakes of oppression and extortion, 
to give them no more for their time and strength 
than they need for the passing moment, and then 
to cast them upon the parish, when we can no 
longer render them subservient to our interests. 

Secondly. Kindness comprehends another exten- 
sive class of duties owed by masters and mistresses 
to their servants. 

You must be careful not to overwork them. 

A merciful man will not overload his beast. We 
have been often shocked to see in our streets, or 
on the public road, how cruelly some weak, half 
starved animals have been used, in being compelled 
to drag along burthens much beyond their strength: 
but are there not scenes of equal cruelty, to be 
witnessed in some houses, where is to be found a 
poor, young, friendless girl, whose pallid looks and 
delicate frame indicate to every one, but her hard 
hearted mistress, that she is incompetent to the tasks, 
which, without cessation, she is mercilessly compel- 
led to sustain ? Her toil commences, perhaps, at five 
or six o'clock in the morning, and continues with- 
out intermission till eleven at night. Of work, she 
has too much for the robust and well nourished 
frame, especially for her weak and ill fed constitu- 
tion. Some unfeeling creatures seem to think, that 
the payment of five or six pounds a year, gives 
them a right to exhaust all the energies of the poor 
helpless creatures who are unfortunate enough to 
be employed by them. And even where unkind- 
ness is not carried to this extent, I am persuaded, 
that servants are in very many cases, quite over- 
worked ; they are so urged by incessant demands 
for their labor, that from the beginning to the end 
of the week, they have scarcely a moment to keep 
their own clothing in proper repair, much less to 



\ 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 191 



attend to the concerns of their souls : their employ- 
ers seem to think, that every moment they sit down, 
is so much time stolen from them. Are there any 
professing christians, who act thus ! Yes ; and in so 
far they are a disgrace to the christian name. 

Your method of addressing them, while it accords 
with your station, and partakes of the dignity, of su- 
periority, should be as remote from bitterness and con- 
temptuous pride, as it is from familiarity. Do not 
speak to them as if they were a race of inferior 
creatures, whom it almost demeaned you to notice. 
There are some masters and mistresses, who, though 
they do not swear, or storm, or call reproachful 
names, yet have a method of addressing their ser- 
vants, which they would scarcely use to a brute 
animal. I have myself heard tones, and seen looks, 
which the authors of them would not, and did not 
give to their dogs. Servants are not stocks and 
stones, but men and women ; and how galling to 
their feelings, how insulting to their rank as ration- 
al creatures, must it be to be addressed as a reptile 
race, who were scarcely entitled to the most com- 
mon civilities. And as pride is improper, so is 
passion. Masters are commanded to "forbear 
threatening." This is particularly specified, because 
there is a great proneness to this in many, if not 
in most persons. When an inferior displeases us, 
the temptation to undue sallies of wrath, gusts of 
passion, and threatening words is peculiarly strong. 
The individual is so much below us, and in our 
power, that let us say what we will, we have noth- 
ing to fear in return. But how mean, and coward- 
ly, and execrable is it, to say nothing of the wick- 
edness of such conduct, for any one to hector, and 
bully, and threaten a poor, defenceless creature, 
because we have no need to apprehend any thing 
in the way of revenge. We must, as christians, 
not only be meek, and gentle, and patient, but be 
gentle towards all, to those who are below us, as 



192 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



well as to those who are above us. Occasions, 
will of course, often present themselves, when it 
will be necessary to find fault, and to express dis- 
pleasure ; but this should never be done in a pas- 
sion. A Fury never can be respectable ; we never 
go into a rage without disgracing ourselves in the 
eyes of our servants : at such times we may be ter- 
rible, but we cannot be reputable. Abusive epi- 
thets and ill names lower our dignity, and under- 
mine our authority. Mild firmness, rational expos- 
tulation, and meek reproof, will do far more both 
in the way of punishing faults, and of reforming 
them, than petulance and passion. Speak kindly 
to them, then, at all times. Let your words, and 
even your tones, partake of a dignified courtesy, 
blending and softening authority with good will. 
At the same time, avoid all familiarity, and do not 
encourage an obtrusive and encroaching boldness. 
You must keep them in their place, and in order to 
this, you must keep yours. Do nothing to remove 
the line of demarcation between you, nor encourage 
them to step over it. You must not joke with them, 
nor make yourselves merry with them ; you must 
not enter into gossip with them about the floating 
occurrences of the neighborhood, nor encourage 
them to bring you tales, nor employ them as your 
purveyors of scandal. Some persons, who would 
not run the risk of being thought busy bodies them- 
selves, scruple not to encourage their servants to 
bring them all the news of the town. All this is 
mischievous in the highest degree, and tends to de- 
grade those who are foolish enough to indulge in it, 
in the eyes of those who should be taught to respect 
them. 

You should manifest an unvarying regard for their 
comjort. Take a deep interest in their welfare, 
and make it clear to them that you wish to see 
them happy. Watch over their health, tenderly 
inquire into the cause of their ailaments, and by 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



193 



mitigating their labor, and procuring them medical 
assistance, do all you can for their recovery. Ad- 
vise them for their good, and refuse not your coun- 
sel whenever it can be of service to them. Con- 
vince them by the whole of your conduct, that you 
are their real friends, and truly anxious to make 
them happy and respectable. 

Bear with patience those lesser infirmities which may 
comport with substantial excellencies. Do not be strict 
to mark, at least with severity, their more trivial 
faults. Some mistresses render their servants mis- 
erable by incessant complaint : they are such slaves 
to excessive neatness, that they are always in bond- 
age themselves, and make every body miserable 
around them. No one can please them ; a speck of 
dust, or a drop of rain blown in through the win- 
dow upon the furniture, is sure to bring a cross look 
or word upon the poor, wretched house-maid, who 
was no more to blame than her mistress. 

Kindness to servants, would lead us to administer 
commendation as often as possible, and censure with as 
much lenity, as a due regard to justice will allow." 

" There is a certain moral pleasure which we 
particularly owe them. They may do well, and 
in doing well, they have the same title to our praise, 
which our best actions have to the glory with which 
we expect the world to be ready to reward us. If 
we withhold the approbation which is due, we take 
from them one powerful incentive to continuance 
of that species of conduct which rendered them wor- 
thy of approbation ; and at the same time, we take 
from them one of the most delightful feelings of 
which he who has sold his freedom is still capable 
— the feeling that he has done something which 
was not actually sold with the very labor of his 
hands — that in the additional duties performed by 
him, he has been free still, and that our praise is 
something, which, as it was not an actual condi- 
tion, like the livery and the daily bread, is an offer- 
17 



194 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ing to his own gratuitous virtue. The duty of ap- 
probation, then, when approbation is due, is anoth- 
er of the duties which the master owes to the ser- 
vant ; and a duty which, though he may legally 
withhold it, he is not entitled morally to withhold. 

u But servants share not our love of praise only, 
but passions of a less commendable kind. They 
are assailed by temptations, like those which as- 
sail us ; and they sometimes fall, as we too fall. 
They neglect to do what we have desired ; and they 
often do what is positively injurious to us. In such 
cases, they might deserve all our severity of pun- 
ishment, if we were not men, and they were not 
men. Our reproof they unquestionably deserve, 
not merely because they have failed in their part of 
our mutual contract, but also, because our reproof 
may, even to them be attended with moral advan- 
tage. Yet though our reproof of any gross inatten- 
tion is not excusable only, but, if we consider all its 
consequences, an act of humanity, it is not to be 
the reproof of one who seems almost pleased with 
the offence itself, in the eagerness which is shown 
to reprehend it. In censuring, we are silently to 
have in mind the human weaknesses of our own 
moral nature ; and to remember, that if even we, 
with better light, and nobler recreations, err, the 
ignorant, who by their very ignorance, are incapa- 
ble of seeing many of the consequences of actions, 
and who have few recreations, but those which se- 
duce them from what is good, may still more natu- 
rally be imagined to err. In condemning them, 
therefore, we condemn ourselves ; or we declare 
that we are frail creatures, of whom less knowledge 
and less virtue are to be expected than from them. 
There are beings with gentle voices, and still gen- 
tler eyes, and with smiles that seem never to be 
willed, and scarcely even to fade and brighten again, 
but to be almost the native character of the coun- 
tenance, like the very lustre that is ever blooming 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 195 



on the lip and on the cheek ; — there are beings who 
seem to exist thus only in a perpetual moral atmos- 
phere of radiance and serenity, that on the sight of 
a single particle of dust on a book, or a table, or a 
chair, as if in that particle, a whole mountain of 
misery were before them, can assume in an instant, 
all the frowns and thunders of all the furies ; whose 
delicate frame is too weak to bear the violent 
opening of a door, but not too weak, after the 
door is opened to shake the very floor with the 
violence of their own wrath on the unfortunate 
opener of it."* 

Kindness should lead us to allow our servants all 
possible indulgencies and recreations that are not in- 
compatible with religion. 

They are capable of gratification like ourselves v 
and have the same desire of it ; while at the same 
time, are denied by their very circumstances, ac- 
cess to many of those sources of delight which are 
continually open to us. Those who seem to grudge 
domestic servants an occasional remission of their 
labor, that they may have communion with others 
at the feast of innocent enjoyment, convert their 
service into slavery, and render the oppression ad- 
ditionally bitter by the circumstance, that it is ex- 
ercised in the land of freemen. I have often been 
delighted to see t he cheerful faces of female servants 
at those meetings which are convened for promo- 
ting the various objects connected with the cause 
of religion and humanity, and who seemed to drink 
in the streams of eloquence and piety, with as eager 
a thirst, and as exquisite an enjoyment, as their 
more enlightened and better educated masters and 
mistresses. And I have known those, who, when 
going to some neighboring town or village, to at- 
tend, perhaps, a religious service of a public na- 
ture, have placed a female servant on the box seat 
of the carriage that conveyed them, that she might 



*Dr. Brown's" Lectures. 



196 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. 



share the pleasures of the day. It is our du- 
ty, of course, to keep them from all polluting and 
vitiating amusements, but it is not less a duty of be- 
nevolence, to give them as often as is convenient to 
us, and consistent with their interests, an opportu- 
nity of enjoying the liberty and sunshine of inno- 
cent and holy pleasure. 

It is no credit, but very much otherwise, to any family , 
to be always changing their servants. Some persons 
have as many as there are months in the year. 
Their place has acquired so bad a reputation, that 
no good servant will offer herself for it. It is as- 
tonishing how extensively the character of every 
household is known amongst persons of this de- 
scription. Those who keep register offices, can 
tell, perhaps, the repute in which most of the fami- 
lies in a town are held, for oftentimes upon mention- 
ing a house to one who has applied for a place of 
service, they receive some such reply as this : — u I 
will not offer myself there, for I shall not be kept 
above a month or two if I go." This is not to the 
honor of any one, much less to the professor of re- 
ligion : for, as those who leave the place, are natu- 
rally enough anxious to justify themselves to their 
friends, they scruple not to tell all the faults of the 
mistress, and oftentimes, of course, with great ex- 
aggeration, and thus the credit of religion suffers. 
Besides, what a risk is it where there are children, 
to be always receiving fresh servants into the fami- 
ly ; and what an interruption also to domestic com- 
fort. Avoid then, unnecessary changes, and every 
thing that leads to them, whether it be bad temper, 
inflicting excessive labor, or striving after unattain- 
able perfection. 

A kind master or mistress will prevent their servants 
from being insulted or oppressed by the chil- 
dren. It is really affecting to see what cruel scorn 
and impertinence are, in some families, allowed to 
be practised towards respectable men and women, 
by those little tyrant masters and misses, whose 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



197 



weak parents never allow them to be opposed in any- 
thing. They may utter the grossest falsehoods, in- 
dulge in the most wanton and distressing vexation, 
vent the most scurrilous abuse, and utter the foulest 
epithets against the servants, and their pitiless and 
unjust mother or father, with the full knowledge of 
the fact, allow this cruel insolence to continue. 
Children ought not to be permitted in any kind or 
degree, to be guilty of such impropriety as this. 
They should be kept from being familiar but equal- 
ly so from being impertinent. I would never al- 
low a servant to strike children, nor to be struck or 
in any way oppressed by them. 

Peculiar attention, partaking at once of respect and 
kindness should be shown to those ivho have served us 
long and faithfully. " Reckon," says Mr. Jane- 
way, " that one has been a faithful servant to you 
seven years, deserves to be esteemed next to a child 
ever after." Tried fidelity should be marked with 
peculiar approbation. At the end of each seven 
years of faithful service you should present them 
with some substantial present, as a token of your re- 
spect and gratitude, and the present should increase 
in value at the close of each septennial period. 
Where there is wealth, to be disposed of by will, 
I think that aged and valuable servants should be 
remembered. Think how much you owe to their 
faithfulness, how long your property has been in 
their power, which they have neither embezzled 
nor wasted, how constantly you have been served 
by them, how much they have contributed to your 
domestic comfort, perhaps, to your success. You 
owe them not only wages but esteem. 

Thirdly. But there are duties of a still higher 
and more sacred character, owed by you to your 
servants, I mean those of religion. 

They have souls, as well as you ; like you, are im- 
mortal creatures ; like you, are sinners ; and like 
you, the objects of redeeming mercy. The very 



198 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



circumstance of their being brought within the 
comprehension of your domestic circle, has made 
them a part of that little community, the spiritual 
welfare of which, you are to promote and to watch, 
with all possible solicitude. They are members of 
the domestic constitution, as well as hired servants. 
We surely cannot suppose, that the fine and exten- 
sive power, which is lodged by the family compact 
in the master's hand, was vested there for so trivial 
a purpose as the mere payment of those wages and 
the affording of that sustenance, which are necessa- 
ry for supplying the servant's bodily wants. It is 
also to be recollected, that moral duties are required 
from servants, and ought therefore to be taught. With 
what propriety can we look for truth, honesty, tem- 
perance, chastity, if we have never inculcated these 
virtues ? How can we expect they will be faithful 
in serving its, if we have never taught them to serve 
God in sincerity and truth ? 

1. Our first care must be not to oppose their re- 
ligion or to hinder their salvation. We may do this 
by the influence of a bad example. In what a hea- 
thenish state do some families live I Heathenish ! 
No : for pagans have their household deities, and 
make some show of religion, though it be a false 
one, in their houses : but great multitudes in this 
christian land, live as if there were no God, and 
are, to all intents and purposes, practical atheists. 
There is no family prayer, no reading of the Scrip- 
tures, no observance of the Sabbath, no regular at- 
tendance upon public worship. The holy day of 
rest is to them as other days ; they keep the same 
company, and seek the same recreations then as at 
any time besides. Religion is rarely introduced, 
but to be an object of contempt, and a source of 
ridicule. The servants in such families hear swear- 
ing, perhaps, but no prayer ; see drunkenness, but 
no worship ; witness card playing, dancing, and 
conviviality, but no acknowledgment of God. How 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 199 



can such masters expect good servants. If they ha- 
bitually break God's commands, how can they ex- 
pect their servants to keep theirs ? Unreasonable 
men, can you look for sobriety in them, if you set 
them the example of intoxication ? For chastity, if 
you teach them lewdness r For truth, if you teach 
them falsehood ? For religion, if you teach them 
irreligion ? 0 that you would consider that your 
wickedness ensures not only your own damnation, 
but hazards that of all the persons under your 
charge. Is it not enough to have your own sins 
laid to your charge, but that you must be answera- 
ble for your servant's sins also ? Is one curse too 
light, but you must seek to multiply it ? Are the 
flames of hell so cool and tolerable, that you are 
busy in adding fuel to that terrible fire, to make it 
burn seven times hotter ? Yours will not be the 
privilege of perishing alone, but will be the fate of 
the pilot who sinks others with himself. 

Some carry the matter so far, as to hinder the 
salvation of others, not only by example, but by di- 
rect temptation. How many masters have by 
their atrocious and murderous arts, corrupted the 
virtue, blasted the reputation, and ruined the souls 
of those females, whom, having received into their 
house, they were bound, by every principle of 
honor, as well as of religion, to protect. Such 
wretches deserve the gallows far more than many 
who suffer there. How many poor unhappy women 
have been sent by such vile transgressors, into the 
career of prostitution, to an early grave, and to 
that place of punishment, where they will meet 
their seducer to be his tormentor, through eternity. 
Neither a word, nor a look, should ever be given 
to a servant, which has the remotest tendency to in- 
jure her modesty. 

Nor ought you to tempt them to sin, by employing 
them to practice dishonesty and falsehood in the way of 
trade. Do not engage them in acts of fraud upon 



200 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



the revenue ; nor make them the spectators of your 
own evasion of the laws which regulate the taxes ; 
for all such conduct as this, is laying a snare in their 
way, and tempting them to sin. And by what so- 
phistry can any one attempt to justify that wicked 
practice of commanding their servants to say to visitors, 
that they are not at home, ivhile they are in the house 
at the very time 9 This is teaching falsehood by sys- 
tem, and ought we to wonder if our servants should 
lie to us, when we have thus taught them to lie for 
us ? People that make any profession of religion, 
cannot, of course, adopt this iniquitous custom, for 
it disgraces the most general acknowledgment of 
piety ; but it is to be feared that some, who pass 
for real christians, and wish to be thought such, 
are guilty of many things which are quite unworthy 
of their character, in reference to their servants, 
either by making them the witnesses or instruments 
of many evasions, artifices, and dishonorable acts ; 
and by which they really tempt them to go much 
farther astray on their own account. We can easily 
conceive, with what insufferable loathing and disgust 
some such servants must come to the domestic altar, 
at the time of the morning or evening sacrifice. It 
is a most shocking instance of hypocrisy when a 
master says to his servants, " After you have done 
so and so " — alluding to some act of imposition up- 
on others — " come to prayer." " Come to prayer!" 
one might imagine they reply, " thou hypocrite, 
what to sanctify the dishonesty thou hast just com- 
manded us to perform ?" Many who have witness- 
ed these things, or any thing like them, have taken 
an inveterate prejudice against religion, by conclu- 
ding that all its professors are alike, and that all are 
hypocrites together. 

We hinder their salvation, when we keep them away 
from the means of grace. Their work should not be 
so oppressive, even on week days, as to allow them 
no time for reading the Scriptures and prayer ; but 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



201 



to compel them to spend even their Sabbaths in 
such a manner as to deprive them of an opportunity 
to hear the word of God explained and enforced by 
the faithful preaching of the gospel, is to place a 
most powerful hindrance in the way of their salva- 
tion. How exceedingly cruel and disgraceful is it 
to keep them from public worship to dress a warm 
dinner. Without affirming that the christian Sab- 
bath is to be observed with the same ceremonial 
strictness as the Jewish Sabbath was, we do con- 
tend that no unnecessary work should be done on 
that day in our dwellings. I suppose no one will 
contend that a warm dinner is necessary. Is it not 
a crime, then, against the spiritual welfare of our 
servants, as well as against God, to occupy their 
Sabbath in preparing for our luxurious gratifica- 
tion ? Even as it respects their bodies, it is an act of 
great oppression, for they must need rest from their 
labor, far more than we do : and as it respects their 
souls, it takes away both the opportunity and the 
inclination to attend to these : it occupies their time 
in the morning, and unfits them for attention in 
the afternoon. All who thus employ their domes- 
tics on the Sabbath, maybe truly said to feast upon 
their servant's birth right, and to gratify their pa- 
late at the expense of their fellow creatures spiritu- 
al and eternal welfare. How long and how loudly 
shall the voice of indignant and faithful reprobation 
be raised in vain against this sinful practice ? I put 
it to any professing christian's conscience, how he 
can any longer determine thus to hinder the salva- 
tion of those who are under his care ? Will he not 
make even this small sacrifice for the spiritual wel- 
fare of the members of his domestic constitution ? 
Is this his professed zeal for God, and compassion 
for souls ? But, perhaps, he will reply, somebody 
must be at home to guard the house. Be it so. But 
need they be slavishly occupied in the drudgery of 
cookery ? If they must be deprived of the public 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



means of grace, is it necessary that they should be 
deprived of those that are private also ? But they 
will not improve their time at home. How do you 
know ? Have you tried them ? Have you, before 
you left home, furnished them with a suitable por- 
tion of reading ? 

In some families, the servants are kept away from 
the house of God far more than they need to be, 
for other purposes besides cooking. If there are 
two children, one must be detained from public 
worship for each, and perhaps a third to guard the 
house. But is this necessary ? I would have all 
proper care taken, both of the children, and of the 
property ; but then I would not have more servants 
than are absolutely requisite, kept away from the 
house of God. The Sabbath is of more importance 
to them than it is even to us. Their incessant oc- 
cupation through the week, renders it more neces- 
sary for them to have a day of rest and of leisure to 
attend to their soul's concerns, than it is for us. 
Nor do I think it enough to grant them merely the 
afternoon of the Lord's day : for that is the very 
part of the Sabbath, which we find to be the least 
edifying to ourselves, and if this be the case with us, 
how much more so must it be with them ? If, then, 
we keep away our servants from suitable public 
means of grace, we are placing a hindrance in the 
way of their salvation ; for we know that " faith 
cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of 
God ;" and that God hath ordained the preaching 
of the gospel for the salvation of men's souls. 

It appears to me, that we tempt our servants to 
sin also, by improper negligence and carelessness about 
many of the more covetable parts of our property. 
Some persons are too much away from home, and 
leave their servants too much to themselves : and 
when they are idle abroad, is it any wonder that their 
domestics should be dishonest at home ? If they 
will gossip away their time by hours, and days, and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



203 



weeks together, can it be wondered at, that their 
property should be wasted by those who are only 
hired to watch it ? If you are so much from home, 
is it not a temptation to them to invite company ? 
Is this habit of neglecting them the way to make 
them faithful ? Will they not learn idleness from 
you, and do you not know that idleness is a parent 
of sin? Or if you tempt them not to sin by being 
too much from home, do you not do it by giving 
them too little employment 9 If you overwork them, 
you oppress their bodies ; if you underwork them, 
you endanger their souls. It is said of the wise and 
virtuous woman, that she would suffer none of her 
household to eat the bread of idleness. You must 
account, not only for your own time, but for theirs 
also. When your servants are idle, said an old au- 
thor, the devil is at work ; and our idle days are 
his busy ones ; if you find them nothing to do, he 
will. Many have been ruined for both worlds, by 
having nothing to do — but mischief. Do not tempt 
them to sin, by never calling them to account for 
what is entrusted to their care ; especially in pecu- 
niary matters. They may be honest ; then keep 
them so, and put no temptation in their way to be 
otherwise, by not examining their accounts. Nev- 
er let them feel that they are irresponsible. If you 
keep not your eye upon them you may find a thief, 
where you expected to find an honest man. It is 
your prayer for yourself, " lead me not into tempta- 
tion ;" act upon this same principle towards them. 
Honesty itself should always be required to account 
for the uttermost farthing, and will wish to do it. 
Do not leave your property too much exposed. 
Some go to one extreme, and lock up every thing, 
others go to the opposite extreme, and lock up no- 
thing ; and here, as in many other cases, extremes 
meet, for one tempts to dishonesty by trusting too 
little, the other by trusting too much. Money, 
drinkables, and the lighter articles of female dress 



204 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



and decoration, should not be left too carelessly 
about. Nor should one party in married life, ever 
make a confederacy with servants to deceive the 
other. Wives should never engage their maids in 
a scheme of falsehood, imposition, or concealment 
of any kind against their husbands, though it be but 
in trifling matters, for this is teaching them in- 
trigue and duplicity, which may not only be injuri- 
ous to their own character, but seriously detrimen- 
tal in the end to the interests of the family. If a ser- 
vant be employed by the wife, to assist her to con- 
ceal any part of the husband's property, or appro- 
priate it in any way unknown to him, she is in that 
act tempted by her mistress, so far as the influence 
of example goes, to take the same liberty on her 
own account ; for she who is employed to purloin 
for another, will soon feel no scruples to steal for 
herself. 

2. It is our duty, not only not to hinder the sal- 
vation of our servants, but to do every thing in our 
power to promote it. 

Seriously consider your obligation in this partic- 
ular, and that as God sent them under your roof, 
that you might care for their souls, so he will re- 
quire THEIR SOULS AT YOUR HANDS. Yes, at the 

day of judgment he will say to you, " Give an ac- 
count of those immortal beings which were placed 
under your instruction, inspection, and anxiety." 
Cherish, then, I entreat you, a deep solicitude for 
their spiritual welfare, and feel desirous to become 
the instruments of their salvation. In order to this, 
take care to set them a good example, and let them 
see in you, not only nothing that is contrary to re- 
ligion, but every thing that can recommend it, that 
so an attractive influence may ever be exerted by 
your character on theirs. Many have learnt more 
of religion by what they have seen in their masters 
and mistresses, than by all they have heard from 
their ministers. They will never, forget their 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 2Q5 

example. Call them regularly to family prayer, 
and make them the peculiar subjects of your ear- 
nest supplications, that they may hear your entreat- 
ies with God on their account, and be the witnesses 
of your solicitude for their welfare. See to it that 
they have bibles, and take care that they are able 
to read, for if this be not the case, it is your bound- 
en duty to teach them. Furnish them with a few 
well selected books, and thus provide for them a 
kitchen library. Give them opportunities to attend 
public worship, and to keep holy the Sabbath day. 
Keep them not too late at work on Saturday eve- 
ning, lest their worldly business trench upon the 
Sabbath, or unfit them, by excessive fatigue, for its 
hallowed occupations. Instruct them in the prin- 
ciples of true religion, that they may have their 
judgments rightly informed, and that they may not 
perish for lack of knowledge. It is a great dis- 
grace to a christian master or mistress, if any ser- 
vants leave their house, without knowing, at least 
in theory, the way of salvation. In addition to 
this, you should talk to them in the most affection- 
ate manner on their soul's concerns, warning them 
to flee from the wrath to come, and directing them 
to the Lamb of God who taketh away the sin of 
the world. Give them no rest till you have prevail- 
ed upon them to seek in good earnest, the one 
thing needful. Observe what company they keep, 
and caution them against such as would lead them 
astray. Acquaint yourselves with the books they 
read, and examine what they understand and re- 
member of the sermons they hear. Do all you can 
to convince them of the reasonableness, profit, and 
sweetness of true religion, and of the folly, and 
danger, and misery of living without it. If you 
see no fruit of your exertions at first, do not be 
weary of well doing, but persevere in your anx- 
ious and judicious efforts. Should you notice any 
solicitude about their souls, nourish to the utter- 
18 



206 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



most their impressions, by giving suitable advice 
and proper books. Encourage them, when you 
are convinced of their true conversion, to connect 
themselves with the church of Christ, and thus to 
make a public profession of religion. 0, if you 
should be the instrument of saving the souls of your 
servants, what an honor and a happiness will be 
conferred upon you ! How many have been so hon- 
ored ; and in what bonds have their servants been 
held to them for ever after in this life. 

To influence you to the performance of these du- 
ties, I may call upon you, to remember that your 
Master also is in heaven, and to consider what a master 
he is to you. Meditate upon his attributes, and up- 
on the manner in which they are manifested in all 
his conduct towards you. How righteous, how 
faithful, how holy, how true, how merciful is he in 
his dealings towards his servants. And it is your 
duty to be like him. When in danger of acting 
improperly, either by want of equity or kindness, 
O think of God ; meditate on his matchless grace, 
and surely such a reflection will be an immediate 
check to every kind, and every degree of impropri- 
ety. To him also you are accountable, and ac- 
countable, as for your conduct in general, so also 
for your behavior to your servants. Prepare to 
meet Him in that awful day, and to meet them also 
at his bar ! ! 

Consider how much your servants, need this kind in- 
terposition for their ivelfare. They are often young, 
inexperienced, and ignorant ; rash, and imprudent; 
and they are also an unprotected and dependent 
race. I know not a class of persons whose situa- 
tion is more calculated to awaken our tenderest sym- 
pathies, than domestic female servants. Many of 
t'hem are orphans, and have no friend in the world, 
beyond their employers ; and no home but what 
they find in their master's house. When they leave 
one place of service, they often know not where to 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



207 



find their next home, and are thus repeatedly be- 
ginning the world, and setting out on the journey 
of life afresh. How many dangers are they expo- 
sed to ! How many snares are laid for their feet ! 
Masters and mistresses, be kind to them, they have 
found a refuge in your house, and let them find 
friends in you. Pity their condition, and labor to 
the uttermost for their welfare. You may be the 
means of blessing thernfor both worlds, and become 
their spiritual fathers and mothers, as well as their 
temporal masters and mistresses. Their souls may 
be given to your kind solicitude, to be your crown 
of rejoicing in the day of eternity. 

The honor of religion is most deeply involved in 
the way in which you discharge your duties. Bad 
masters and mistresses bring great dishonor upon 
Christianity; while on the other hand, they who in 
this situation, exhibit whatsoever things are pure, 
and true, and honest, and just, and lovely, and of 
good report ; who abound in that love which is not 
easily provoked, and thinketh no evil, and is kind ; 
who have the meekness and gentleness of Christ ; 
and who put on bowels of mercy, are bright orna- 
ments of their profession, and adorn the doctrine 
of God their Saviour in all things. A good master 
or mistress is indeed a most honorable character ; 
good men esteem it, bad men admire it, the world 
values it, the church applauds it, angels delight in 
it, and God commends and rewards it. Eyes too 
dim to see the beauties of holiness in the abstract, 
discern the excellence of this, and tongues that nev- 
er speak of religion generally, but to scoff at it, are 
eloquent in the praise of this. I conjure you, then, 
by all the regard you bear to the honor of religion, 
strive to excel in this your appropriate duty. 

Interest pleads with you for this. Consider how 
much your own happiness will be promoted, by 
seeing others happy around you. The heart of tha 



208 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



man cannot be in the state in which it ought to be, 
who is not pleased to see around him in his dwell- 
ing, a circle of happy minds and smiling counte- 
nances. A good master, or a kind mistress, is a 
kind of central luminary in the domestic system, and 
every child and every servant an attendant satellite, 
revolving in the force of his attraction, and reflect- 
ing the brightness of his glory. Or to change the 
metaphor, he is a fountain of gladness, continually 
sending forth in kindness and kind actions, streams 
of pleasure to all that are in the house. And then 
good masters and mistresses make good servants, or 
find them. When I hear persons complain, that 
they cannot find good servants, I suspect the fault is 
their own, and that they have a bad character, for 
their conduct towards their domestics. If they are 
tormented, have they not been tormentors ? If they 
can get no one to serve them willingly, and hon- 
estly, have they been generous and kind ? If they 
find none but such as are wicked, have they tried 
to make them holy ? If they complain of their ly- 
ing, their lewdness, their theft, have they not been 
so selfish as to seek to produce right dispositions to- 
wards themselves, without endeavoring to found 
these dispositions on a right state of mind towards 
God ? Try, then to conduct yourselves rightly to 
those, whom you have so much interest in making 
what they should be. Body, soul, estate, wife, 
children, character, comfort, all are more or less 
concerned in this matter. Your servants may rob 
or enrich you ; may defend your reputation or blast 
it ; may corrupt your children, or improve them ; 
may tempt you to sin, or warn you against it ; may 
injure your health, or protect it ; may bless you by 
their prayers, or curse you by their vices ; may 
render your dwelling continually pleasant, or per- 
petually miserable : your own interest, therefore, 
unites with God's commands, to make it your wis- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 209 



dom and your duty, to train your servants as well 
as your children in the fear of the Lord. 

■* What have you to say against what I have been 
persuading you to ? Will you not now, without de- 
lay bewail your former neglect, and in good earnest 
set to your work, like persons that in some mea- 
sure, know the power of divine precepts, the worth 
of souls, and the greatness of the charge that lieth 
upon you ? 0 that there were in you such a heart. 
0 that all masters of families were resolved for that 
which humanity, reason, interest, reputation, and 
their comfort call for, as well as the law of God, 
and men oblige them to. What blessed families 
then should we have ! What noble corporations ! 
What glorious cities ! Might not holiness to the 
Lord, be written upon every door ? 0, when shall 
it once be." 



18* 



CHAPTER VII. 



THE DUTIES OP SERVANTS. 



" Servants be obedient unto them that are your masters, according to 
the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto 
Christ : not with eye service, as men pleasers ; but as the servants of 
Christ, doing the will of God from the heart ; with good will, doing ser- 
vice, as to the Lord, and not to men : knowing, that whatsoever good 
thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he 
be bond or free." Ephesians vi. 5 — 8. 



" Honor and shame from no condition rise, 

" Act well your part, — there all the honor lies." 

God is the creator of all things, and the disposer of 
all events : he is, therefore, the author of all those 
varieties which are to be found in nature, and of all 
those differences which exist in society. He that 
formed the sun to illuminate, and to rule, formed 
also the planets to be enlightened and to be govern- 
ed ; and he that raiseth the king to the throne, or- 
daineth the lot of the servant in the house, and of 
the laborer in the field. There is no such thing as 
chance ; no, not in the material universe, where 
each bird that flies, each insect that crawls, each 
flower that blooms, amidst the desert, which man's 
eye never explores, is the separate production of di- 
vine power and skill, no less than the Alpine height 
which lifts its snow crowned summit to the skies, 
and receives the admiring contemplation of millions. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



211 



Nor is there any such thing as chance in society ; 
the rank and station of the poor little servant girl 
in the humblest dwelling of the most obscure vil- 
lage, are as certainly determined by God, as the ele- 
vation of the conqueror and ruler of nations. " The 
lot is cast into the lap, but the disposal thereof is 
from the Lord." " The rich and the poor meet 
together, but the Lord is the disposer of them all ;" 
i. e. not simply their creator, as men, but the dis- 
poser of their circumstances as rich and poor. This 
is comforting, this is reconciling. It prevents the 
poor from being degraded in their own eyes, or in 
the eyes of others. They are not like the dust, or 
the chips, or the dried and withered leaves in au- 
tumn, which, amidst the more stately objects of na- 
ture or art, are blown about by the gusts which 
sweep along the surface ; but they are in the place 
which God intended for them ; and God hath made 
every thing beautiful in its place and season. Who 
could have mended what he hath done ? What 
cause have we to sit down contented and thankful 
in the place which he hath ordained for us ! What 
obligation was he under to give us existence ? And 
what did he owe to us that he should have made us 
rational creatures, and not formed us a beast, or a 
reptile? " Shall the thing formed, say to him that 
formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?" 

As God disposeth every thing, so it is the high- 
est excellence of a creature, to discharge the duties 
of his station, and to shine in the orbit, and move 
with regularity through the course allotted to him. 
A good servant is more honorable than a bad mas- 
ter ; and a valuable subject than a worthless prince. 
He that is not relatively good, is not really so ; while 
he that acts his part well, is more truly dignified, 
though his rank be low, than he that stands on a 
pinnacle, but fails in the duty of his elevated sta- 
tion. What is true honor ? Not riches, not rank, 



212 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



not beauty, not learning, not courage. No. But 
virtue ; whether it be clad in the garb of poverty, 
or the robe of affluence ; whether it hold the plough, 
or grasp the sceptre ; whether it be seated at the ta- 
ble, or stand behind the chair. Virtue is honor ; 
let aJl servants write this sentiment on the heart, 
and ever act under its influence, as the living prin- 
ciple of all their conduct. 

In stating, after these preliminary remarks, the 
duties of servants, I would remind them, 

First. That there are some which they owe to them- 
selves, the performance of which will constitute 
the best and surest foundation of those which they 
owe to others. 

1. Religion takes the lead of all. 

Religion is as much your business, as it is ours. 
You are immortal creatures, you are sinners, you are 
the objects of God's mercy in Christ Jesus, and in- 
vited to seek pardon, peace, and eternal life, as 
well as we your employers. Yon have souls that 
must suffer eternal torments in hell, or enjoy ever- 
lasting happiness in heaven. You must be con- 
vinced of sin, repent, confess to God, cry for mercy, 
commit your souls into the hands of Christ by faith, 
be born again of the Holy Ghost, lead a sober, 
righteous, and godly life, or you must depart accurs- 
ed into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his 
angels. God is as willing to have mercy upon you ; 
Jesus Christ is as ready to receive you, as he is us. 
Your soul is as precious in the eye of heaven as 
ours. God is no respecter of persons, and is not to 
be considered as less friendly to your best interests, 
because he has placed you in service. Your situa- 
tion is no excuse, therefore, for your neglecting the 
claims of religion. You are not to imagine that at- 
tention to your souls' concerns is not required from 
you ; for it is required : and I repeat it, unless you 
repent, and are born again, and believe in Christ, 
you will perish eternally. Your soul is your first 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



213 



concern, and must not be neglected for any thing. 
Think not that it is impossible for a person in your 
situation to attend to religion ; for it is possible. 
Great multitudes of servants, both male and female, 
are truly pious. I have twenty or thirty in the 
church under my care, who are among its most con- 
sistent members. I charge you all to live in the 
fear of God. Remember your creator. Set the 
Lord always before you. Consider, that he is ever 
about your path, and that you act, speak, and think 
in his presence. He is now the holy and ever pre- 
sent witness, and will hereafter be the inflexible 
judge of your actions. 

In order to cultivate religion, go not into wicked 
families, where the Sabbath is profaned, the claims 
of piety are despised and rejected, and you can 
have no opportunity of going to public worship. 
Do not dwell in a place where your Sabbath is 
taken away from you ; let no amount of wages 
tempt you to go or remain in such a situation. 
Always stipulate for the privilege of going at least 
one part of the Lord's day, to the house of God. 
Insist upon it as your right, and suffer nothing to 
deprive you of it. Endeavor to find a little time 
for reading the Bible, and for prayer. Never go 
out of your room in the morning, nor lie down on 
your pillow at night, without reading a portion, 
even though it be a short one, of God's holy word, 
and earnestly praying for his mercy. Let religion 
be the basis of all your conduct, the very framework 
of your character, leading you to practice u what- 
soever things are true, whatsoever things are hon- 
est, whatsoever things are just, and pure, and love- 
ly, and of good report." Do not, then, as you 
would escape the torments of hell, do not, as you 
would be brought at last to the felicities of heaven, 
do not neglect your souls. " Godliness is pro- 
fitable for all things, having the promise of the life 
that now is, as well as of that which is to come." 



214 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Your situation is a very dangerous one ; you are in a 
very unprotected state ; and you need the fear of G od 
to enable you to depart from evil. Men, and women 
too, of bad principles, are lying in wait for you, 
spreading snares for your feet, and seeking your 
ruin. Religion will guard you, and guide you, and 
comfort you : it will keep you in safety, and raise 
you to respectability. " Exalt her, and she shall 
promote thee, she shall lead thee to honor when 
thou dost embrace her." 

2. A regard to truth, is another very impor- 
tant duty, and which you will be sure to perforin if 
you fear God. This duty you owe to your employ- 
ers also ; but while the inconvenience of the neglect 
of it will be felt by them, the more dreadful conse- 
quence of that neglect will be yours. 

Lying is a most hateful and wicked practice. 
And it is said, that " all liars shall have their portion 
in the lake that burneth with fire." Strive to avoid 
every thing in your conduct, that needs a sin to 
cover it : but if you have at any time done any thing 
wrong, do not make one sin two, by telling a false- 
hood to conceal the matter. Let no temptation in- 
duce you to violate a truth, rather endure the pas- 
sion, or the bitterest wrath of the severest master 
or mistress, than strive to avert it by a falsehood. 
Lying is bad policy, as well as great wickedness ; for, 
when once detected in this vice, you will ever after- 
wards be suspected, even when you tell the truth. 
A servant, whose word can be implicitly relied up- 
on, will always be esteemed. Such a virtue will be 
made to extend a friendly covering over many lit- 
tle faults. Never allow yourselves to be tempted 
by your master or mistress to commit a breach of 
truth. Inform them at once, that they must tell 
their own falsehoods, for that you cannot do it for 
them. A clerk once waited upon me, to ask me 
what he was to do in a situation, where he was 
obliged weekly to make a false written return in his 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 2lo 



own name, to defraud a public company, for the 
benefit of his employer. " Do," said I, with surprise 
that the question should have been asked me, " in- 
stantly refuse ; and rather cast yourself and your 
family the next hour upon Providence, than ever 
repeat the falsehood. " You must not, dare not, lie 
for others any more than for yourselves. If requir- 
ed to adopt the modern practice, of saying, your 
mistress is not at home, when she is at the same 
time in the house ; you dare not comply, for it is 
a falsehood, and as such, is a sin against God. 
When you are put by your employers upon com- 
mitting any sin, whether it be cheating, calumny, 
lying, or any thing else forbidden by the Scriptures, 
let your reply be, " How can I do this great wick- 
edness, and sin against God ?" 

S. Sobriety is a virtue you owe to yourselves, 
and also to your masters ; but, as in the case of ly- 
ing, the injury done by intoxication to yourselves, 
is far greater than that which you inflict upon 
them. 

Beware of the besotting, impoverishing, damning 
sin of drunkenness, and of every thing that leads to 
it. Household servants have many opportunities, 
and many temptations to practise this vice, if there 
be any propensity to indulge in it. It is impossible 
even for the most rigid watchfulness always to keep 
out of their reach, the malt liquor, the spirits, and 
the wine ; there are means of gaining access by 
stealth, to these things, on the part of a vicious and 
ingenious servant, which no vigilant mistress can 
altogether prevent. If we cannot trust these things 
to the guardianship of your principles, our locks 
and keys will often be found an insufficient security. 
Do, do consider, that if the habit of drunkenness 
be once contracted, it is all over ; and most proba- 
bly you are ruined for both worlds. Let there be 
a distinct understanding between you and your 
master or mistress, what beverage you are to be 

% 



216 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



allowed, both as to quality and quantity, and most 
sacredly abstain from touching a drop more, or a 
drop of any thing else. Never put the decanters to 
your lips, when the stoppers are all out before you. 
Stolen drams of this kind are double poison, they 
are venom for the body, and damnation for the 
soul : they lead to two crimes at once, drunkenness 
and dishonesty. Beware of the temptation which 
is presented at those times, when company is in the 
house, and when, through the supposition, that ex- 
tra exertion requires an additional glass, you may be 
led to take it, to love it, and to acquire the habit of 
it. I have known excellant servants, both male and 
female, ruined forever by intoxication. 

As to workmen, the daily servants that occupy 
the manufactories, this vice is the damning sin that 
is spreading immorality, desolation, and misery 
through almost the whole laboring population of 
the community. It is distressing beyond the power 
of language to describe, to think of the effects of 
this most prevalent, most dreadful infatuation. 
How many fine athletic forms are enervated ; how 
many wives are broken hearted ; how many families 
are reduced to beggary ; how many souls are damn- 
ed continually, by this crime. Drunken servants are 
the torment of almost all our master manufacturers, 
the curse upon our commerce, and the blight upon 
our national prosperity. 

4. Chastity is a duty of infinite importance to 
the well being of servants. 

I am now on delicate ground, and I will endeavor 
to step with caution ; but no false refinement shall 
hinder me from discharging a duty, which, as a 
guardian of the public morals, I owe to a very large, 
and a very much exposed class of my fellow crea- 
tures. I will not allow a prudish and affected 
sentimentalism to turn away my holy and benevo- 
lent concern from the interests of female servants, 
nor prevent me from addressing to them the lan- 



■ 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 217 

guage of warning and expostulation. When the 
miseries of prostitution are considered, and when 
the prevalence of this desolating crime, and all its 
attendant evils is at once admitted and deplored ; 
when it is well known, that of the miserable and 
loathsome victims of seduction that crowd the paths 
of vice, a very large proportion were female ser- 
vants, betrayed from the ways of virtue, in the first 
instance, by their masters, or their masters' sons, 
or their fellow servants of the opposite sex, surely 
it is the duty of every one who is specially address- 
ing young women in service, most solemnly and 
most pointedly to warn them against the wily arts 
of the basilisk seducer, who is fascinating them to 
their ruin. Young women consider the value, even 
in this world, of your character. With an unblem- 
ished reputation, you are respectable in servitude : 
your virtue is your parents' honest pride, your fam- 
ilies' only renown, and your own wealth and honor: 
this will be your passport through the world, your 
letter of recommendation to good society, and that 
which will find you friends, and make them, and 
keep them, wherever Providence may cast your lot. 
But if this be lost, oh, what a poor, forlorn, wither- 
ed, wretched creature you become ; abandoned by 
your seducer, ejected from your place, disowned by 
your friends, you have the pains, and the cares, and 
the labors of a mother, but united with the infamy 
of a prostitute ; you have to bear the scorn of the 
world, the look and language of shame-stricken, 
heart-broken parents from without, and the cease- 
less reproach and remorse of a guilty conscience 
from within ; and all this, perhaps, but as prelimi- 
nary to the misery which the prostitute endures, 
through her loathsome course on earth, and its aw- 
ful termination in hell. Take warning, then, and 
reject with disdain and virtuous indignation, the 
very first encroachments that may be made, by any 
one, upon the most delicate modesty and reserve. 
19 



218 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Have you been unfortunate enough to draw upon 
yourself the attention of a master, or a master's son, 
consider, it is with the eye of lust, not of love, that 
he looks upon you ; he may flatter your vanity by 
his admiration of your person, but it is the flattery 
of a murderer ; he cannot mean any thing that is hon- 
orable ; his passion, that he talks of, is a base, ruf- 
fian-like deliberate purpose to ruin you. Turn from 
him, flee from him with more haste than you would 
from a serpent or a tyger, for more than a serpent 
or a tyger he is to be shunned by you. Make him 
feel that you are his superior in virtue, though his 
inferior in rank. If, on the other hand, you allow 
him to accomplish his purpose, and decoy you to 
perdition, he will in cold-blooded, remorseless cru- 
elty, abandon you and your child to a work-house, 
to a broken heart, and the bottomless pit. 

Act in the same determined manner towards eve- 
ry one else. Preserve not only your virtue itself, 
but your modesty, which is its outwork. Allow 
neither act, nor word, nor look in your presence, 
which is at variance with the most scrupulous pu- 
rity. Let no prospect nor promise of marriage, 
throw you oft' your guard. The man who acts 
thus, is to be regarded as a traitor deceiving you in- 
to iniquity. He that would destroy your reputa- 
tion, will not scruple to falsify his own word ; the 
vows of such a wretch are not to be trusted. Be 
careful to whom you give your company. Let not 
an anxiety to leave service, and be your own mis- 
tress, drive you to accept the offer of the first indi- 
vidual, suitable or unsuitable, who may present him- 
self to your notice. 

5. Frugality is an incumbent duty upon persons 
in your situation. 

You are in very dependant circumstances. Your 
support depends upon your own labor, and that up- 
on your health. You have no arm but your own 
to rely upon, and should therefore feel the obliga- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 219 



tion of laying up something in the day of prosperity, 
against the night of adversity. We are all enjoined 
to trust Providence, but not to tempt it. To spend 
all we get in vanity and useless trifles, under the 
idea that we shall be taken care of, in one way or 
other, is a presumption that generally brings its 
own punishment. There is in the present day, a 
most censurable propensity in female servants, and 
workwomen in general, to dress quite beyond their 
station. It is not easy, in some cases, to distinguish 
between the maid and her mistress. What abject 
folly is it, for a young woman to spend all her 
wages in gay apparel. When she is in ill health 
and out of place, will it be any consolation to look 
upon finery which she is obliged to pawn, one arti- 
cle after another for her support ? The love of dress 
has led in some instances to stealing ; in others, to 
prostitution ; in more, to poverty. Character is 
respectability, not dress. Harlots are generally 
fine and gaudy in their attire. Economize your lit- 
tle property, then ; lay up in store for the time to 
come. I know several servants who have, one for- 
ty, another fifty, another one hundred pounds in 
the bank. Besides, it is desirable to save from un- 
necessary expense in dress, that you may have a lit- 
tle to give to the cause of humanity and religion. 
The mite of the servant may mingle, in this a^e, 
with the pound of the master, to help in spreading 
the blessings of Christianity over the face of the 
earth. And it is to be poor indeed, to have noth- 
ing to give to the cause of humanity or religion. 
Secondly. I now lay before you, the duties ijou 

OWe tO YOUR EMPLOYERS. 

1 . Honor them : for they are your superiors in 
station. Pay them the respect which is due to them, 
and in order to this, cherish for them a proper re- 
verence in your heart. " Let as many servants as 
are under the yoke," said the apostle, " count their 



220 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



own masters worthy of all honor." Behave towards 
them with all proper humility and submission : not 
that you are to crouch and tremble before them like 
slaves at the foot of a tyrant. Your address to them 
must be reverential, not rude, boisterous, and im- 
pertinent. In talking of them to others, in their ab- 
sence, there should be no calling them names, no 
exposure of their faults, no ridiculing their infirmi- 
ties ; on the contrary, you should, to the utmost of 
your power, as far as truth will allow, defend them 
against the attacks of slander, and the arts of de- 
traction. If, at any time, they speak to you with 
tones of anger, and in the language of rebuke, you 
must remember the apostle's injunction, and u not 
answer again." You may mildly and meekly ex- 
plain, and sometimes expostulate, but you must not 
reply in an angry and impertinent manner. Should 
they so far forget their duty, as to let down their 
dignity, and be too familiar, do not forget your 
place, but respectfully keep your proper distance. 
Every thing rude in conduct, and obtrusive, inso- 
lent or familiar in language, must, therefore, be 
most sedulously avoided, as an essential part of ser- 
vants' conduct towards their employers. 

2. Obedience is founded upon reverence, and 
is a necessary part of it. Observe the directions of 
the apostle Paul. "Servants, obey in all things your 
masters according to the flesh." We are of course 
to except those things which are contrary to 
the word of God; for if they enjoin any thing that 
is manifestly sinful, you must mildly, but firmly re- 
fuse to comply, and be prepared to take all the 
consequences of your disobedience. In all other 
matters, however self-denying or difficult, however 
contrary to your own views and wishes, you must 
submit ; you are not to choose your commands, but 
in all things to obey. You are to obey " with fear 
and trembling," i. e. with reverential regard for their 
authority, a dread of their displeasure, and also, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



221 



which is probably the apostle's meaning, with 
dread of the anger of God, who, having enjoined 
obedience, will punish the disobedient. You are 
to obey " in singleness of heart," i. e. with a willing 
and cheerful mind ; and not with a mere compulso- 
ry outside shew of submission, and are to be free 
from all selfish personal ends, and obey from the sin- 
gle consideration, that it is right. You are to do 
this, " as unto Christ, as the servants of Christ, doing 
the will of God from the heart, with good will, doing 
service as to the Lord, and not to men." You must 
consider, that God commands it, and therefore you 
are to obey them, as obeying God ; they are in God's 
stead, in this particular to you ; and from a regard 
to conscience, and a respect to the divine authority, 
you are to do what they enjoin. " I do this," you 
are to say, in reference to obedience, "not merely 
to please my master and my mistress, but to please 
God." This is turning all you do into religion. It 
signifies nothing, what is the nature of the thing, 
whether it be an act of the most menial kind, in the 
kitchen, the parlor, or the garden, if it be done 
with a view to the divine command, that very aim 
elevates the humble service into an expression of 
piety towards God, and a service that will be re- 
membered in the day of judgment. You are not to 
obey, cc with eye service, as men pleasers." How ma- 
ny are there, who need a master's eye always upon 
them, to keep them industrious. No sooner is his 
back turned, than they are indolent and neglectful, 
This conduct is as mean as it is wicked : it is de- 
testable hypocrisy, flagrant injustice, and manifest 
wickedness : for is it nothing that the eye of God is 
upon you ? Is he not there ? Does he not disap- 
prove this conduct ? And is it a small matter to 
make light of his presence ? Such servants will 
shortly find to their fearful cost, that the eye of 
God is far more to be dreaded, than the eye of the 
severest master. 

19* 



222 



THl} FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Let it be your delight to do the will of your em- 
ployers. Strive to please them in all things, and 
feel anxious to draw from them this testimony, — 
" There is a servant, to whom no command, which 
it is in her power to obey, comes unwelcome ; who 
never need be told a second time to do a thing; who 
anticipates my orders ; and whose very pleasure 
seems to arise from pleasing me." 

3. Good temper is of great consequence. 
There are some servants who, let what work will 

come in unexpectedly, and even oppressively, re- 
ceive all with a cheerful acquiescence, and are never 
put out of their way. Their mistresses are never 
afraid of telling them of unlooked for company 
having arrived, and extra exertion being necessary. 
While there are others, who, with many valuable 
qualities, are withal, so peevish, so soon put out of 
temper, so cross at any little unexpected addition be- 
ing made to their work, that their mistresses are in 
constant bondage. I like not to hear it said, u She 
is a very good servant, and has many excellent pro- 
perties, but her temper is so bad, that I am quite 
afraid to point out to her, in ever so gentle a man- 
ner, the least imperfection, or to put her in the 
smallest degree out of her way." This is a serious 
blemish upon any excellence, and often proves a very 
great interruption to the comfort of the family, but 
a still greater interruption to the comfort of the 
poor waspish creature herself. Temper is not every 
thing, but it is very important. Study, therefore, 
to be obliging, and to avoid crossness, sullenness, 
and passion. 

4. Fidelity is a duty of the highest rank. 
What a delightful testimony is that which our 

Lord Jesus Christ is represented as bearing to his 
people at the last day, — " Well done, good and 
faithful servant." Such also is the testimony, 
which it should be in our power to bear to our ser- 
vants. Fidelity has reference — 
To the property of your masters. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



223 



Faithful servants will not actually steal the pro- 
perty of their masters. There are opportunities of 
this every where if you choose to avail yourselves 
of them. Consider the horrible disgrace of being 
called a thief ; and add to this, the danger in the 
present world, and the punishment of such a crime 
in the next. Write the eighth commandment upon 
your heart, and when tempted by a favorable op- 
portunity to embezzle the property of your employ- 
er, let a voice more awful than thunder, repeat in 
your ears the prohibition, " Thou shalt not steal." 
At that perilous moment in your history, let your 
imagination look up, and behold the flaming eye 
of God, intently gazing upon you. In whatever 
profusion, money, plate, jewelry, lace, may be 
spread out before you, touch not, covet not. De- 
termine, by God's grace, that though you be ever 
so poor, you will at least be honest. Honesty, is 
indeed the best policy, to go no higher for a motive 
of commendation. A single act of stealing may blast 
your reputation for ever ; even to be suspected, is 
dreadful : but what inestimable value is attached to 
a servant of tried honesty. Be honest even to scru- 
pulosity. Touch nothing in the house in the way of 
eatables or drinkables, which you do not consider as 
belonging to you. If you want to taste the luxuries 
of the larder, ask for them ; but do not appropriate 
to yourself what you think would be denied. I 
have read of a servant who went into the pantry, 
only to make free with sweetmeats, but seeing some 
articles of plate lying about, he took these, and 
went on from one degree of theft to another, till he 
died at the gallows. He was under the influence of 
a thievish disposition when he saw the plate, for 
he was going to take what he had no right to, and 
he was in a favorable state of mind to be tempted by 
satan to a greater crime. Servants should not al- 
low themselves to appropriate any refuse articles of 
dress, nor give away the broken victuals, or other 



224 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



articles of the kitchen, without permission. Habits 
begin in acts ; little sins lead on to greater ones. 
She that commences by taking a sweatmeat, know- 
ing that she is not allowed it, has violated so far, 
her integrity, has done something to benumb her 
conscience, and has taken the first step towards con- 
firmed dishonesty. Sin is deceitful ; and the way 
of a sinner is like the course of a ball down hill. 
Servants beware of the first act of sin. But fidelity, 
in reference to property, requires not only that you 
should not embezzle your master's property, but 
that you should not waste it. They that careless- 
ly waste, are almost as guilty as they that wilfully 
steal. You cannot be an honest servant, unless you 
are as careful of your employer's property, as if it 
were your own. Furniture, goods, provisions, 
must all be thus preserved. You are not to say, 
" My master is rich, he can spare it, and we need 
not be so niggardly." His wealth is nothing to you : 
if he chooses to waste it, he has a legal right to do 
so, but you have none. 

Nor is this all, for fidelity requires, that servants 
should do all they can to make their employers' 1 affairs 
prosper. They should grieve over their master's 
losses, rejoice in his success, and so identify their 
feelings with his interests, as to seem as if their for- 
tune were bound up with his. We have a fine in- 
stance of this, in the case of Joseph while he was 
in the house of Potiphar. 

Fidelity would also lead them to give their em- 
ployers information and warning when their affairs 
are going wrong, either through their own neglect 
or ignorance, or through the injurious conduct of 
others. They cannot be honest, if they witness in 
silence any fraud practised upon them, either by 
their fellow servants, or by friends or strangers. 
Such connivance is a participation of the crime, al- 
though it should not be rewarded by any participa- 
tion of the profits. A proper feeling of concern for 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 225 



your master's welfare, would certainly lead you, if 
he were flagrantly neglectful of his affairs, to sug- 
gest to him in a respectful manner, your apprehen- 
sion of the consequences. What man, except a fool 
or a madman, would be offended by such an appeal 
as the following, made to him by a servant : — 
" Pardon me, Sir, if I take the liberty of expressing 
my fears on the subject of your business, which I 
am induced to do, by a sense of my own duty, and 
a true regard to your welfare. Your business is 
certainly declining, and I fear, through your being 
so frequently absent from it. Customers are of- 
fended by not meeting with the principal in the 
shop, and by finding the stock so low and ill assort- 
ed. I am so concerned for your family, and so dis- 
tressed at the idea of your doing otherwise than well, 
that at the risk of incurring your displeasure, which 
I entreat you not to indulge against me, for this 
self-denying act of faithful service, I have determin- 
ed to lay the matter before you, and to beg of you 
to give up your company, to look into your ac- 
counts, and to attend more closely to your busi- 
ness." A servant that would do this, and in this 
manner, is fidelity embodied, and is a treasure be- 
yond all price. 

But faithfulness has a reference also to a master's 
time, for in many instances, time is property, and 
servants may as effectually rob their masters by 
idleness, as by stealing. This is always the case 
where they are hired by the day ; and indeed, where, 
as in many branches of manufacture, they are paid 
by the piece, if by their idleness, they prevent their 
employers from executing orders, and realising pro- 
fits, they can scarcely be called faithful. When you 
hire yourselves, there should be an explicit under- 
standing, as I have already said, how much time 
you are to render for the stipulated wages, and 
when this is known, all that by indolence you keep 



226 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



back, is just so much of your employer's property 
stolen from him. 

Faithfulness has regard to the reputation of your 
master or mistress. You have their character in 
your hands, and by calumny and falsehood, may, if 
such a malicious disposition were in your heart, do 
them considerable harm, either by stating what is 
absolutely false, misrepresenting what is true, mag- 
nifying w r hat is little, or exaggerating what is in- 
significant. Remember, it is the utmost excess of 
base conduct, and the wickedest kind of dishones- 
ty, to attempt to rob them of their good name. 

Then there are also secrets which it would be a very 
unfaithful act in you to disclose. Workmen, clerks, 
and apprentices, are guilty of great impropriety, if 
they communicate the private arts of their master's 
business, or lay open his connexions to any one. 
Such an act, is by common opinion, an instance of 
criminal treachery. Female servants ought not to 
tell to others, what they see and hear in the fami- 
lies where they are placed. It is to be apprehended, 
that much of the gossip, and many of the reports, 
which circulate so much slander and detraction 
through society, are to be traced up to this source. 
You are not forbidden to form friendships with 
your fellow servants in other families, but to meet 
merely for the purpose of exchanging intelligence 
from the respective households in which you live, 
is highly censurable. You should maintain the 
strictest silence on these affairs, and not allow the 
most busy and inquisitive curiosity of others, to 
draw any thing from you. Nor are you to tell 
these matters, as is often done, to one particular friend ; 
for she may tell them to one more, till at length 
the affairs of the family are matter of public notori- 
ety. Your admission into a family is attended with 
an implied condition, that you are to keep all itsse*- 
crets. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



227 



5. Diligence is another duty, but is so necessa- 
rily connected with honesty, and indeed, so essen- 
tially a part of it, that much need not be said, in 
addition, to illustrate and enforce it. The slothful 
servant is a wicked one, for in some instances, more 
mischief may be done by a day's idleness, than oth- 
ers may be able to undo by a year's exertion. The 
habits of a sluggard are very unfriendly to your 
own reputation, and to the comfort of the family 
by whom you are employed. Early rising is abso- 
lutely indispensable, if in addition to the duties of 
your station, you would attend to the salvation of 
your soul. And will you not sacrifice half an hour's 
sleep, for the purpose of seeking glory, honor, im- 
mortality, and eternal life ? Diligence is opposed to 
sauntering, inactive, and gossiping habits ; to a 
slow, reluctant, grudging way of doing your work. 
A disposition to stint your labor, to do as little as 
you possibly can, and to do that little, in a careless, 
unneat, half-finished manner, is a great blemish in 
your character, and will be sure to militate against 
your interest. 

6. Gratitude for kindnesses shown you, is very in- 
cumbent. 

You ought to be thankful for having your faults 
pointed out, and not resentful, as too many are, to- 
wards those who are kind enough to shew them 
what is wrong. If you have received kind atten- 
tions in sickness, and have discovered a constant 
solicitude on the part of your employers to soften 
as much as possible your labor, and to render you 
comfortable in your situation, you should convince 
them that their attentions are not thrown away up- 
on one, who is insensible to their kindness. Espe- 
cially if they have taken pains to promote your in- 
terests, by warning you against bad company, or by 
endeavoring to correct your bad practices, you 
should be grateful for their pains, and endeavor to 
comply with their advice. 



223 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



7. In all such cases as those mentioned, where 
your masters and mistresses are your friends, and 
confer obligations by their kindness, you should be 
truly and cordially attached to them. 

Where there is really nothing to produce attach- 
ment, you cannot be expected to feel any. You 
cannot be required to feel gratitude, where you have 
received no favors ; nor to cherish affection, where 
you have met with no indulgence. But all mas- 
ters and mistresses are not tyrants, as some of you 
know by experience ; for you have found in them, 
something, at least, of the kindness of a second fa- 
ther or mother. Here there are certainly strong 
claims upon your affection, as they have cared for 
you with the kindness of parents, you should serve 
them with the deep interest and devoted attachment 
of children. We have a right to expect, in such 
instances, that as we have studied your comfort, 
you would study ours ; that when sickness invades 
our frame or our family, you will minister at the 
sick bed by night or by day, not grudging your 
ease or your sleep, so that you might do us good ; 
that when losses diminish our property and our 
_ comforts, you will most tenderly sympathise with 
us, mingling your tears with ours, and be willing to 
share with us the reduction of our usual plenty and 
gratification ; that, in short, in all our afflictions, 
you will be afflicted with us, and be the sharers of 
all our joys. We did not, and we could not bar- 
gain with you for such a duty as this ; affection can- 
not be made an article of a money contract ; it must 
be given, or it is worth nothing, and indeed, bought 
and sold it cannot be. Instances of a generous af- 
fection of this kind, we have perhaps all known ; 
instances of servants so attached to their masters, 
and mistresses, as to follow them, and remain in 
their service through all the vicissitudes of fortune; 
as to descend with them from the lofty eminence, 
and luxurious gratifications of prosperity, down into 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 229 

the lowly, and desolate, and barren vale of pover- 
ty, there to suffer want with them ; as to leave their 
native land, and cross the seas, and dwell in a for- 
eign country with them ; as even to find in their 
love to their master and mistress, a principle and a 
feeling, that reconciled them to all the sufferings 
they endured on their account. I know a servant, 
who, when her master failed in business, brought 
down her little hoard of savins, amounting to 
nearly thirty pounds, and entreated him, with 
tears, to accept and apply it for the comfort and re- 
lief of his family. u Sir," said a lady to a minister 
who called upon her in sickness, "that girl," al- 
luding to her servant, " who has just left the room, 
is a greater comfort to me, than I can express. She 
watches me with the affection of a daughter, and 
the care of a nurse. When my complaints make 
me peevish, she contrives something to soothe me. 
I often observe her taking pains to discover what 
would add to my comfort, and often am presented 
with the thing I wish for, before I express it in 
words. I live without suspicion, for 1 perceive 
her to be conscientious, even to scrupulosity ; my 
chief complaint is, that she takes too much care of 
me, that I cannot make her take sufficient care of 
herself." 

Servants, look at this character, admire it, imi- 
tate it. 

Thirdly. There are duties ivfiich servants in the 
same family owe to each other. 

There ought to be no tyranny nor oppression exer- 
cised by one over the other. This is often the case in 
those families which employ a numerous retinue of 
domestics, and which admit the distinction of supe- 
rior and inferior servants. There is sometimes in 
such households, a system of great cruelty carried 
on, altogether unknown to the master. Some poor 
creatures are degraded into the condition of a slave 
to the other servants, and drag on a miserable ex- 
20 



230 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



istence, under the heavy yoke which has been im- 
posed upon them, by an unfeeling minion, who 
stands before the master's eye, and has always his 
ear at command. 

Strive to agree with each other, for families are 
often disturbed by the quarrels of the servants; and 
the uproar in the kitchen, is distinctly heard by the 
guests in the parlor. You should bear with one 
another's infirmities, and never take delight in 
thwarting each other. Instead of finding pleasure 
in converting the infirmities of any one into a means 
of annoying, and a source of vexation to her, care- 
fully avoid whatever, by appealing to these imper- 
fections, or bringing them into notice, would ren- 
der the subject of them, irritable or sullen. Never 
tease one another, which is too often done, especial- 
ly where an individual is known to be petulant. 
The worst consequences have sometimes arisen from 
this practice. A few days ago, I saw an individual 
put to the bar of his country, upon an indictment 
for manslaughter, under the following circum- 
stances. — -His fellow servants, aware of his petulant 
disposition, provoked him by some petty vexations, 
till, in his rage, he hurled a hammer at them, which 
struck one of them in the head, and inflicted a 
wound of which he died. 

Never bear tales to your employers, for the purpose 
of exciting a prejudice against each other, and in- 
gratiating yourselves into their favor. A supplant- 
er is a most hateful character, at once despicable and 
despised. 

At the same time, you are not to connive at sin ; if 
your fellow servants do any thing wrong, either in 
the way of drunkenness, lewdness, or dishonesty, 
you owe it to your master to make him acquainted 
with the fact. You are dishonest if you conceal the 
dishonesty of others, and you are a partaker of 
those vices, which you allow to be perpetrated un- 
der your notice^ without making it known. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. ] 



231 



Servants that make a profession of religion, have 
great need to conduct themselves with singular pro- 
priety. Towards their masters and mistresses there 
should be the deepest humility, and the very re- 
verse of every thing that bears even a distant re- 
semblance of spiritual pride. There must be no 
consciousness of superiority, no air of importance, 
no affected sanctity : but a rneek, modest, unobtru- 
sive exhibition of the influence of religion, in ma- 
king them strictly conscientious and exemplary in 
the discharge of all the duties of their station. Their 
piety should be seen, not only in a constant anxiety 
to attend to the public means of grace, and in a 
regular performance of the private duties of reli- 
gion, but also in making them more respectful and 
obedient ; more meek and submissive ; more hon- 
est and diligent, than all the rest. That servant 
does not adorn the doctrine of God her Saviour in 
all things, who does not shine in her sphere as a 
servant. There are occasions when you may seek 
to do good to those who employ you, if they are 
yet living without the possession of piety. Instan- 
ces have occurred, in which such as you, have been 
the instruments of converting their employers : and 
a visible, but unostentatious exhibition of eminent 
and consistent piety, supported by as eminent a dis- 
charge of the duties of your station, followed by a 
modest and judicious introduction of the subject 
when a suitable occasion presents itself, may, by 
the grace of God, be blessed for the salvation of 
your master and mistress. 

If, on the other hand, your profession of religion 
be not supported by consistency ; if it render you 
proud, conceited, and consequential ; if it be ac- 
companied by an unsubdued temper, or by habits 
of inattention to the duties of your place ; if it 
makes you troublesome about your religious privi- 
leges, so that in a time of emergency or sickness, 
you will not give up a single sermon without mur- 



232 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



muring and sullenness, you do not glorify God, but 
dishonor him ; you excite a prejudice against reli- 
gion, rather than produce a prepossession in its fa- 
vor. 

Towards your fellow servants you should be 
meek, obliging, and generous ; assuming nothing 
on the grqund of your piety, never disgusting them 
by any apparent consciousness of superior sanctity, 
but at the same time, never scrupling to let them 
know and see that you fear God. Timidly to con- 
ceal your regards to the claims of religion, or 
vauntingly to acknowledge them, would equally 
excite a prejudice ; but to yield to them with a 
firmness, that ridicule and opposition cannot bend, 
a consistency that scrutiny cannot impeach, and a 
humility that the reproached conscience of those 
who are offended, cannot misrepresent, will be sure 
to raise admiration, and, by the blessing of God, 
may produce imitation. 

Are any of your fellow servants living in the 
neglect of religion, it is your duty, in a solemn and 
affectionate manner, to warn them. " I knew a re- 
ligious servant," says Mr. Jane way, " that after oth- 
er endeavors for the conversion of one of his fel- 
lows had proved ineffectual, spent some time at mid- 
night to pray for him, and being very importunate, 
his voice was heard in the next chamber, where the 
object of his pious solicitude lay, who, on hearing 
the voice of entreaty, rose from bed to listen, and 
was so struck with the affectionate concern that was 
breathed out for him, that he was converted by the 
prayer." 

Let me now, in conclusion, exhort you to attend 
to the duties which have been set before you. It 
mav be felt as a motive to this, to consider that 
though you are servants, you are not slaves, as was 
the case with those who are addressed by the apos- 
tles, in their inspired writings. Yes, they were 
slaves, and yet are they admonished to give honor 
and service to those, who held them by a tie which 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 233 

they could not break. You are/ree, and your la- 
bor is voluntary ; you sell it for a stipulated price, 
and are not degraded by your situation : nothing 
can degrade you, but bad conduct. Your interest 
lies in the faithful discharge of your duties. This 
will secure to you peace and serenity of mind, the 
respect and attachment of your employers, the es- 
teem of the public, the testimony of conscience, 
and the approbation of God. You will thus help 
to diffuse happiness through the families in which 
you reside ; for a good servant is one of those 
springs of domestic comfort, and daily refreshes, by 
its pure and pleasant stream, the members of the 
little community in the house, who, in return, will 
do what they can to promote your present comfort, 
and provide for your future support, when the days 
of sickness, and the years of old age shall come upon 
you. And remember that God is every where, and 
his eye is always upon you. " He compasseth your 
path, andknoweth your down sitting and up rising, 
and there is not a word upon your tongue, but he 
knoweth it altogether." You may have an absent 
master, but you cannot have an absent God. And he 
cites your conscience to his side, to take a correct 
copy, and lodge it in your bosom, of the record of 
your actions, words and feelings, which he writes 
down in the book of his remembrance. Time is 
short, life is uncertain, death is at hand, and the 
judgment approaching, when it will be of no conse- 
quence who was master, and who was servant, but 
only who was holy and faithful. God is now your 
witness, and will be hereafter your judge. Have 
the promises and the threatenings of the grea't mas- 
ter, little efficacy ? Are heaven, glory, and eternal 
happiness worth nothing ? If so, what think you of 
condemnation, wrath, and everlasting misery ? If 
the former signify little, do the latter signify no 
more ? Then I must confess, I know not what fur- 
ther to say, for I have exhausted the differences of 
%\ 



231 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. 



time, and the varieties of eternity ; I have spread 
out the miseries which sin brings, and the pleasure 
which holiness produces upon earth ; and have ad- 
ded to this the consideration of the eternal torment 
which iniquity draws upon itself in hell, and the 
everlasting felicity which religion conducts the soul 
to enjoy in heaven : — what more can I add — but 
simply to say, choose ye, whether to you it shall be 
said in the last day by the Lord Jesus Christ, 
" Thou wicked and slothful servant, depart 
accursed from me into everlasting fire, pre- 
pared for the devil and his angels ;" or 
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant, 
enter thou into the joy of thy lord." 



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